Friday, September 30, 2011

be careful what you wish for

remember the other day when i said, "i wish that i could cry?"  well, i've been crying all afternoon and i don't feel one iota better so cancel that!

i just have a raw face, a snotty nose, a dry mouth, a headache and a sore throat.  not to mention i'm now down a whole box of kleenex.  as you know by now it's stressful to run out of things around here because i am never sure when i will be able to make it out to replace such things (or where the money will come from for that matter.)

i'm going to turn the lights out and make myself watch a movie. 

grace and peace (yeah, right!)

Thursday, September 29, 2011

"should" be damned!

"a "should" is a "have to" with no teeth; it is dead energy." -ruth ross


my therapist says that i need to stop "shoulding" myself.  i am overwhelmed with that thought tonight.  i feel that there are a hundred "shoulds" and shouldn'ts" rolling around in my brain and i'm unable to decipher them. 

should:  buy cards for my little sister and her daughter who share a birthday next week, wash a load of clothes, make plans for tomorrow night to prove to myself and others that i can, write, get more exercise (starting tomorrow), walk winston one more time tonight, pay some bills, answer the phone when it rings, make a grocery list and stick to it, unload my car of all the booty from my mother's house, write, come to terms with the fact that i may have a job soon, call my little brother, read my lesson for church, drink less wine, lose weight (directly related to aforementioned wine consumption and minimal exercise), write and dare i say it, etc., etc....

shouldn't:  drink so much coffee, spend so much time alone, buy any more books,  be so self-involved, define myself as "crazy" because i have PTSD, avoid the remaining work to be done on the house, continue to rely on "i can't face it" as an excuse, drink wine at 11:00 pm while listening to willie nelson, etc., etc....

the truth of the matter is, though i feel all these things non-stop, i am doing all i can to merely survive.  some of the above-mentioned things won't get done because i don't feel safe going to most places alone so i avoid stores, exercise and even leaving the house most days.  some won't get done because i am tired of asking people to accompany me.  that's on me and not them, i have plenty of willing people around but i'm too tired to coordinate it;  it's easier to do without.  i may have solved my wine conundrum because i opened my last bottle a couple of days ago and i'm not going out to buy any when it's gone...

though i've been smack-dab in the middle of this PTSD for almost a year it all feels fresh and new.  the edges have yet to be dulled by time; they are as sharp as freshly broken glass.  the pieces cut me even as i try to dispose of them shard by tiny shard. 

the job interview went well today.  i feel physically sick at the thought of having to hold down a job.  my panic attacks are so debilitating that i'm afraid i won't be able to function.  i'm nearly paralyzed with the fear that i will lose another job.  as i believe i've mentioned, i live in fear of the one remaining thing that will break me...though i guess you wouldn't really call that "living" would you?

grace and peace




Wednesday, September 28, 2011

enter (lowe's) at your own risk

i think i just swallowed a fucking bug.  pardon my language but i'm sure that i just swallowed a fucking bug!!!  after a miserable trip to lowe's where i suffered a debilitating panic attack in the parking lot (crying, hyperventilating, etc.) i poured myself a glass of wine to drink with my leftover pasta.  there are these annoying little gnats or the like that swarm this house because when i'm here i leave the french doors open all day long for the animals to come and go as they please.  these little bastards are attracted to something in wine and i am constantly battling them for sole possession of my wine goblet.  tonight i picked up the glass and took a swallow without inspecting its contents and i'm sure that i got a bug for my trouble.  that was just the last thing that i needed.  i've been in a panic all day about the lowe's trip (which was planned in advance, and with reinforcements.)  i did not need this added stress.

i made it through the second interview yesterday.  i just remember that i sped to the house afterward and spent the rest of the day lying prone on the couch or sitting in the sun on the patio trying unsucessfully to remember anything that happened or what i may have said.  i have another interview tomorrow with an friend of a friend who just started his own law firm.  i washed a load of clothes today in preparation and that's all that i can manage.  i will go and do my best but i can't promise to remember enough of it to fill you in.

i bought the last of the major purchases for the house today at lowe's:  the closet doors.  last fall i ran out of money, volunteers and energy at the same time, and other that just a few small cosmetic things, the closet doors (both bedrooms, linen closet and pantry) have remained the elusive last purchase.  as of this afternoon they are bought and paid far, now i just have to find someone to go pick them up and bring them here.  they would be more than welcome to hang them, too, if they would like.  

now i have to find the energy and strength to take the remaining receipts to my local government in hopes of receiving reimbursements for some of these final things.  it's amazing the way they split hairs; they will cover building materials inside the house but not outside, they will cover appliances but not furniture.  as if a house can ever be a home with a stove but not a bed!!!  as if it doesn't kill me every day to see my fence that is about to fall but know that since it is "not technically a part of the house" it's not "essential."  that means that i am faced with the still visible water line across my back fence every time i step foot outside; reminding me how high the water was in my yard, my house, my life.

the lady who helped me at lowe's today (the store is 2-3 miles from my house-on the other side of the DAMN RIVER) said she still has customers in every day who are rebuilding from the flood.  16 months later and so many people act as if it's a part of the town's "history" but for those of us who are recovering, we live with it as our "present" day after day. 

i wish i could think of one thing that would calm me down but i have yet to do so.  i've paced a good deal and walked winston until he vehemently protested.  i had to carry him the last block - all 26 pounds of him!  poor, fat pug!  maeve sensed my unease (worst than the unease of a "normal" day) today and has stayed close by.  maybe i can persuade her up on the couch with the rest of the family this evening.

grace and peace          

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

scared to death

"FEAR:  False Evidence Appearing Real"  unknown

i have a second interview at the animal hospital this morning and feel physically incapable of going.  i will go, of course, but i am 100% sure that this is the final straw and that i will not live to see noon.

before the PTSD and constant anxiety i was never overly nervous about these kinds of things.  i'm college-educated, smart, witty and articulate but post-flood i'm none of these things (save college-educated which even the flood can't take from me.)

i will get up off this couch, i will find something to wear, i will walk winston, i will treat myself to the starbucks drive-thru on the way there (there's NO coffee in this house!!) i will chew gum like a fiend to get a handle on my coffee breath and i will make myself do this.  if it kills me...it kills me.  if not, i'll update you when i'm out of the mental hospital...    

Monday, September 26, 2011

looking back

"God gave us memories that we might have roses in december."  sir james barrie

saturday i drove the 50 miles to my mother's to pick up the remaining clothes stashed in one of her closets since the days following the flood.  since i have done so little to take care of myself this last year i have gained weight and none of these clothes fit.  i will carry them around in my car until i somehow find the motivation to go through them and finally deliver them to the goodwill.  my mother is moving and unbeknownst to be i had some things stored in her barn.  3 trunks full of old report cards, badly written poetry and some precious letters and pictures of old friends and boyfriends.  mostly as i went through it all i marvelled at the tenuous grasp i have on myself these days.  i felt so totally removed from most of the mementos that make up the person i once was. 

i looked at pictures of a friend who died a decade ago and her face was unrecognizable - only her red hair looked familiar.  i read a note, written totally in french, and while i recognized the name of the boy who had written it i stared at it for minutes before i recognized my own handwriting in reply to his queries about upcoming tests and a date that friday night.  it's so very surreal to feel this disconnect.  because of a traumatic childhood i do have my share of "lost time" or "blank periods" but i never thought that i could forget the face of a dear friend or the fact that i dated this sweet boy in high school.  and who knew i could still read french?!

i reduced the contents of the 3 trunks to one large box full of concert programs, yearbooks, pictures, letters and some old journals.  these things too will remain in my car until i can manage to lug them upstairs to the loft full of more memorabilia of vague and distant memories.

a wonderful friend's generous husband and teenage son came to load my mother's den furniture (couch and 2 matching chairs) in his truck and drive the 50 miles back to my house where they disposed of my old couch, one they had actually donated and delivered in october when i moved back in post-flood, and unloaded the new stuff into its rightful place.  it's very nice furniture but is, again, one more thing that is new and therefore hard for me to adjust to.  i have been begging for this furniture for years and i love it but it's a constant reminder that i have a house full of donated goods that don't seem to feel like "mine" no matter how hard i try.

i've fought hard to sleep but have failed miserably these last few nights.  the sleep finally comes around dawn and lasts no more than a couple of hours.  i have been here since 6:00 saturday night and have slept maybe 5 hours - yesterday morning while i was supposed to be getting ready for church (which i just had to watch on-line) and a "nap" today that lasted less than 2 hours.

i wish that i could cry.  i don't know if i would feel better but it seems like i would.  i don't know if my inability is related to my medication, the PTSD or what but, while i don't feel "sad" really, i feel like crying would be soothing if not healing.

grace and peace

    

Sunday, September 25, 2011

"theeey're heeeeeere!"

panic attacks are overwhelming me.  they started getting really bad on thursday morning.  one woke me before dawn and one finally knocked me out around 2 a.m. on friday.  after a fitful night i started friday in much the same way, in deep dread of therapy and my dinner plans that night.  for some reason i e-mailed my therapist to verify my appointment time (which i had never done before) only to find that she was in training.  one event down, one to go.  and i'm ashamed to say that i may have the power to make my friends sick with just my negative thoughts because my friend texted midday to let me know she wasn't feeling well and was going to reschedule.  i didn't tell her that i had been hoping dinner would be canceled.  i felt responsible for her illness yet relieved beyond measure.

in the meantime i got an invitation to dinner with my dad's side of the family and went only because i was afraid that if i said "no" someone would show up to make sure i was okay and, again, remember that i live in mortal fear of a knock on my door, so i couldn't chance that.  i got no more than 1/2 a mile from the house when a panic attack hit me in the form of a squirrel running in front of the car.  i don't think i was ever really in danger of hitting it; i didn't even have to downshift from 4th gear when i braked, but my heart flipped in my chest and i immediately went numb.  i had to pull over.  it dawned on me some minutes later that i was in the exact place i had been on the night of the flood when i felt the tires lift off the road and knew for the first time that i was in real danger of drowning along with the dogs and my cat.  that night i floated behind the larger SUV in front of me and, in spite of the current, i managed to avoid leaving the road.  experiencing the minimal fear of hitting that squirrel and feeling my heart pound brought it all back.  i know that it's what i'm reading about in all my PTSD books--that i'm not "remembering" the event i'm "reliving" it.  over and over.  i finally made it to my dad's but was in a bad way.      

i watched as my nephew played dominoes with my grandmother and as my niece drew maze after maze that daddy had to work his way through--all i felt was PANIC!  i couldn't interact but i was afraid to drive home.  i was in the only house i've ever felt safe in, in my life, and i felt...unsafe.  finally i pulled out a map (one of the hundreds in the bradford collection) and knew that i would at least be able to hide my shaky hands and shakier disposition by studying a map like "normal."

i started to relax a little as my aunt, brother and i began the count of states (24) and countries (7) we've been to.  we discussed where we'd go first if given an all-expenses paid trip both inside (maine) and outside (ireland) the united states.  basically the same conversation we always have when we are together.  we love maps like nothing else!  (figures and places are mine.when i felt up to it i reluctantly left the map and gratefully took my vegetarian leftovers and hit the road.   

an update on the rest of the weekend will have to wait.  there are things to tell...

grace and peace
    

Thursday, September 22, 2011

letter to the tooth fairy

okay, i am 99.99% sure that my teeth will fall out soon.  i have avoided brushing them all day, which i think may have made my fear worse!, but i'm afraid to brush for fear they will come out.  no matter how many times i tell myself that this fear is irrational it holds on.  i will be headed to bed before too long and i will have to brush them.  i'm actually terrified!  i cannot get it out of my mind.  

today has been awful.  teeth aside, i have suffered numerous panic attacks and must have paced upwards of ten miles in this tiny house alone.  it was warm today so i didn't spend an awful lot of time outside.  i felt trapped in here but was unable to go anywhere.  i can't read and though i've watched a couple of hours of TV i couldn't tell you what i saw.  the whole day has been a blur.  i feel like a shell.  i'm just an empty receptacle with nothing to fill me up.  oh, how i wish i could write.  there is just nothing to inspire me.  morning to night is a blank page with no ability to fill it.

i made dinner plans for tomorrow night and am actively trying to find a reason to cancel though i know i have to make myself go.  i will be out of the house for therapy tomorrow anyway.  i wish that i could enjoy things.  i wish i had any idea how to be "normal."  i have to continuously tell myself that my friends are doing their best to understand and be supportive and that i can be "abnormal" around them without fear or explanation and that they will continue to love me in spite of it. 

i wonder what they'll think when i show up for mexican food with no teeth?!

grace and peace 

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

do we still need the postal service?

today my copy of "PTSD for dummies" arrived.  luckily for me it fit into my still mud-encrusted mailbox so i was able to avoid the dreaded knock at the door by my mail woman.  i've been looking for the book in actual bookstores for months to no avail.  i've been afraid to order it on-line for fear it would have to be delivered to my door and i live in near-constant agony that a knock on the door will stop my heart cold.  i finally spent the whopping $7.98 to order it from amazon and began the mailbox watch in earnest.  now that it's here, and i've dodged the door-knocking bullet, i'm consumed with a real fear of reading the damn thing.  could it possibly make me worse?  will i develop a new symptom (one that has nothing to do with the now almost comfortable toenail and/or rubberband debacles?)  could additional information get me one step closer to a new understanding or cause me to revert two steps and draw a line in the sand?  if only i could be sure of anything!

i had a job interview today with a local animal hospital.  it was last minute--which was good as i didn't have time to obsess over it--but it was a nightmare for me.  i was a wreck.  i have no idea if i spoke even one intelligible sentence.  the place is under construction and my anxiety soared when i saw all the building materials and tools laying around.  i couldn't get out of there fast enough.  6 hours and a midday xanax later and it's all a big blur.

i managed to cook supper and eat a bite but otherwise the night has been spent in a long mental wrestling match with myself over this PTSD book.  i think i'm going to have to be content that i ordered it, paid for it and got it inside.  the reading of it will have to wait until i'm stronger. 

the only pleasant part of my day was that i made myself go in and allowed myself to buy a bottle of my favorite wine from one of my favorite shops.  i couldn't afford it and i didn't need it but i wanted it and bought it.  i opened it and had a glass with dinner.  it was very nice.  www.broadsidewines.com

grace and peace      

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

consequences

got some disturbing news this weekend that i can't stop mulling over:  my neighbor directly across the street sold his house (if indeed it closes this week) for, wait for it..., $25,000 LESS than it appraised for.  this isn't surprising but somehow just hearing that number really got to me.  i've guessed that these houses won't sell for their pre-flood worth for five or more years but what if it's longer?  when i think of all the of improvements i made and all the money i shelled out to make it livable/sellable i feel like perhaps it wasn't worth it.  i can't get out and yet i don't know how to make peace with being here.  i hate this house and i hate that damn river!

if i haven't mentioned it before i think it's worth mentioning now:  someone is sneaking in here and leaving rubberbands of various sizes laying around.  it's about to send me over the edge!  i finally had to break down and ask my dad and brother since they have keys-they both deny doing it.  i want to believe them and of course i know they aren't doing it but i cannot explain how these rubberbands are multiplying.  i've talked to both maeve and winston about it and while i wouldn't put it past the cat to try and drive me crazy i know the fat, lazy pug isn't wasting his precious reserve of energy on the likes of a trick like that.  i've turned the house upside down looking for a stash of rubberbands that the cat may have gotten into but the likes of which doesn't exist.  i now look for rubberbands when i enter a room like i usually look for spiders upon flipping a light switch.  

anxiety is for the birds, i'm safe nowhere and from nothing.  rubberbands for cryin' out loud! 

  

Friday, September 16, 2011

rules of color coordination

i remain obsessed with my toenails (or at least with toenail related issues.)  i have been sure for several days now that i have mistaken my nail polish remover with my mouthwash.  there is no reason to believe this save that both items are blue and both reside under my bathroom sink.  until i removed the mysterious purple polish the two bottles did not sit side by side.  that night when i put away the mouthwash i did a doubletake.  there they were, 2 blue bottles, seemingly harmless but signalling my premature demise.  "did i just use the mouthwash or the polish remover?!?!" i knew very well i had used the mouthwash--i don't know much these days but i do know the difference in crest mouthwash and nourishing polish remover!--but i continued to hear this refrain over and over:  "mouthwash or polish remover?, mouthwash/remover, MOUTHWASH/REMOVER?!"  i was inconsolable.  what finally made me laugh was the realization that even if i HAD used the polish remover it wouldn't have mattered because i SPIT IT OUT!  that said, i continue to think about it.  and think about it.  and...

i went to my brother's yesterday for a visit and stayed longer than i had planned.  it's hard to tear myself away from his darling kids!  i looked at the clock at 7:30 and fought against the anxiety i felt at driving the 35 miles in the dark.  i have never been a nervous driver, and i'm not one now, but with the anxiety, the sleep deprivation and this medicine cocktail i get distracted and sometimes disoriented.  until the last 6 months i would have bragged about never having gotten lost in my life, now i get lost to and from this house on a weekly basis.  the driving itself doesn't scare me but i worry about my safety and that of the other drivers.  i mentioned this to my brother and he said, "you, who used to drive back and forth to dallas (where i used to live) in the middle of the night with only two stops?"  yes, i don't feel like that person anymore.  i'm not that person now.  maybe one day it (i) will come back, but that fearless self is not there now.  i made it home fine, of course, which was a big improvement since i had gotten lost on the way there.  

i had a nice dinner out with a friend tonight, though i felt anxious at the restaurant when i noticed that the menus were new, not the food offerings, just the menus themselves.  it was disorienting and made me feel uneasy.  other than the drive there when i was filled with anger (rage?) at all the single-passenger cars in the HOV lane, it was a pleasant night.  i am a rule-breaker by nature but not a law-breaker and it amazes me that there are so many people who choose to ignore this very well-meaning and progressive law.  it bothered me more than normal today.  even my color coordinated converse tennis shoes and vera bradley purse couldn't keep the anxiety at bay. 

and, yes, i have moved the offending blue bottle of nail polish remover back to its previous spot (as far from the mouthwash as my post-flood vanity allows.)

grace and peace  


Tuesday, September 13, 2011

can i borrow a stamp?

i have spent a lot of today bemoaning the fact that i can no longer buy stamps at my bank's ATM.  okay, it's been 15 years since that was a reality but every time i buy stamps i remember how easy and convenient is was to get a book of stamps without having to brave a post office or a kroger (the only 2 places i know to buy stamps.)  today it has dominated my thoughts as i awoke this morning in the midst of a terrible realization that i don't have stamps, that i need stamps and that i can go to neither of the above-mentioned places.  a panic attack of epic proportion set in.  this was at 5:00 a.m., exactly 4 hours and 25 minutes after i went to sleep. 

by 8:30 i was pacing the floors with a 3-hour thomas jefferson documentary already watched, breakfast already consumed and winston already walked.  this day has been a struggle.  it's possible that i've showered twice, both before and after a 30-minute nap around noon (i have no clear recollection but the tub was suspiciously wet and my towel equally damp.) 

i finally removed the mysterious purple toenail polish but immediately worried that i had made a mistake.  my reasoning being that if i chose that particular color and indeed painted them while sleepwalking then could it be smart to remove it while awake?  then i rebuked myself for being "unreasonable." :)  i've made it 2 weeks into the college football season without orange toenails and am now concerned that painting them mid-week before saturdays' UT/florida game is playing fast and loose with our 2-0 record. (this insanity has nothing to do with my anxiety - it's just a sports fan's superstition. go vols!)

other than my momentary fear that i had contracted both a blood clot and lyme disease on sunday while watching the ladies U.S. Open final when i learned that these are the afflictions that most recently side-lined finalists serena williams and sam stosur respectively, i was at my "normal" anxiety level for most of sunday and monday after a horrible saturday (and yes, i watched part 4 of "lonesome dove.")  sunday brought with it a lot of emotion which i addressed in that days' post.  i attended church in the morning but did not make it back to sunday nights special 9/11 service.  i wanted badly to go but i felt too tired to drive and be safe (these meds really take it out of me!) 

grace and peace


Sunday, September 11, 2011

in remembrance

to the nearly 3,000 who died:  children, businessmen and women, custodians, those at the pentagon, and the brave souls of flight 93 i say simply that we miss you.

to their families i say that i pray for your comfort and your peace.

to the first responders:  the firefighters, the police officers, the military, the volunteers i say THANK YOU!  many of them gave their lives to save complete strangers and they do it everyday and they do it still...

no other words are necessary.


grace and peace and remembrance and hope

Saturday, September 10, 2011

sign o' the times

today, 16+ months since the flood, is community clean-up day.  the youth group from a generous local church, about a mile from my subdivision, is volunteering their time today to help clear, load and haul away any debris still left laying around.  since i was blessed with prior help from family and friends (not to mention all the wonderful volunteers) my back yard had been clear for some time now of my ruined belongings and various random things that washed over my 6-foot privacy fence.  things like a lone tennis shoe, a soccer ball, a lawn chair and numerous tennis ball (we do not have tennis courts but we have lots of dogs!)


when i got the notice earlier this week i had simultaneous conflicting thoughts:  "thank God for this church, they've already done SO much!" and "dammit, will this NEVER end!?"  i vowed to stay in and avoid the whole melee.  the thing is, i have this demanding, spoiled pug who has to go for walks (and for whom i had to face a store today because somehow he ran out of food without my noticing.) we got 1/2 a block from the house and turned the first corner; i saw trucks, trailers, trash, high school and college kids breaking for lunch, eating hot dogs and drinking gatorade.  i felt panic rise immediately.  it all came back.  the weeks that all my stuff sat in a pile in my front yard:  wet, moldy, smelly.  day after day that i pulled in to my driveway and noticed one more pair of shoes, one more book, one more piece of furniture that had been ruined in the course of minutes. 


winston and i turned around so fast that i got dizzy.  i hightailed it home so fast anyone watching would think i was running from the devil himself.  it's the same reaction i have at the mere mention of the word "flood" or any news footage.  i'm grateful that i don't have a TV right now with the state of new england and new york.  don't look too hard in the above picture for my TVs they were in another pile on the other side of the driveway (anything with a cord had to be taken to a different place than regular trash, and large home appliances to yet another place.)  most of this was picked up by the city but the small appliances: TVs, computers, blenders, etc. had to be taken to the city recycling drop-off.  those things sat in the yard for more than a month.  i say all this to give you some idea of the upheaval and the surrealism of seeing all this strewn across yards of the hundreds of homes in my neighborhood for months on end.  16 months and counting...

like i said, i had to go out today for dog food.  i went well out of my way to a small organic food store where i picked up the dog food, bananas and tomatoes that i needed so i could avoid a larger-and therefore scarier-place.  i spoke two words:  "paper" and "debit" and did not make eye contact with the checker.  it was awful.  just awful.

i think the animals and i are in until dark when i can be sure that all the workers will be gone.  what a chore it is to do anything.  

grace and peace 


Wednesday, September 7, 2011

R.I.P lokomotiv yaroslavl

i feel that i have made some poor choices today which have increased my anxiety to a near-unbearable level.  i'm struggling now with what to do to calm myself down; writing seems the best, in fact, it seems the only option. 

my anxiety is usually worse in the morning hours and decreases toward nightfall, however, tonight i have spent the better part of the evening in 2 pursuits which have kept that from happening.  firstly, i've read nearly everything i can find on-line about the tragic plane crash in russia today killing a KHL russian hockey team.  i am a huge hockey fan and this hit me and the hockey world hard.  43 lives lost and 43+ families devastated, not to mention players, fans, and hockey organizations around the globe.  some of the players were well-known NHL stars and some were players that i've never heard of, but i mourn them all.  they were on their way to the first game of the season.  how. very. sad.  i pray that their families and friends find comfort.

my next mistake was certainly less devastating in that it does not involve real-life, but it was anxiety-inducing to me nonetheless.  i watched part 3 (of 4) of the "lonesome dove" mini-series.  i've seen it before (years ago) and read the book (not too long ago-please read this book, it is phenomenal!) but was unprepared for this leg of the drive and now live in mortal fear of watching part 4 before saturday night when it expires on netflix instant play.  i HAVE to watch it yet i know that for my mental stability i shouldn't.  why do i do these things to myself when i know i'm not in shape to handle them?  human nature? stupidity? masochism?  WHAT?!

i continue to be surprised at my reaction to certain things and my out and out indifference to others.  intellectually i know a lot of things, emotionally i am a blank slate. 

grace and peace and love

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

rain, rain, go away!

even before the flood 3 straight days of rain (and markedly lower temperatures) sent me into a tailspin.  unfortunately, this rain, and a high today only in the 60s, has sent me into, what can only be described as, a "major funk!"  

i've been getting up at 5:00 a.m.(!) since friday for the morning shift with my grandmother at the rehab facility.  i try to read, watch tennis and be decent company for her and yet all i seem to do is check the progress of the puddles in the courtyard below her 2nd story window.  

"they" say that the flood here was a 100 year and/or a 500 year flood (i'm not sure if they ever decided for sure) and i am not really fearful that i (or nashville) will face another flood like it in my lifetime (i pray!) but that does not at all change the aggravating fact that i am now afraid of water (moving water at least, not swimming pools.)  it's yet another fear that i have developed that, while logical under the circumstances, continues to baffle and upset me.  i am uncomfortable being afraid of things that i never used to consider at all.  i suppose i'm too hard on myself. 

after all, we can't all be like maeve the cat, who at this moment is rolling around in a puddle on my patio.  one of the few cats immune to a disdain for water.

i feel for those around the country who have been affected by irene, lee, all the other storms i've not heard of yet, wildfires, and other various and sundry "acts of God."  i hope that their recovery is swift and that they are aided by people as generous as those who aided (and still aid) me.

i pray for...
grace and peace and clear skies 

Sunday, September 4, 2011

where i am today

"fear can be headier than whiskey, once man has acquired a taste for it."  donald dowes


i have, for the last 9 or 10 months at least, been operating under the assumption that i am painfully yet seamlessly working my weary way through the 5 stages of grief:  denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.  with the help of my wonderful trauma therapist i have come to the only logical conclusion, which is:  that i haven't even begun these treacherous steps!  i remain precariously perched on the cliff of fear and anxiety and wholly in the grip of the fight to survive.  though the flood and the "actual" danger have long since passed, i am stuck.  STUCK! 

i have been concerned for some time that i haven't cried a lot since the flood or really even been angry; overwhelmed but bordering on numb.  i've said more times than i can count that i feel as if i'm living the world's longest may 2nd.  the last 16 months are one long blur, shot through with fear and anxiety.  none of which further the "grieving" process.

perhaps i can claim, in some small way, that all of this is "denial" and that i will soon be enveloped in the exhausting ecstasy that is "anger."  i hope so.  i hope for things to be better than this.  i hope for a time when the "real amy" will stare back at me in the mirror.  

may you, may i, may we all, feel His
grace and peace  

Thursday, September 1, 2011

two for two

two nights in a row i've had sweet friends take me to two of my favorite places in town for dinner.  it's always heartening to be reminded of those who are remembering me and reaching out to me in this crazy, uncertain time.  i was nervous all day (both days) about leaving the house, about getting to the restaurant first and not being able to go in by myself, about being too incoherent or distracted to have a conversation, about not enjoying myself, about not being able to give anything back to my friends. 

i survived both parking lots, both restaurants, both menus, both visits.  i'm exhausted and i had to take an extra anti-anxiety pill each day but i made myself go and i'm grateful i did.  the wonderful, gracious truth is that they don't want anything from me, they just want to know that i am still putting one foot in front of the other.

my grandmother moved back to the rehab center today and tomorrow i start sitting with her for a while each day.  i'm afraid that i've had too much coffee today (i tend to "treat" myself to coffee for having completed tasks:  leaving the house, buying stamps, surviving a trek outside of the house, etc.) and now i'm hopped up on the caffeine, though after 2 days of non-stop anxiety and near-panic i actually feel tired tonight.  maybe i'll sleep.

college football starts this weekend and i, once more, face a season with no television.  live sporting events are really the only thing that i miss.  GO VOLS! 

grace and peace and rocky top