"a "should" is a "have to" with no teeth; it is dead energy." -ruth ross
my therapist says that i need to stop "shoulding" myself. i am overwhelmed with that thought tonight. i feel that there are a hundred "shoulds" and shouldn'ts" rolling around in my brain and i'm unable to decipher them.
should: buy cards for my little sister and her daughter who share a birthday next week, wash a load of clothes, make plans for tomorrow night to prove to myself and others that i can, write, get more exercise (starting tomorrow), walk winston one more time tonight, pay some bills, answer the phone when it rings, make a grocery list and stick to it, unload my car of all the booty from my mother's house, write, come to terms with the fact that i may have a job soon, call my little brother, read my lesson for church, drink less wine, lose weight (directly related to aforementioned wine consumption and minimal exercise), write and dare i say it, etc., etc....
shouldn't: drink so much coffee, spend so much time alone, buy any more books, be so self-involved, define myself as "crazy" because i have PTSD, avoid the remaining work to be done on the house, continue to rely on "i can't face it" as an excuse, drink wine at 11:00 pm while listening to willie nelson, etc., etc....
the truth of the matter is, though i feel all these things non-stop, i am doing all i can to merely survive. some of the above-mentioned things won't get done because i don't feel safe going to most places alone so i avoid stores, exercise and even leaving the house most days. some won't get done because i am tired of asking people to accompany me. that's on me and not them, i have plenty of willing people around but i'm too tired to coordinate it; it's easier to do without. i may have solved my wine conundrum because i opened my last bottle a couple of days ago and i'm not going out to buy any when it's gone...
though i've been smack-dab in the middle of this PTSD for almost a year it all feels fresh and new. the edges have yet to be dulled by time; they are as sharp as freshly broken glass. the pieces cut me even as i try to dispose of them shard by tiny shard.
the job interview went well today. i feel physically sick at the thought of having to hold down a job. my panic attacks are so debilitating that i'm afraid i won't be able to function. i'm nearly paralyzed with the fear that i will lose another job. as i believe i've mentioned, i live in fear of the one remaining thing that will break me...though i guess you wouldn't really call that "living" would you?
grace and peace