left behind

i'm behind...behind on writing the blog, behind on my diet, behind on my bills, behind on writing the book, behind on everything.  it's not a new condition - i just thought i'd mention it. 

 

thanksgiving has come and gone and now i'm on the anti-Christmas warpath.  i give praise for the birth of Jesus but i despise what the "holiday" has become.  the consumerism disgusts me.  in my opinion, such as it is, we should aspire to want less stuff not more.  and this is not a post-flood "everything could be gone tomorrow" outlook.  i've been screaming this for 10 years or more.

 

yes, i do think that i've become even more outraged since the flood when i struggle every month to pay the bills (keep in mind most of them aren't paid) and yet continue to hear, "my family has a $50 limit for gifts."  guess what $50 could buy for me?  pet food for the month or gas for the month or my reduced school loan payment.  it's hard.  everything is hard!

 

i'm so tired of living this post-flood, hyper-vigilant, hourly-wage, no health insurance life.  i'm still waiting (2 weeks now) for my inhaler to combat my asthma but the red tape and phone calls and begging for generics, etc. is exhausting and demoralizing.  i have a college degree and i can navigate all this but i feel for those people who don't have the wherewithal to stand up for themselves and accept the first "no" they hear and do without.  this is a hard world for the poor and uninsured.

 

i'm as tired of dealing with this post-flood life as i've ever been.  i'm a different person while nothing around me is different.  things continue on and yet i stay the scared, shocked, angry, exhausted person i've been since may 2, 2010.  2 1/2 years of my life is gone and i have very few memories and even fewer memorable moments to cling to. 

 

i will keep on keeping on for lack of an alternative but i will do it while NOT observing Christmas. 

 

grace and peace



emptiness

"grief makes one hour ten"  Richard II, Shakespeare

 

today has been one of those days:  nothing feels right, nothing satisfies, can't read, can't write, can't sit still, can't get anything done.  i feel, at once, sad, tired, angry, anxious and uneasy. 

 

i've been struggling with this new asthma diagnosis for almost 2 weeks now and i don't feel any better to date.  i hurt all over.  steroids seem to only be making me hungry.  the pharmacist is calling the doctor tomorrow for a more affordable inhaler as the one prescribed on friday is $153 (welcome to the world of the uninsured).  wouldn't you think at the clinic for the uninsured/underinsured that the doctors would just NOT write scripts for medicines without a generic?  i mean, seriously?! $153.  i was assured that there are plenty out there with a generic so that by thursday when the oral steroid is gone i will be able to afford the inhaler.  the x-rays and additional tests will just have to wait.

 

this days seems to have lasted 6 weeks.  i wish i could have slept it away but that's not to be.  insomnia persists.  i suppose i'll try to go to bed before long if only to avoid having to eat again.  i feel hollowed out.

 

much needed grace and peace  

 

  

four more years!

that's all!

i'm so happy!

grace and peace

and the winner is...?

my anxiety level is high tonight with the anticipation of the election tomorrow.  i feel that it will go my way and yet i am nervous about it.  i think the term is "cautiously optimistic." 

 

it's been a long election season (much longer for those of you with a TV!) and i can honestly say i will be glad when it's over. 

 

hopefully 24 hours from now we'll have our answer.

 

grace and peace and four more years!