"it's my party..."

i waited all day long to get to the house and cry in private.  now i'm here and NOTHING!  i guess crying in public all day at work today was enough.  it doesn't feel like enough.

 

grace and peace

breathe in, breathe out

my anxiety is through the roof.  last night i worried all night that someone would break into the bookstore and steal orson the cat.  no one did, but that didn't keep me from worrying all night about it.  tonight i had to go the CVS (one of 2 pre-approved places that i can shop - the other being trader joe's) and the lady that is usually at the check-out went on break while i was shopping and i couldn't check out because i didn't know the guy behind the counter.  i had to stay an extra 20 minutes, and spend an extra $20, until my normal lady got off break. 

 

i finally realized once i got home tonight that my heightened anxiety has been present since the day that there was flooding in nashville a couple of weeks ago.  i've got a call in to my psychiatrist to talk about my meds but i haven't heard anything yet. 

 

i was talking to someone about PTSD today and i got anxious all over again about the fact that it doesn't go away but that those of us afflicted have to learn how to live with it instead of how to cure it.  that's anathema to me.  i want it gone and cured and in my past not just "managed!"  it's such a hard thing to accept.

 

my therapy is progressing but i always feel like it's one step forward and two steps back.  i guess that's normal.  i don't know.  i don't know much right now. 

 

grace and peace  

the sun'll come out...

i can't even describe how i feel today.  no matter how many times it happens it's hard to acknowledge that i can't describe or even define my feelings or my emotions.  i woke up this morning thinking that i was getting sick:  i was achy and sore, tired and feverish.  as the day went on i realized that i wasn't necessarily sick but perhaps anxious. 

 

it's not the usual path my anxiety takes.  i can't read, can't write, can't watch a video, can't sleep, can't rest, can't sit outside and can't find a comfortable place inside. 

 

all i can do on days like this is pray for peace and look forward to tomorrow.  maybe it will be better...

 

grace and peace  

enough's enough!

for a flood victim this much rain is scary.  it's not supposed to be rainy like this in august.  january, yes, but not august.  my anxious mind and heart can't take much more.  the sun peaked out for a few minutes today but it wasn't enough.

 

the flooding is supposed to continue in the area and, though i don't believe i am in any danger, it means that i can't turn on the TV (the one channel that i have) and i can't escape the panic that i feel on a nearly-continuous basis. 

 

the last few days have taken a toll and i feel less like myself than ever.  that's saying something.  it causes me to believe that i will never get better, never put this behind me, never NOT be a victim.  i'm so tired. 

 

i hear the rain on the skylight as i type this and feel my heart racing to match the cacophony.  it hurts. 

 

i had errands to run today before work and i have more tomorrow.  i think i'll try to get in bed early and pray for sleep or at least rest.

 

grace and peace