Thursday, October 31, 2013

save the ta-tas

a few weeks ago i noticed some sharp pains in my right breast.  then last week i noticed a burning/stinging pain on the underside of the same breast.  i did some online research while waiting for my numerous phone calls to be returned.  the good news:  breast cancer rarely presents with pain.  the bad news: i'm uninsured, not 40 (though i am 39 years, 6 months and 3 weeks old) and poor. 
 
it took 3 hours at the neighborhood clinic, an exam and a week before i was able to get a referral to yet another clinic.  i  go in the morning for a mammogram and possibly an ultrasound (to the tune of $400).  THIS is why we need the ACA.
 
if i didn't have a little money in the bank from my grandmother's estate i would be unable to get these tests.  it's abhorrent to me that i might die before i could get these tests just because i'm 6 months too young.  i'm 39.  my grandmother had a double-mastectomy at 39.  my aunt had breast cancer in her 20s. 
 
no matter, i will pay the $400 and get health insurance in january whether i have breast cancer (AKA a pre-existing condition) or not.
 
take THAT republicans!
 
grace and peace
 

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

the princess and the pea

a little more than three years ago when i moved back into this house after the flood i moved in a set of $25 mattresses that my mother bought at a yard sale.  i've slept on them nearly every night and EVERY night that i slept on them i was reminded that they weren't MINE.  they didn't feel like mine, they didn't sleep like mine, they weren't mine.
 
the first thing i wanted to do with a little money from my grandmother's estate was buy new mattresses.  i did.  my mother had to go shopping with me and daddy had to be here today as they were delivered but tonight i will sleep on MY OWN MATTRESSES!
 
nearly 3 1/2 years since the flood and things are still undone, in disrepair, unpainted, neglected and downright ignored but this one little thing is a BIG thing.  i spend so much time bemoaning the fact that everything i own is a replacement for something i lost and while that is true and disconcerting i hope i will not feel that way when i lie down tonight.  it's gonna get cold tonight and the dog and cats and i are gonna pile up in our new bed and start a new book. 
 
grace and peace

Sunday, October 13, 2013

inertia

STUCK! 
 
that's how i feel today.  i feel it most days in some sense but today it's worse.  i can't seem to find the energy, the wherewithal, the motivation or the drive to do much of anything.  i don't want to clean, i don't want to cook, i don't want to read or write or practice my guitar.  i just want to sit and stare at the tv without being able to pay the least bit of attention to the football game i've been "watching" since 3 p.m.  it's now halftime and i can't recall having seen one actual play. 
 
i had big plans for the yesterday:  take car in for oil change, run by and see the changes to my grandparents place, visit with a friend, buy a baby gift, shop for some clothes, buy books for the store.  those things i managed with the help of my dear friend, kelly.
 
today the plans were:  church, shop for mattresses, buy my bike, ride my bike, do laundry, return a few things i bought at goodwill yesterday, cook, clean, etc.  okay, that's WAY to much for me to do in one weekend but today so far i've finished a very short book and made myself a smoothie.  that's it.  oh, i picked out 1 or 2 songs on the guitar...
 
inertia.  when days like this come i become overly anxious that my post-flood like will never be free of days when i just CAN'T. DO. ANYTHING!  granted, because i've always been an insomniac, i had days like this pre-flood BUT now they come filled with the memory of the exhaustion, the panic, the fear, the numbness and the pain of those post-flood "down days".  the ones where all i could do was sit and stare at the wall completely disconnected from the world and living in a constant state of post-trauma shock. 
 
those of us living with PTSD usually have a handful, or more, of triggers that set off panic attacks or heightened anxiety.  i have several and one of them is being overly tired.  that's where i am today and i'm wishing that i were off for columbus day tomorrow.
 
grace and peace