the official countdown

got the official word today that the new owners of the building want to renegotiote a new lease when mine expires in june BUT that my rent will double.

so they (a university-my alma mater) "want" me to stay but they intend to make it impossible to do so.  they will, within the next 2 years, tear down this 100 year old building and build shiny, new, soulless, generic buildings in its place but they can't continue to rent to me in the meantime at my current rate?  they have to double the rent?

no, they don't have to.  they choose to.  the university representative said that if i leave they won't rent the space to someone else they will just move in some existing university employees.  so it will become office space and they won't make any money at all.  still, that's preferable to them than cashing my rent check and keeping an alumna-owned small business on the block.

it's not hard to tell that i'm angry about this.  i'm also greif-stricken and anxious about it.  i have some time before i have to let them know what i intend to do but there's only one answer:  i have to close.  there is no way i can pay more.  there is no way i can afford rent anywhere else in nashville.  so the dream is ending.  it's heartbreaking.

i have to stop thinking about it tonight.  it's exactly what i knew was going to happen so it's not at all a surprise.  it just starts the countdown in an official way.  on june 30th...i'm done.  

lent begins tomorrow and i haven't spent any time on my plan for observing.  some years i give up something.  some years i add something.  this year i have no idea how to do either and sustain it for 40 days.  i'm already overwhelmed. 

i'm gonna fall into bed and pray for sleep!

grace and peace  

to write or not to write

these days i can't seem to write anything.  i've just managed a handful of blog posts in the first 7 weeks of the year.  BUT...i'm trying not to be too hard on myself.  i need to write this blog for my sanity and i want to be writing on a fiction piece i've been working on for a while but i'm pretty worn out these days.  

the store takes it out of me and my anxiety is very high!  this week my therapist told me that i'm the highest functioning agoraphobic she's ever treated.  i suppose that's something to be proud of(?)!  i am an agoraphobic but i go to the store every day and i talk to strangers all day all the while somewhat terrified of being out of the house.  i suppose i'm able to do it because i'm also somewhat terrified of being in the house.  (i also have no choice.)  

anyway, i'm really going to work on setting aside a few minutes a day to get myself back into the habit of writing.  i know it helps.  i don't know for sure what my reluctance is other than the general anxiety of recording some of my anxious thoughts on the blog.  that, and my general laziness and procrastination when it comes to planning and doing any additional non-bookstore related work.  (you should see the state of the house!) 

grace and peace and writing