the anxious mind

my anxiety is very high these days.  the workday is fine but the minute i leave i feel it rise to near-panic attack level.  i can't figure out if it's because i have to keep it together while at work and then i let down when i leave and fall apart or if it's another one of the anxiety-inducing things on my mind.

 

tonight was the first night i drove home in the dark.  that does not make me happy!  reminds me of the undeniable fact that it's almost september, the impending fall and the dreaded winter not far behind.  the death toll on the big, scary electric signs on the interstate now stands at 666.  it went up 5 today! 

 

i had begun to feel like a horrible person because i so dreaded seeing the '666' that i was almost hoping the number would jump to 667 and then i realized what that would mean.  1 more precious life gone.

 

last night on my way home i got so angry when i drove by a little restaurant that i used to visit with some regularity and saw a group of friends visiting in the tiny parking lot.  my immediate reaction was:  i can't do that anymore.  i can't go there - it's too noisy, the tables are too close together, it's not a pre-approved "safe place" now.  i was reminded of how far i have to go.  how much work there is yet to be done.  how tired i am and how different i am.

 

headaches have plagued me this week and i am once again going to attempt an early bedtime and at least a few hours of sleep.

 

grace and peace



cornbread and cat toys

long day at work today.  didn't sit down all day!  it's still hard to get used to.  i'm so thankful for this job.  it's just perfect for me right now.  it's the only job i've ever had that didn't feel like a waste of a good day!  :)  if only the money allowed me to have some breathing room...

tonight i let my aunt feed me dinner (pinto beans and cornbread) and let my dad give me $20 gas money, a jar of peanut butter and a box of crackers to tide me over until payday on friday. 

i'm still struggling daily with my anxiety but it does seem to abate some while i'm at work because i'm busy all day.  today, though, i was worried about my pug because he ate a cat toy over the weekend and it was causing some problems.  i believe we're out of the woods on that score - he's back to himself tonight. 

i think i will turn off all the gadgets and take my book to bed.  i feel a little overwhelmed and exhausted and do not need to spend any time catching up on "news" like i do some nights about this time.  i'll just take the easy way out and watch "the daily show" in the morning.  

grace and peace 

  

unsettled

today is one of those days...

i don't want to read anything, watch anything, listen to anything, go anywhere or otherwise interact.  i thought for a while about going to my brother's to watch the olympics but thought better of it due to my general moodiness and the amount of gas needed for the 70 mile round trip. 

there's no food here and no energy and/or money to rectify the problem.  i have one potato and i thought of mashed potatoes and green beans (somehow i have a can of green beans!) only to remember that i don't own a mixer anymore.  is it possible that i've not cooked mashed potatoes since the flood?  well, i'll have to settle for a baked potato, then!

it's unseasonably cool outide today (low 80s) so i've spent some blocks of time outside sitting, staring directly into the sun, or making winston walk more than he bargained for today.

i guess i'll continue to pick up a book, put it down, turn on music, listen to a song or two and turn it off, try to concentrate long enough to watch an episode of a sitcom and then lose my place or get to the end and realize i've not actually seen it.  ugh!!

i hate these days.  these are the only days when i miss not having a TV.  with a TV at least i could flip channels until midnight and not know where the time went.

grace and peace