it's been more than a month since i've even thought about writing. 7 and a half weeks have passed since daddy went to the ER. it feels like years to all of us i think. since my last post daddy moved to a cancer treatment center where he received 3 weeks of radiation (5 days a week) and chemo (once a week). now he's in a rehab center where he's getting physical therapy every day. don't know how long he will be there.
then HOME.
we will meet with the oncologist later this month for test and reevaluation to decide on future treatment. diagnosis is the same, of course, but prognosis is much improved. i don't know how long he has and i find that rather unimportant at this point. the important thing is that the time he has left, be it months or years, is as pain-free and as filled with love as possible.
i want him here as long as i live. that's obvious. i can't imagine my life without him. right now, though, i'm just glad he got to the hospital when he did and that we are in week 8 of the rest of his life. had he not gotten there when he did i believe he would be gone now. as hard as this is it is bearable compared to his dying untreated and in pain.
since this blog is in large part about my struggle with PTSD and anxiety i will try to address what i'm feeling as far as that goes. it's hard to define, as i'm not sure i've stopped long enough to think about me during this, but here goes...
in some ways i've noticed my anxiety less in the past 8 weeks as i'm too focused on daddy to think of anything else and too tired to give a damn on the other had. that being said, i'm shopping nearly 100% online because the thought of a store is terrifying. not sure if it's exhaustion or increased anxiety but i have little to no ability to do even the few things i was able to do before.
prayers please.
grace and peace
