Saturday, December 31, 2011

another year over...

"time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once."  woody allen

i have to admit that i no longer spend much time thinking about the passage of time, the meaning of life or the words of "auld lang syne."  time is different for me now.  just like all things are.  the last nearly 20 months (yes, i had to count on my fingers because i can no longer do simple math in my head) have passed almost without notice.  the time is lost.  though my pre-flood life seems much more distant than that. 

i skipped the last family function of the Christmas season today.  i feel like maybe i should have gone but i couldn't make myself.  i was so anxious.  i guess it's good that i decided not to go because i've spent the better part of today trying to gain access to my own car.  i went out this morning to get winston's milkbones from the trunk and couldn't open the car.  i tried several times then just gave up.  hours later, after walking winston, i tried again, same result, the key would not turn.  (i don't have power locks and the only way to unlock the car is with the actual key.)  on the third and final try i realized my mistake...i was using my house key instead of my car key.  now my house key is next to the car key (the big black key with "nissan" stamped right on there!) but i didn't notice.  okay, so now i'm in the car but have no memory of why i wanted in the car.  as of now, almost 4:00 p.m. i still don't have the milkbones i went to get this morning at 6:30.  our evening walk will be soon and i will try one last time.  he's not even supposed to have milkbones but they were a gift!!!!!!!!!

see how hard everything is?  no wonder i have no idea what day/month/year it is when i can't even open my car!  considering i haven't been anywhere today that car has consumed most of my day.  i did manage to write a little while listening to my radio station play the top 100 songs of 2011.  i only heard 35-1.  don't ask me what any of them were...

grace and peace and hope for the new year

Thursday, December 29, 2011

rocks vs. hard places

it happened today...the inevitable phone call with my mortgage company.  none of my options are attractive:

1.  pay a reduced amount and watch my excellent credit score start a steady decline as early as january 1;
2.  pay nothing, watch my credit nosedive and prepare for foreclosure to start in april (just in time for my birthday!);
3.  borrow against my line of credit at the credit union to keep the bills paid for another 3-4 months and pray that if/when i get a job it allows me to ADD another bill to my unmanageable finances;
4.  declare bankruptcy (eventually);
5.  run away!

i suppose i could add:
6.  attempt to sell this house, wretched, unfinished hellhole that it is, and THEN run away!

let's not forget that i can't grocery shop alone, i get lost to and from my own house, i live on no sleep and constant anxiety--i do not feel at all equipped to choose the correct thing (if there were a correct thing to be chosen.)  i have until mid-january to decide but i can't imagine being any more prepared then. 

on a lighter note:  i promised myself that i would start running again today and i chickened out.  i did make myself get on the hated elliptical machine for a couple of miles.  i have regretted replacing my flooded treadmill with that damn torture machine since i bought it.  it's supposed to be 60 degrees tomorrow and i'm gonna try to talk myself into running. 

hopefully tonight i will remember to take my meds on time.  if i take my sleeping pill too late (which i almost always do) then i'm useless until well past midday.  i'm awake but drugged.  i'm supposed to take the sleeping pill at about 7:00 so i don't feel hungover the next day but i never remember to take it until bedtime so last night i took it at 11:30 and was up until 3:00 a.m.

grace and peace
  

Sunday, December 25, 2011

how the grinch survived Christmas...

i wrote a little, read a little, watched all the frasier Christmas episodes that were available on netflix, watched die hard (yippie-ki-yay!), prayed the phone wouldn’t ring, took winston for a long walk since the weather was so nice (high 50s), played with kentucky, talked to no one (i did respond to a couple of texts), treated myself to a peppermint mocha from mcdonald’s, took a 45 minute nap (!), drank a little wine, ate a little brie, spoke to a father and his little girl on her new bike (complete with training wheels, streamers and a bell!) on my walk, missed my aunt jenny, skipped the family function (natch!) and watched winston devour a pigs' ear (a Christmas gift from my mom!) i don’t buy them, of course, since i’m a vegetarian! 

i ate too much even though i didn't go anywhere and i have been maudlin and anxious all day.  i'm glad it's over and all i have to do is go see my niece and nephew later this week and see what santa got them.  they are used to my anti-Christmas stance and no longer question it, they just lump it in with my vegetarianism and my bookishness and write it off...bless their hearts!

i wish i could have made it to church this morning but i settled for watching it on-line.  it was a beautiful service; i sang along, right out loud, just like i were there.  i hope to be able to get past my anxiety and make it there in person next week. 

grace and peace


Friday, December 23, 2011

a surprise in every sack

a hard day but a good day.  getting to therapy was hard, meeting my friends for coffee was hard but i got through them both.  i don't know which was better counselling...

my friends (a married couple) are flood victims too.  our stories are quite different yet so much the same that we are able to commiserate and offer small and clumsy comforts to each other.  today they gave me a wonderful gift:  they spent a lot of time shopping and hundreds of dollars on groceries and staples for me.

pre-flood i would have been embarrassed, perhaps mortified, to accept this kind of help, let alone share it with any and everyone reading this, but times change and i have changed.  last may, after losing everything, i stood in a church gym down the street with an empty box and a broken heart and realized that i didn't own a toothbrush, a fork, toilet paper, sheets, food.  i had nothing.  i was grateful to accept those things that others had so generously and lovingly given.  it changed me in a way i can't put into words.

my kitchen cabinet this morning with a box of cereal, peanut butter and crackers and one box of organic macaroni and cheese...
i know now that i will be thankful for aluminum foil and toothpaste and light bulbs in ways that i never could have before.  i take nothing for granted because i know what it feels like to be without.  my friends loaded me up with all kinds of great things and i was thrilled as i opened each sack to see all that they had done for me (almost like a kid on Christmas morning, if you will allow me the use of that phrase since you know my feelings about Christmas!)  they got me treats too, things i don't buy for myself:  nutella, diet coke, pepperidge farm cookies (yum!)

the same cabinet now...
see the nutella?!!!!  i am blessed.

grace and peace       

Thursday, December 22, 2011

alternate hot and cold

i'm very anxious today.  i've been overwhelmed with job hunting on-line and worrying about the fact that i do not own a fireproof box for my important papers (those that weren't destroyed in the flood, that is!)  there is no particular reason that i thought of said fireproof box but once the thought occurred to me i have been unable to think of much else.
my headache is better today though not totally gone.  i've spent a good part of the day with a cold pack on top of my head (i.e., like a southern belle with a book on her head perfecting her posture in etiquette class.)  i'm sure i look utterly ridiculous but i think it's helped a little.  that and sleeping (ha!) with a heating pad on my neck all night.

okay, i finally broke down and joined facebook.  i've been avoiding it forever and if i weren't so obsessed with pinterest i wouldn't have done it.  anyway, i will now be sharing these posts there as well (hopefully i'll remember.)

i have therapy tomorrow and for the life of me i can't think of any valid, believable way to get out of it.  i don't think the headache is gonna keep me from it.  i dread it more so this week than most.  i suppose it's my sheer and utter hatred of Christmas and the subsequent and ever-present green hills traffic that have added to the dread. 

grace and peace

 

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

i've got a headache THIS big...

day 3 of this headache and i'm useless.  i have done nothing at all for 72 hours.  can't read, can't watch tv.  i managed to load and run the dishwasher because it's quiet but i had to stop the washing machine mid-cycle because it's too loud.  i let the cycle finish when i went outside with winston.  the several times i've gone out to walk him (in my pajamas) constitutes the sum total of my time outside the house.  i won't go as far as to say it's a migraine because it's not that bad but it's bad enough.  hurts to turn my head at all and feels like my skull with implode at any given moment. 

when i'm alert enough to do anything i waste time on the computer and talk quietly to the pets (both in the dark.)  i continue to live on the post-flood diet of toast and coffee, bananas and peanut butter and veggies and hummus.  it's not fancy but it's enough.  it's amazing to me that i continue to gain weight like that.  i suppose it is the medicine!  just one more stressor!

i did get good news yesterday:  my little sister is pregnant with her 3rd child!  3rd!!!!  congrats to her, my brother-in-law and my 7 year old nephew and 4 year old niece. 

no sight of meave.  kentucky seems at home.  winston wishes it would stop raining.

grace and peace

Sunday, December 18, 2011

once again...

i'm touched by the death of a public figure, vaclav havel.  when i was a teenager and in love with politics, music, books and writing i joined amnesty international and learned of this activist playwright in jail in czechoslovakia.  i wrote letters on his behalf and read all i could about him in the pre-internet world of books in a one-library, small southern town.  when he later became president i felt elated and not a little responsible.  i was 15.  he was a writer, a lover of rock and roll and a nominee for the nobel peace prize on several occasions.  i am mindful of much about him that i admired then and still do today.  my favorite quote, though, has to be a funny one...

"if you want to see your plays performed the way you wrote them, become president."

grace and peace     

Saturday, December 17, 2011

saturday night's alright for fighting

2 days of family functions, errands, therapy and driving have left me exhausted and, you guessed it, anxious!  i made the rounds to both grandparents' homes this weekend so that i can justify not attending Christmas festivities.  i also got a haircut, got my oil changed and visited with friends today.

it is still utterly shocking to me that my anxiety affects every single thought and action in my life.  today i got to the gas station and stood in the cold for several minutes before i could make any sense whatsoever of the process for pumping gas.  it has been less than a week since i got gas and i literally had no idea what to do!!  perhaps the fear that i took tonight's medicine this morning instead of my morning meds was a factor. 

several months ago i had to buy an old person pill holder with sunday-saturday a.m./p.m. slots in order to keep up with my many medications but today i'm almost 100% sure that i took the wrong ones.  i drove the 50 miles to my hairdresser (my mother's best friend who had been cutting my hair since i was 10 years old or i would never make the trip!) with the overwhelming fear that the interstate lanes were narrowing and that the sky itself was closing in.  i also followed a car for 10-12 miles with expired tags and had to fight the strong compulsion to ram them--if not just to warn them to actually illicit police involvement...

i got through the day and started home when i remembered to stop for gas (it's 10 to 15 cents cheaper there than at home) so i pulled into the station on 2 wheels and promptly forgot how to buy gas.  it was awful.  being away from the house is always stressful and i've been out for nearly the last 48 hours.  tonight i will lie on the couch and watch a movie.

no sign of my cat, maeve.  i rescued a kitty from the shelter in hopkinsville.  i named her kentucky.  here's an older pic of her when she first got to the shelter.


i will add an updated picture soon.  she is a blue point siamese and she is totally adorable.  she's a year old and very playful and loving.  no trouble getting her acclimated.  winston seems to like her (he likes everyone just so long as he's not alone!)  we are all getting along swimmingly just hoping against hope that maeve returns!

grace and peace
  

Monday, December 12, 2011

sad and scared

because of my inability to feel and reason like "the old amy" i find myself in quite a bind tonight.  i have arranged a trip tomorrow to adopt a cat from an animal shelter in kentucky.  my maeve has been gone 2 weeks--the ONLY 2 weeks of my life that i haven't had at least one cat--and i'm lonesome and lost catless. 

i feel an extreme amount of guilt over getting a new cat so soon, as if i'm "replacing" maeve without honoring her with my lingering grief.  though if i'm honest, it's more than that, it's that:

1. i can't grieve in any "normal" way (at least what passed as pre-flood "normal");
2. even when and if meave comes home--2 cats are better than one;
3. winston continues to look for meave and it's breaking my heart;
4. there are so many cats out there who need homes;
5. this particular cat is at a kill shelter;
6. she's a year old which significantly reduces her chance of adoption;
7. the adoption fees are affordable; and 
8. i can't stop thinking about her.

(sorry, i'm a list-maker!)

though i have shed many a tear over maeve in the last 2 weeks, i am worried about my insistence on getting a new cat right away.  it feels impulsive and screams of avoidance and desperation.  i'm not sure the right thing to do but i see myself coming home with a new siamese cat tomorrow.  right or wrong, i will love, spoil and not regret her for a minute. 

obviously my anxiety is high today.  i had to go out to the doctor this morning (which i have all but blocked out.)  it was hard in spite of the fact that i was out of the house less than an hour and a half.  the rest of the day has been spent reading, walking winston and watching and listening for maeve to come home.  my life is devoid of routine, exertion and productivity and yet i am exhausted and anxious all the time.  i'm trying to figure out some way to motivate myself to start working out again but so far it is totally an intellectual exercise.  i know that i would feel better but i continue to avoid anything resembling physical fitness.   

grace and peace and cats



Saturday, December 10, 2011

reality check

i got home tonight after spending the day with a friend and STILL NO CAT!!!!  somehow i felt sure that if i finally broke down and stopped watching to door for her little face to appear she would show up...the "watched pot never boils" philosophy...no luck.  i reluctantly left winston to hold down the fort while i visited with my oldest and dearest friend.  we had a good day but my mind was never far from worry over what may have happened to the cat.  i miss her terribly.  little, spoiled, self-involved winston has noticed that she's gone and is diligently looking for her.  it's disconcerting and heartbreaking.

however, i do seem to have avoided the dreaded lockjaw.  the cut has finally begun to heal and i am resigned to putting sheets back on the bed any day now (i have been sleeping on the couch since maeve went missing just in case she starts her siamese crying in the wee hours...) 

i am in mourning over the loss of actor harry morgan, 96, who played my beloved colonel sherman t. potter on M*A*S*H for 8 of its 11 seasons. 


with my anxiety on high-alert i have begun to count the recent losses and to add these to the previous ones for what can only be quantified with equations, algorithms and numbers too complex for my addled, tired and grief-stricken mind to comprehend.  i am beyond overwhelmed.

i may actually be at the point where i can no longer pay my mortgage.  i don't know if it will be this month or next but the day is coming if i can't find a job soon.  somehow i have very little interest in or fear of this fact.  it's just too surreal for my aforementioned otherwise-occupied mind to handle. 

keep my in your prayers as i keep you in mine.

grace and peace 




Sunday, December 4, 2011

lost cats and lockjaw

my sweet, beautiful, wonderful cat, maeve has been missing for 5 days now.  that's 120 hours of sheer, unadulterated panic! 

yes, she looks evil but she is a sweetheart.  she is the least neurotic animal i have ever had.  i do not feel equipped to survive one more loss.  my mother and i put up nearly 50 posters on friday and i have registered on all the local "lost pet" websites.

i have done very little this week but sit and watch the french doors for her face to appear but tonight i decided i had to finally wash my sheets.  well...i cut my index finger on a staple in the $25 garage-sale mattress that i now own and am irrationally afraid of contracting lockjaw AGAIN!  keep in mind i did have a tetanus shot just after the flood but that does little to alleviate my life-long fear of lockjaw! 

oh, the humanity!

grace and peace

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

today's four-letter word

lost:  having gone astray or missed the way; bewildered as to place or direction.

there is no other way to describe how i feel today but to say that i am LOST.  i'm having one of those days that i do illogical things and therefore add to my state of bewilderment.  this afternoon i bundled up (the temperature is in the 30s), got winston on his leash and set out the 2 blocks to the mailbox with my netflix movie and one letter to mail.  we got there in a huff, as we hate the cold, before i realized that i had neglected to put a stamp on the letter.  it will have to wait for tomorrow because i am NOT going back.  that, and i can't find my stamps!

for some reason i later felt the overwhelming need to go to the bank.  (the nearest of which has no drive-thru window so that's out.)  i set out the nearly 10 miles to another branch and pulled in to the parking lot before i realized that i had no reason at all to be there.  i had no check to deposit, no money to withdraw, no means or energy with which to rob the place so i sat in the parking lot and tried to come up with a reason for being there.  i looked longingly at the target next door, the pier 1 at the end of the shopping complex and remembered the days that i could just walk into a store by myself and not feel like i would die upon entry.  those days are gone. 

with the gas wasted and the trip for naught i decided i would drive-thru the nearby starbucks (or the dunkin' donuts across the street depending on the length of the line) for a cup of coffee that i didn't need or particularly want.  luckily the starbucks line wasn't too bad so i was able to use a gift card and not spend any "real" money. 

i'm disoriented today.  i've checked my phone to verify the day countless times - i cannot make sense of it being tuesday so i keep having to look at the calendar.  i don't know what difference it makes but losing track of date and time feels scary.  i remember going for lunch and grocery shopping with a friend on sunday afternoon but i have no conscious memory of yesterday at all.  part of that is that i'm not working now so the days all run together but there is so much time that i cannot account for that it leaves me confused, frightened and, yes, LOST!

grace and peace

Saturday, November 26, 2011

i bleed orange

it happened today.  my football team lost and we are not eligible for a bowl game.  that means that my college football season is over...in november!  it's awful.  as little southern girls we are taught to love and/or revere certain things, they are:

1.  our daddies;
2.  Jesus;
3.  our college football colors, mascot and coach;
4.  the make of car our daddies drive; and
5.  robert e. lee.

i grew up knowing that i would drive a ford (and i did--a baby blue mustang convertible) until we, as a family, switched to nissan.  i also grew up wearing orange every saturday from august-new years as those were the months that correspond with the university of tennessee volunteers football schedule.  i have untold amounts of orange clothing (and no one really looks good in orange!)  pre-flood i had at least a half dozen bottles of orange toenail polish (those too are orange for fall.)  i now only have one bottle of orange polish (bought for me by daddy shortly after the flood.)


i was food and familied out after the thanksgiving celebrations so i stayed home to watch the game on-line.  it was horrible.  i will never know if they could have pulled it out (we only lost by 3 points) had i driven across town to watch with the family!  we sports fans are a superstitious lot. 

my maternal grandmother is on her way to the hospital tonight with a high fever.  i'm worried about her and am waiting to hear some news.  my mono continues to hang on.  it was a beautiful day here today and we spent a good deal of time outside--rain and cold are expected tomorrow. 

my anxiety hasn't been too bad today.  at least until the sun went down and i started my hunt for the moon.  it's very cloudy now so there's no hope of seeing it tonight but the last 2 nights it's been relatively clear yet i have been unable to spot it.  i know nothing about the phases of the moon, i pay little to no attention to its location, but i have begun to be paranoid about its conspicuous absence since thursday night.  it was clear and i could see innumerable stars (rare this close to downtown) but the moon was MIA.  i haven't seen it since and am feeling a little uneasy about it. 

there is no limit to the wild, irrational thoughts to which i am prone these days.  i feel as if the earth itself has slipped from its orbit and i am the only one who knows it.

grace and peace



Friday, November 25, 2011

d-day

i'm getting ready to leave for the family thanksgiving and i am NOT in a good place to do so.  my anxiety is through the roof this morning.  i love my family, each and every one, but dread interacting with the whole. 

i will not be asked about the flood and my recovery because it happened 18 months ago and to everyone but me--it's over.  i will be asked how the job search is going and i just can't stand the pat reply that i know i will give, "it's a hard market.  there's not much out there.  something will come!"  when what i want to say is "i've had 2 interviews in 18 months, this is the worst economy since the great depression, i am in no shape, mentally, to work right now but that i have no money left!!!!" 

i got a call when i was in the shower asking me to call over there before i leave the house--no doubt someone wants me to stop and pick something up.  i can't go in anywhere alone so now i have to either not call back and say i didn't get the message, call back and make an excuse because being too scared to go to the store to buy butter will not be understood (nor the fact that i have no money to do so!) or call my brother to take care of it for me.  i am thankful for my big brother! 

i'm a wreck and only want to crawl back into bed and hide!!  or get in the car and drive until i run out of gas and start over where ever i end up...

grace and peace and thanksgiving

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

a walking bullseye

the level to which anxiety has invaded my life still boggles my mind.  this week i've been struggling with a near constant feeling of vulnerability.  i made myself go to dinner with a friend last night but told her that i was sure her van would get flattened by a meteor before night's end.  i feel exposed, as if i'm walking around naked while trying not to draw attention to myself. 

nothing feels safe.  today i've even been unable to watch television.  this week i have encountered 3 episodes of 3 different shows that have left me terribly anxious:  one having to do with a house fire, the 2 others dealing with PTSD and showing brief but realistic panic attacks.  i watched all 3 shows but shoudln't have.  now i'm reluctant to do even that.  i've read a lot and listened to a lot of music today. 

my brother just called and told me to watch the thanksgiving episode of WKRP where they are dropping live turkeys from a helicopter.  HA!  i will watch that tonight!  i'm going to his house tomorrow for a day of football (we celebrate thanksgiving on the day after with the family.)  i wish that i had my copy of "home for the holidays" but i lost it in the flood.  it is my absolute favorite thanksgiving/disfunctional family movie!  it's gone.


i am thankful for many things.  i wish that i were as adept at listing those things as i am at listing the lost things, the scary things, the different things and the new things.

     

Monday, November 21, 2011

for want of a rainbow

family drama, money woes, panic attacks, a death in the family, muscle aches, holiday stress, low-grade fever AND i'm out of bananas!!  i'm so overwhelmed i can't imagine ever feeling any different.  i certainly can't imagine ever feeling better. 

i am a loner by nature (and nurture too, i suppose) but there are days like today when i wish i had a husband.  or at least someone who could fight some of these fights, fill out some of this paperwork, do some of the decision making and planning on my behalf.  i'm so tired of having to do it all.  i'm not sure i'll ever find the motivation to get the house finished and i don't care anymore.

my exhaustion and apathy are bone-deep.  i have nothing left to give.  maybe one day the fear and pain i feel will lessen but i know that some of the changes in me are permanent.  the old me and the new me are in an epic battle for my peace of mind (sanity, if you will) and i'm not in tune with either of them enough to know who to root for.  

it's warm here, but rainy.  the animals and i have hunkered down.  i still maintain that winter hibernation is the way to go.  i don't remember the last time i saw the sun.   should i be listening to neil young?  i don't know...the good part of my day was a much-needed phone call from my best friend.  i think i may have even laughed once.  i love you even though you hate neil young!

grace and peace   

Friday, November 18, 2011

6 weeks of holiday cheer (not in this house!)

it happened today...the Christmas lights at the opryland hotel were lit.  i hate Christmas.  i HATE it!  these lights, all 2 million of them, will be lit 24 hours a day through new year's.  there will be countless people from all over the world who come to see every tree, bush and all 600,000+ square feet of the hotel covered in lights.  i will turn my head and curse it, sometimes under my breath, sometimes out loud, sometimes with the windows rolled down and sometimes to locals and tourists alike.  i live very close to this hotel and there is very little nearby but the damn river, other hotels, numerous steak houses and a mall that has been closed since it was destroyed by the flood. 

i spend every saturday night all year round cursing the tourists here in music city, U.S.A. for the grand ole opry.  i don't listen to country music, i don't like country music and i hate to fight the traffic and tourists all weekend, every weekend.  now they have millions of lights that draw fans of one more institution i despise:  Christmas.  bastards!

i've had an emotional day:  therapy, another hour-long fight with metro about the money promised to me more than a year ago, the imminent death of a great-aunt due to stroke and the dreaded inevitability of an empty bank account.  more money will come within the week but i am worth $5.00 right now.  that's all i have in the world. 

i again feel totally unequipped to cope with any of these things.  if i were at all able to envision or imagine my future i'm sure i would be scared to death but i've lost that particular skill.  i just feel empty and tired.  i have no bigger concern than whether i get a decent nights sleep.  

i spent the afternoon with my beloved cousin and her two precious kids.  i always feel better with her, though i don't feel like myself.  it's kind of like seeing myself interact but not being totally present.  that's the dissociation that i'm trying to tackle in therapy.  that's one of the long laundry list of things to tackle.  no wonder i'm so tired!

grace and peace  

Thursday, November 17, 2011

the agony and the ecstasy

agony:  i have a new obsession.  for the last 2 days a man in a silver nissan has parked across the street from my house on numerous occasions throughout the day.  at some point he gets out of the car and disappears but most of the time he sits in the car.  i want to approach him, knock on the window and give him a little of this: 

"you know, we've all been through enough around here and we are all a bundle of raw nerves.  can you please not park here and check your email or ditch your car while you case the neighborhood or walk down the street to have a midday affair because i cannot stand to see this car here!  i'm afraid.  i'm angry and i won't be able to take this much longer!!"

i won't do that for fear that i will scream until i lose my voice, he calls the police or i die of an aneurysm.  i have to go outside to walk winston or i would absolutely not leave this wretched house while he was parked there.  why does he park there?!  where does he go?!  why do i have to put up with one more thing that feels like a threat?!  i just want something to feel normal, something to feel okay, but nothing does. 

ecstasy:  i spent the morning, while not standing at the window checking on the aforementioned car, finishing the new stephen king book.  absolute greatness!  i loved every page of it (nearly 850 pages.)  i remain in awe of his imagination and swoon at his writing ability.  he writes sentences that i would gladly give my eye teeth (ha!) to have written.

my sleep is in "catch up mode" so i am sleeping at weird hours during the day while not sleeping much at night.  i am so tired.  still feeling under the weather and fighting mono (or mono-like affliction.)  my temperature is up tonight and i am readying tonight's bowl of soup for supper. 

i will eat a bite and begin the search for a new novel to read.  i always feel somewhat bad for the book i pick up after a stephen king because it never measures up.  i try to pick something totally different...just to be fair.

grace and peace

Monday, November 14, 2011

differences in perspective

since my last post i have been to therapy, trader joe's and the dreaded lowe's.  none of them were easy.  daddy had to go to lowe's with me, of course.  as i was waiting for him to pull his van around, the lowe's employee waiting to load the purchases asked me if i was "almost done" with the house.  i told him that the load we were picking up is supposed to be my last (new fiberglass front door and new storm door.)  he said, "i've seen you in here hundreds of times since the flood.  are you excited to get the house finished?"  i surprised him by answering a very firm and succinct "no!"  i told him i wanted to get all the stuff done and then "set it on fire!"  he gave a nervous smile and chuckle but quickly realized i was not kidding.  he wanted to know if the whole 18 months had been miserable.  i replied with a simple, "yes."

it is so hard to explain to people who haven't lived this that no matter what the house looks like it feels as if it will never be finished to me.  i still see concrete floors and bare studs where the walls are supposed to be. 


this photo was taken in the guest bedroom looking through what is supposed to be the wall that separates it from the kitchen.

it's impossible to explain that the house is the least significant loss the flood inflicted.  the emotional scars of losing "home" are far greater than losing a house.  the exhaustion of endurance and recovery is more shocking than the loss of any one "thing."  or of many things. 

the realization that trauma can change not just one's address or wardrobe or the color of paint on the walls or the perceived safety of home but that it changes the very idea of oneself.  i know that i am no longer the person who woke up the morning of may 2, 2010, while the rain was still falling, and my home was still "home." 

i'm reminded again and again of hemingway's quote, "the world breaks us all, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places."  while i am not the same, maybe, just maybe, i will survive the brokenness and have a certain strength to show for it. 

grace and peace

  

 

Thursday, November 10, 2011

sequence of events

yesterday was a bust.  i began the day with one goal:  to clean my bathroom.  i quickly and easily took care of sink and toilet and sprayed the all-natural, non-toxic, environmentally-friendly shower and tub cleaner into the bathtub.  i had the french doors open in the dining room and sprayed just enough to do the job but it didn't take long for my already sore throat to cry out in agony and my lungs to fill with, albeit "harmless" substances, a foreign concoction not meant for human consumption.  after a few minutes outside, trying to catch my breath, i had to reach for my prescription inhaler (i don't have asthma but am extremely prone to bronchitis and therefore pneumonia.)  the inhaler helps but leaves me with shaking hands, erratic breathing and heart flutters, much like the hateful panic attacks that have plagued me for a year now.  before long i was outside in the spitting rain, doubled over, wheezing and mad as a hornet in the throws of a full-on panic attack. 

the anger comes from the undeniable fact that anything and everything is now so damn hard.  something simple like running a damp sponge over the tub leads to panic on par with grocery store visits and unexpected loud noises.  i was at times sure i couldn't survive it.  i left the tub untouched for hours until i couldn't take it anymore and went in to clean it quickly with a dish towel wrapped around my nose and mouth like an old west train robber.  i then waited at least another hour before i felt like it was safe to shower-at about 3 p.m.  i was up at 6 a.m.-a 9 hour day revolving solely around taking a shower. 

today i've begun the food watch.  i ate the last bowl of cereal with the last 1/2 cup of milk for breakfast this morning.  there was nothing here for lunch-NOTHING.  i will cook some pasta for dinner but i couldn't make myself do that midday.  i opted for going out to grab something at a drive-thru.  not easy for a vegetarian.  i went to starbucks (surprise, surprise!) but i needed coffee and they have a veggie "breakfast sandwich" that i can eat.)  that was lunch.  i will have to work on a grocery store visit in the next day or two but there's no way that i could manage it today. 

i'm angry today too.  it's too cool to be outside though the sunshine is deceiving.  i keep attempting to sit out and read but i only manage to make myself more upset.  fall is here and the sunshine is not enough to keep me warm on a day when the high is in the mid-50s and the wind refuses to die down.  i'm truly in a funk.

grace and peace 

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

i kinda hate to admit it but...

i'm angry today, very angry.  i have begun to feel extremely angry at the new residents in the neighborhood; those who did not live through the flood.  yes, they have bought homes in a flood zone, but they have new, updated, completed homes with no traumatic memories and no clue what the rest of us are still going through.  those of us recovering are living in the past and can see through our jaded, bloodshot eyes the world move on around us while we remain static.  it's as if our new neighbors are surrounded by force fields of seeming ease and comfort while we wrestle with ongoing construction, endless paperwork and the constant nervousness we feel in our own houses. 

tonight after i walked winston in my pajamas (with post-nap-not really a nap since i didn't sleep-don king hair) i stood talking to my next door neighbor for a few minutes.  we talked about the state of our houses, the foreclosure of the family across the street and the general anxiety of us all as we attempt to adjust to being people we don't want to be.  

the increased sleep i got last week as the result of my new medication has given way to restless, uncomfortable attempts this week.  my anxiety is up and my anger is off the charts.  it's supposed to rain tomorrow and i will try to "catch up" on sleep and get in to my new book (i made myself go out and pick up stephen king's new one today:  "11/22/63".)  i was out of the house not more than 75 minutes but it was exhausting and terrifying.  the bookstore (yes, my friends, we still have actual bookstores for the time being!) could have been on fire and stephen king himself could have checked me out and i wouldn't have noticed.  i have to get crazy "into the zone" before i can go anywhere by myself, so much so that i am unable to interact or remember any of it afterward.  

i do want to congratulate my best friend today for being cast as "kate" (the lead!) in shakespeare's "the taming of the shrew."  and congrats also to another dear friend for having her blog the learning hypothesis featured by a like-minded blogger and parent seeking to educate their kids (and all of us) through a hands-on, interactive, challenging curriculum.  i'm so proud of you both!

grace and peace (of which i am in particular need) 

Sunday, November 6, 2011

"dead leaves and the dirty ground"

"i didn't feel so bad till the sun went down"  jack white

today is my least favorite day of the year--the day daylight savings time ends.  all it means to me is that i have a 25 hour day to dread the impending winter as opposed to a regular 24 hour day.  i do not get an extra hour of sleep; i suffer a palpable claustrophobia as the darkness begins to fall before the 5:00 hour. 

those of us with SAD (seasonal affective disorder) mourn the loss of evening sunlight like an old friend.  this year i'm particularly struck by something in my flood-ravaged neighborhood that i didn't notice last year:  the lack of fall colors.  our trees are damaged to the extent that the leaves don't do much but turn brown and fall.  no more are there brilliant reds, oranges and yellows to enjoy.  this picture of a bush in my back yard is a good example: 


 
the dull and dead part comes almost to my shoulders while the top of the bush offers a little bright red at eye-level.  18 months after the flood it seems an apt metaphor for the parts of my life that were lost and the parts that are struggling to survive while there is only a small part that remains untouched.  i don't know if the bush will recover, i don't know if it will ever be as glorious as it once was but i find some small encouragement that it hasn't given up.  

grace and peace    

Thursday, November 3, 2011

tooth fairy, you are not welcome here!

i am starting to feel an off-the-charts level of guilt about not writing.  this blog is all that gets written these days.  while that's good, i cannot remember the last time i sat down to bang out a page or two on my latest story.  i continue to do the things i rely on for inspiration:  read stephen king novels, watch woody allen movies, listen to the who, but i cannot get to the place that allows me to produce anything.  my attention span shrinks daily and my motivation is along for the ride.  it's not writer's block, per se; i know what comes next...i just can't get it out.

i don't feel well today (starting to think this may be mono.)  just what i need, right?  cold, rainy and miserable outside and i cannot get warm no matter what i do.  my mood always corresponds closely to the weather and it is foul today!  the sun should be out tomorrow.  

tomorrow...one of two dominant reasons for my anxiety today.  i start EMDR therapy tomorrow for my PTSD.  i'm scared.  EMDR stands for "eye movement desensitization reprocessing."  from what i gather it uses eye movement to connect the right and left hemispheres of the brain to allow the patient (in this case, ME!) to attach feelings and emotions, heretofore unexperienced, to the events surrounding the trauma, in my case, the flood.   PTSD is the brains way of protecting the trauma victim from the event but it leaves the person stuck in the "fight or flight" pattern and does not allow them to experience, process and mourn the event and its many consequences.  

i think the long and the short of it is that i have intellectualized the losses, the events and the memories to the extent that, while i acknowledge their severity, i have avoided what it all "felt" like.  without feeling it all i will continue to be an outsider to my own experience and remain numb.  that's not really working for me.  it keeps me anxious and exhausted.

the second reason for my anxiety today is less clinical and more comical:  i am terrified of losing my teeth.  this thought has lingered for months and has reemerged as the #1 ridiculous fear brought on by the book i am reading.  i admit that there are many ways in which i would benifit if i listened more closely to my best friend.  she always has my back.  she told me years ago not to read stephen king's "the tommyknockers."  her reasons don't matter and my failure to listen doesn't really matter.  what matters is that i had listened i wouldn't be 500 pages into a 750 page novel in which nearly everyone has lost their teeth.  dozens upon dozens of passages concerning teeth and the losing thereof.  i won't stop reading for several reasons:  i'm 2/3 of the way through, it's one of the few king novels i haven't read, i hold out hope it will eventually inspire the above-mentioned need to write.  BUT people keep losing their teeth and it's freaking me out!!  

y'all know that this obsession with my teeth grew worse when my pug, winston, lost a tooth a while back...and now this novel!  i just can't imagine that i will get through all this without some freak tooth-related incident. 

grace and peace      

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

naptime

i have chronicled my lack of sleep for several weeks now.  yesterday morning my exhaustion reached comedic proportions as i got in the shower with my socks on.  it was upwards of a full minute before i even noticed.  i was able to drive to my doctor's appointment though i don't remember the trip.  the good news was that i was approved for the prescription assistance program that will allow me to get the ridiculously expensive sleeping pill that was impossible for me to afford with no insurance.  even with insurance it is hundreds of dollars a month. 

i don't know what people do that don't have the resources, education, will and abilities that i do.  i can see how it easy it would be to give up and go without.  while i am depleted and overwhelmed i am still able to fill out the paperwork, set up chaperones for trips to the store, read articles and books on PTSD and anxiety disorders, call and arrange for trauma counselling, etc.  knowing that there are so many people out there who wouldn't be able to accomplish these seemingly basic tasks in the best of times, let alone during and after a trauma, is heartbreaking.  

i started out a bleeding-heart liberal and have only had those convictions reinforced in the last 18 months.  in that time i have had to file for and accept unemployment, stand in line at churches for food, clothing and supplies in the aftermath of losing everything in the flood, take money from friends, family, my church, other churches and even strangers.  i am a smart, college-educated, middle-class person who saw for the first time what it is really like to be "in need."  it changes you.  it changed me. 

i've been sleeping most of the day, as a result of my utter exhaustion or the sleeping pill i haven't a clue.  it doesn't matter to me as long as i can get a little sleep.  after a nap (i hope) i need to force myself to clean up a little before the health department makes a visit to this pigsty.

grace and peace

Sunday, October 30, 2011

28 hours

this week i have become fixated on the number of hours i'm sleeping (or not sleeping.)  since last sunday i've slept 28 hours.  granted an average of 4 hours a night is not abnormal for me but my obsession with it is new.  i cannot get it out of my anxious mind.  when i think about the 8 hours of recommended sleep, 56 hours a week, and realize that i've gotten 1/2 that i feel panicky.  i think that if i were only getting 1/2 the recommended meals per week, or 10.5 meals instead of 21, that i would be concerned for my welfare.  i've had some lost time this week and i know it's because i'm sleep- deprived.  i'm also still sick and know it's for the same reason.

i go back to the doctor tomorrow and am fearful that i will once again be on the medication merry-go-round.  i have no energy at all, the house is a nightmare, i have a serious headache (at least we have food because i would not feel safe driving.)  the plan for today is rest (if not sleep), charlie chaplin movies and a stephen king novel (if my headache lets up enough to allow me to read.)

my brother took my niece and nephew to a hockey game last night so i will have to work up the energy to talk to them about it and hear all their halloween preparations.  i wonder what i'm going to do to avoid halloween festivities tomorrow?  i usually go to a movie but my anxiety doesn't allow that these days.

grace and peace

Friday, October 28, 2011

take me out to the ballgame

i'll post a real update (such as it is) tomorrow but just a quick word to share my disappointment in the texas rangers world series loss tonight.  i'm not a big baseball fan, just a sports fan in general.  i always watch the world series and since i used to live in dallas i've been pulling for the rangers in a big way for the past few weeks.  last night almost killed me!  so close!  one strike away 2 different times and they lost!!  tonight wasn't even competitive after the first inning.  i'm disappointed for them.  i'd hoped they would join the mavericks as world champs this year!

grace and peace

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

maybe i can get a job as a night watchman

i cannot for the life of me understand this anxiety.  i keep thinking that i will have an epiphany that will make it clearer or that it will melt away, seemingly as fast as it began, and leave me with the hazy feeling of worthwhile pain, much like childbirth (they tell me.)  but here i sit in the middle of it with no memory of life before and no ability to see life after. 

in much the same way i feel that deja vu should dissipate upon identifying it, though it always hangs around one or two seconds too long for my liking, i feel that this anxiety should have lessened its hold on me once i named it.  it didn't.  it hasn't.  and today i fear that it never will. 

i have felt its ugly presence in everything today:  what to eat, when to eat, what sheets to put on the bed, what route to take while walking winston, what to read, what NOT to read, why this cold (or whatever) still hangs on, where to go to watch the baseball game tomorrow or should i just stay home?!? 

days like this exhaust me and reduce me to raw nerves and frayed thoughts.  though i am still sick i know that's not why i hurt all over, my very skin is tender to the touch.  i'm crying tired (sans tears and sleep.)  if i sleep at all these days it's a stolen hour or two in the middle of the day.  nights are spent tossing and turning, listening to the dog and cat snore.  little show-offs!

grace and peace (i guess) 


Sunday, October 23, 2011

insomnia, i hate you!

"men tire themselves in the pursuit of sleep." laurence sterne

last night i spent the 5 hours i normally fight for sleep fighting for relief from my anxiety.  i slept from 2-3 and awoke in the throws of a severe panic attack.  i don't know what brought it about but i do know it was exasperated by my growing suspicion that the ticking mechanism in my bedside clock is getting exponentially louder.  i have long suspected this but i believe after last night that i have proof.

i have been an insomniac my whole life and there are several things that i've learned along the way, some of them are:
1. limit caffeine consumption,
2. use the bed for sleep and sex only,
3. do not have a digital clock in the room,
4. go to bed and get up at the same time every day,
5. do not watch tv in bed,
6. get out of bed, go to another room and do something if sleep won't come.

1, 3 & 5 are easy, 2, 4 & 6 not so much.  i don't have a digital clock in the house save for on the kitchen appliances, certainly not visible from my room, and i drink one cup of caffeinated coffee a day.  i will not even pretend to know how to go to bed at the same time every night though i am almost always up around 5:30.  i have also never been able to resist reading in bed. i have a small tv that is hooked up to a DVD player, but not to cable or satellite, and i very rarely turn it on.  i can never make myself get out of bed when i face even a full night of wakefulness because i continue to believe that i will fall asleep...right now, no...right now...!

when i woke up anxious i began the list-making (things left to do on the house, # of clocks I can hear ticking, # of bills that can be paid with my remaining funds) and the worrying (what if i do go crazy, what if the roaring i hear in my head - like the sound of the ocean in a seashell - is more than a symptom of this 2 week old congestion, why does my new neighbor insist on parking on the street instead of in the driveway and why does it bother me so much?)  btw, "bother" doesn't begin to describe how i feel about this injustice. other more appropriate words are: "anger," "infuriate" and "homicidal."

after laying awake until daybreak i finally got up and moved to the living room and watched a couple of episodes of "psych" on netflix before i sent my brother a text warning him of my impending visit to his house for a day of sports.  3 games, 3 different sports (college football, baseball, hockey) and 3 loses!  it was awful, but the company was good, my parents were both there as well as my sweet, funny, gorgeous and brilliant niece and nephew.  my 11 year old niece is thrilled at the fact that she is being written about right now.

i've just been home a short while and am going to post this and try my hand at getting some sleep tonight.  it is, after all, after 2:00 a.m.


grace and peace

Thursday, October 20, 2011

much ado about tom

"you know you've read a good book when you turn the last page and feel a little as if you have lost a friend."  paul sweeney

"books!  i dunno if i ever told you this, but books are the greatest gift one person can give another."  bono

a symptom of PTSD is numbness; the feeling that emotions have been turned off.  i remain shocked at the level to which i have protected myself in this way.  i am still concerned with my inability to cry.  i've not been crying today but i have certainly felt sad.  what's surprising to me is that this sadness is unrelated to the flood and/or my anxiety but because i am in mourning over a book.  that's right, a book.

i read the fifth and final "ripley" book this week-"ripley under water" by patricia highsmith.  the first book, "the talented mr. ripley," was a birthday gift a few years ago from a dear friend, fellow bibliophile and flood victim (bono would approve!)  while acknowledging tom ripley as a complete and utter psychopath; we love him.  we love his french home, his espresso drinking, his gardening, his harpsichord.  

i had the same sense of loss upon finishing the 7 "harry potter" novels and the 7 "dark tower" novels by stephen king.  yes, the two latter series i've read more than once, as i'm sure i will the "ripley" novels, but there is nothing like reading a book the first time.  i experience the same feeling of loss at the end of the hockey season!       

what has sent me spinning today is that i feel more "emotional" over this book than i feel over the loss of nearly all my belongings.  knowing that only makes me feel as if i should feel more.  yet i don't feel anything at all.  i'm disconnected.  i suppose it's easier to be morose over a fictional character than to give in to the real-life things i need to mourn.  i know it's a way of avoiding the inevitable.  and that the avoiding cannot go on forever.

grace and peace and books  

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

83...77...50...

no, this is not a math problem where i'm looking for the next number in the sequence; these are the high temperatures for the last 3 days in nashville.  as a person who thinks that the temperature should never be below 60 (for a low) i hate days/weeks like this.  if i weren't already sick to begin with i certainly would be now! 

50 degree days conjure up winter and all that i despise about it:  cold, pervasive darkness (the sun never shines here novemeber-february), snow (or rather frigid rain in this part of the country), cold, the holidays, months on end of mushy, soggy ground, the continuous fight to get winston to venture outside and the nerve-racking mewling from meave as she adjusts to only minutes outside (she would like to spend one out of every 10 outside expecting me to let her in/out at least 12 times every hour), cold, coats, gloves (i actually enjoy wearing scarves), etc...

i'm in a foul mood over it and am feeling very anxious.  i suppose i feel somewhat grateful that i am both unemployed and sick, therefore in no need to get out, as rain is coming and that will only make me worse.  i keep reminding myself that it will be in the 70s again by weeks end though that does little to comfort me today. 

happy 40th birthday to my big brother today!  i love you!

grace and peace

Sunday, October 16, 2011

5 days and counting

starting to feel like i might live through this sinus infection.  after five days, 2 boxes of kleenex, a whole bottle of theraflu and dozens upon dozens of halls cough drops, i feel a little more lively today.  granted all i've done is nap and read.  i churched at home for the second week in a row.  last week i blamed a sore throat but it was mostly that the lesson was to coincide with the chapter on "growing through grief and loss"  in the current book we are reading.  i didn't feel like i could make it through that while physically present.  i have the best church family in the world and would have been comforted by those around me if i had "lost it" during service.  while i wouldn't have been embarrassed to cry, i was genuinely fearful that if the tears did come they would never stop.  i read the chapter, did the lesson in the workbook and watched the service on-line (then met a friend for a walk in the park.)

today i stayed home so as not to offend with menthol seeping out of my pores and used kleenex peeking out of every pocket.  this lesson wasn't as emotionally taxing for me, basically  slowing down and "being quiet before God" in this over-scheduled world of ours.  for those of you who know me, you know this is not something i struggle with.  i can sit in silence without something to do for hours, days, weeks at a time and be fine.  i was blown away by a statistic in the book stating that the average person is only comfortable with silence for 15 seconds.  that's unbelievable to me!  all of that is not to say that i don't need to work on filling my time with feeling the presence of God.  i read a lot of books, write a good deal, listen to a lot of music and stare at the walls an awful lot and i need to spend more time with Him.

the only day i've been out this week was tuesday.  i spent the day with my brother and his kids who were on fall break (i almost typed "spring break" because my internal calendar is off after all this time of not working - there is no way i can fathom it being october of 2011!)  the kids biked while my brother and i walked the 4 1/2 mile trail.  my allergies really kicked in the next day and here i am with another week gone and little to no memory of it.  (much like the last year and a half.)  i have spent a good deal of time dreaming of the bike i would like to buy so i can ride with the kids some.  my brother and i enjoyed walking and talking behind the kids as they rode but we also both longed to be riding!

grace and peace


Thursday, October 13, 2011

under the weather

i guess i have a sinus infection--though it could just be a cold.  anyway, i feel awful and am sleeping the week away, which is good for an insomniac no matter that the sleep is drug and fever induced.   trying to avoid the bronchitis that i get all too easily. 

my anxiety is ever-present, yet not as severe, since i am not at all intent on leaving this house (even though i am using kleenex for toilet paper and dishwashing soap for laundry detergent.)  

not much to share but, as always, thanks for reading.

grace and peace  

Monday, October 10, 2011

monday all day long

i had another run-in today at a local metro agency regarding the remaining funds in my account for post-flood home repair.  i got there with yet another lowe's receipt for the new front door and screen door.  along with last weeks receipt for the closet doors i was $7 short of the needed receipts for distribution of the next check.  listen, i nearly lost it.  it was hard enough to suffer the lowe's visit, panic attack included, fill out all the paperwork, drive across town and make it inside this place without being told i was $7 short!  it got worked out when i finally got someone to tell me that they would cover the sales tax (almost 10% here) and that i would be able to draw a check this week.  after all this time it's still so hard to get anything done.  i understand that there have to be some guidelines and they can't be handing out money without verification but it shouldn't be as hard as they make it.  we flood victims been through enough without having to fight for all that we've been promised.  i didn't throw a fit or anything (like i did last week - i was half afraid that i would get there today to see a photo of me posted in a big red circle with a line drawn through my scowling face!)

if that weren't bad enough i had to force myself to go to trader joe's for yogurt.  i've been without it for more than a week and i'm in serious withdrawal.  i didn't even make it inside before my nerves were tested.  i parked  in a row with 2 other cars just like mine, it looked like this:  red nissan, white lexus, *my* red nissan, silver volvo, red nissan.  as soon as i got out of the car i was overwhelmed with a fear that one of the other red nissan drivers would take my car by mistake (as if that would or could happen...!) but it was real to me and i nearly turned around and got back in the car.  the promise of yogurt won out.  i made it inside only to head straight to the free coffee samples so i could take the last xanax in my purse and stave off the panic that was heightening by the second.  i got my yogurt and a few bananas and ran out of there!

i felt some relief once i made it out of the green hills lunch-hour traffic.  however, i was to be tried once again by a completely irrational desire to get out of the car at a stop sign and assault another driver for wearing pink, plastic-framed, heart-shaped sunglasses.  had it not been for my singing along to rod stewart's feel-good "maggie may" on the radio i may just have done it.  there were no other cars around and i cannot tell you how strong the compulsion was.  my nerves were so frayed by the morning that i was raring for a fight, i guess.

the saving grace was that, as i flew home at top speed with the windows down and the sun shining high, i heard the clash's genius "lost in the supermarket" and laughed good and hard at myself.  at least there's that...

grace and peace  
     

Thursday, October 6, 2011

three for thursday

1.  today i have severely swollen glands in my neck due to my hideous allergies and sinuses but i have spent all day preparing for a phantom cancer diagnosis;

2.  because the weather is getting cooler i'm spending a lot of time outside and leaving the french doors open almost all day.  good for my tan but bad for the aforementioned allergies and as a result there are so many flies in this house it's like "amityville horror" in here!!!  the bloody mosquitoes (pun intended) are out to get me too; and

3.  because i refuse to cut down the only tree in my front yard i am, yet again, dealing with plumbing problems.  it seems that the roots from said tree have grown into the main line from the house and every so often (way too often) these roots have to be cleaned out by a plumber.  i have no money for this procedure but i also have no clean clothes and no clean dishes as it uses too much water to run the washing machine and/or dishwasher.  i take uncharacteristically short showers and use the water as little as possible since all the drains are now almost 100% clogged.  the plumber will be here tomorrow and i will have to write a check from my pathetically anemic account. 

i remember long ago promising myself that i wouldn't say "it can't get any worse," or "i can't take one more thing," because something else always comes up and i would be reminded that things CAN always get worse.  i never dreamed that i would face a year like i've had or that i would be taking punches even now.  people keep telling me that i will survive this because i'm "stronger than i think" but i'm starting to wonder if maybe it's that i'm so used to "just surviving" that i'm not smart (or equipped) enough to sit down and "feel" or "grieve" or "cope" or any of the things other people do.  i don't know how to do any of that!  i've never known those things and i'm overwhelmed with having to learn them at 37!

grace and peace   
    


Wednesday, October 5, 2011

food for thought

i have several things on my mind today...

1. why did i wake up singing the theme song to "laverne and shirley?"
2. why am i so afraid to go to the grocery store?
3. why can i not talk myself out of this particular fear?

yes, i am afraid to go places alone, but the grocery store seems to be the most frightening of all destinations.  i can force myself to church alone, i can force myself to therapy alone but i cannot buy my own food.  what is that?!  i'm out of everything.  i'm down to maybe 8 ounces of juice and 2 or 3 tablespoons of peanut butter, oh and a box of organic macaroni and cheese (but no milk with which to mix it.)  i can sit here and type this and accept the irrationality of it but i cannot make myself drive to the store and shop.  the fear of what lies in wait is too overwhelming.  i'm so afraid that i will have a panic attack there and not be able to get home.  i don't know why that terrifies me so, i've never had a panic attack in the store.  maybe i'm afraid of being in line when it comes, maybe it's that i will have to leave my stuff behind and run out before i can pay and that it will have all been for naught.  the fear consumes me.
  
winston and i might have to hit up a drive-thru for lunch then i'll have to work on finding a "volunteer" to accompany me to a store soon.  with all the planning and preparing that entails i'm so exhausted by the time i get to a store that i don't have the energy for panic attacks!     

grace and peace