sad and scared

because of my inability to feel and reason like "the old amy" i find myself in quite a bind tonight.  i have arranged a trip tomorrow to adopt a cat from an animal shelter in kentucky.  my maeve has been gone 2 weeks--the ONLY 2 weeks of my life that i haven't had at least one cat--and i'm lonesome and lost catless. 

i feel an extreme amount of guilt over getting a new cat so soon, as if i'm "replacing" maeve without honoring her with my lingering grief.  though if i'm honest, it's more than that, it's that:

1. i can't grieve in any "normal" way (at least what passed as pre-flood "normal");

2. even when and if meave comes home--2 cats are better than one;

3. winston continues to look for meave and it's breaking my heart;

4. there are so many cats out there who need homes;

5. this particular cat is at a kill shelter;

6. she's a year old which significantly reduces her chance of adoption;

7. the adoption fees are affordable; and 

8. i can't stop thinking about her.

(sorry, i'm a list-maker!)

though i have shed many a tear over maeve in the last 2 weeks, i am worried about my insistence on getting a new cat right away.  it feels impulsive and screams of avoidance and desperation.  i'm not sure the right thing to do but i see myself coming home with a new siamese cat tomorrow.  right or wrong, i will love, spoil and not regret her for a minute. 

obviously my anxiety is high today.  i had to go out to the doctor this morning (which i have all but blocked out.)  it was hard in spite of the fact that i was out of the house less than an hour and a half.  the rest of the day has been spent reading, walking winston and watching and listening for maeve to come home.  my life is devoid of routine, exertion and productivity and yet i am exhausted and anxious all the time.  i'm trying to figure out some way to motivate myself to start working out again but so far it is totally an intellectual exercise.  i know that i would feel better but i continue to avoid anything resembling physical fitness.   

grace and peace and cats