live blogging a panic attack

and here it is - panic.  i told myself i would write through it but it's really hard.  my hands are shaking so bad that every other word is misspelled and my tunnel vision prevents me from seeing the whole laptop screen.  i know what's going on:  i have a meeting with a friend of a friend tomorrow about a potential job/project.  i have to meet her at her house.  now, a HUGE part of my anxiety stems from going places alone and going to places i've never been before.  thankfully the house is only a couple of blocks from where i used to live so it's familiar territory but i'm terrified.

 

if this project didn't involve BOOKS i would back out so fast but i have to go.  i wonder if this lady would be shocked if i, as a 40 year old college grad with years of professional experience, showed up with my daddy?  it is the south, we girls love our daddys!  (i already made daddy go grocery shopping with me on friday.  i positively couldn't go alone and it was crucial that i stock the pantry.)

 

my heart hurts and my face and hands are numb!  i hate this!  the way i remember myself from BEFORE is that i wasn't afraid of much:  your garden variety spiders, loud noises and unease in parking garages.  now i'm terrified of running water, standing water, rain, sirens, flashing lights, kroger, passing cars, movie theaters, restaurants, people knocking on my front door, repairmen, mailmen, neighbors, outside - basically the outside world.  it's all so big and scary and risky.  i'm just not comfortable in it anymore.

 

while i dislike this house something fierce i dislike OUT THERE so much more.  breathing is labored and i'm starting to feel the numbness creep up my forearms.  and i have to go to this meeting tomorrow afternoon!!!!  

 

anxiety is not for sissies!

 

grace and peace     

four and counting

here's the only way i know to describe it:

 

4 years ago tonight i feel as if i was diagnosed with a terminal disease that won't kill me.  i feel like i've just been waiting to die.  not constantly fearing my death - i have a great faith and believe in Heaven and believe 100% that i will spend eternity there - it's a waiting.

 

as if my car tires lifted off the ground as i drove through the raging water and, 4 years later, they have yet to touch ground.  so much of me died that day:  who i was, who i thought i was, my belief in my future, my belief in myself, my sense of safety and security, my fearlessness, my self-assuredness, my ease. 

 

now i'm 4 years removed and it feels as if it's all happening RIGHT NOW!  they describe PTSD as the brain "shutting down" to protect itself therefore keeping itself in the HERE and not allowing it to process memories as the PAST.  so here i am.

 

i'm grateful that i have a have a job to go to - that part of the day passed without fanfare.  now i'm home and the tears won't stop, my heart won't stop pounding, i can't stop pacing, i can't eat, i didn't sleep at all last night.  i don't hold out much hope for tonight.  i wish i were a person who could just let anniversaries pass without dwelling on them but i'm not that person.  i feel them.  i REALLY feel them.

 

3 1/2 years of anxiety (the anxiety didn't start until i moved back into the house in october 2010) and i feel like i'm just waiting to die.  waiting.  to.  die. 

 

it's not a good feeling, it's not a normal feeling, it's just what i feel.  i am grateful for a good many things:  it didn't rain today, i have a good job that i love, i came home to my sweet pets, i have the weekend to process and (hopefully) relax.  i have friends who know EXACTLY what i'm going through because it happened to them too, i have a God who is bigger than my anxiety and i didn't die in the flood (some people did!)

 

grace and peace

 

  

anybody willing to pee on my foot?

i'm a bit worried about my anxiety tonight.  about 2 hours ago the bottom of my right heal began to hurt.  feels like it's on fire.  has gotten more intense as time passes.  here's what the last few hours have sounded like in my head:

 

"ouch!  my foot hurts.  i mean it really hurts!  it's burning.  (poke it) ouch!  why is it burning?  it's on fire.  did i step on something?  (no) did I burn it?  (no)  what's happening?  (heart racing)  (walk to the kitchen for ice) ouch...ouch...ouch...

 

"what did I do?  did i step on broken glass?  (there is no broken glass)  ouch!  (remove sock - poke it!)  ouch!  haven't left the house today...it's a snow day...couldn't have stepped on anything...haven't even worn shoes! 

 

"maybe i stepped on a jellyfish - that stings!  (there is no jellyfish)  maybe this is what a jellyfish sting feels like!  amy, you haven't left the house today and you haven't stepped on a jellyfish in the middle of your house in landlocked, hundreds of miles from any ocean, nashville, tennessee!  but...(no buts!) it's stinging!  it's on fire!  OUCH!  what's happening?

 

"calm down, crazy!  (heart pounding)  maybe there is some insulation in my slippers!  no, there hasn't been any insulation in this house since 6 months after the flood.  well, maybe...(no) and, amy, you wore the slippers yesterday!  jellyfish!!!!!!!?????..."

 

see, that's what anxiety sounds like.  i have no idea what's going on with the foot and my pulse is running at about 150 but i've stopped searching the house for broken glass and jellyfish.

 

grace and peace

how is this not crazy?

was told that i needed to write today but i feel like it will make me worse somehow.  anxiety is through the roof.  can't really pinpoint why.  i guess that's the way anxiety works.

 

worried about all kinds of things:  death, kroger, insanity, fire, strangers being in my house when i'm not here, insanity, bankruptcy, did i mention insanity?

 

trying to constantly remind myself that spring is not far off and that with it comes fresh air, brown skin, bike rides, hikes and promise. 

 

spring come quickly!

 

grace and peace

and so it goes

for those of us with PTSD there is a new (30 years old now) therapy called EMDR  (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing).  it is supposed to help the right and left sides of the brain process trauma as a whole. 

 

when trauma happens the left side of the brain - the logical, linear, problem-solving side of the brain shuts down and the right side of the brain stores all the trauma.  the right side of the brain is the sights, sounds, feelings, reactions, memories, etc.  it takes on all the trauma but stores it in a fractious manner.  there is no ability for the PTSD affected brain to convince itself that the trauma happened yesterday, last week, last year or at age 5.  the right brain tells us that the trauma is happening NOW. 

 

EMDR is supposed to help transfer the trauma to the logical and chronological left side of the brain and help my right brain and my memories, my heart, my fight-or-flight-or-freeze response to be put into perspective.

 

i am TERRIFIED of this therapy.  i have to relive each moment of the trauma (in this case the flood - though i have had many traumas in my life) and work on moving it around inside my damaged, tired, scared and scarred brain. 

 

i have documented the losses of the flood for 3 years now.  there have been many more non-flood related losses as well.  a quick list:  a dog, an aunt, a cat, a grandfather, a great-aunt, a grandmother (7 days ago) my other, 96 year old grandmother, is in the hospital with pneumonia. 

 

EMDR can't do what it's supposed to do if the participant (patient - ME) is in the middle of a new lose or recent grief.  today i feel like i will never be at a time and place when there WON'T be a new loss.  i'm so tired of loss and grief and pain and fear.  it's the classic double edged sword or catch-22, whichever you prefer.  

 

RIP Elizabeth Ray Jackson Lowe Willis, my grandmother, who had much more trauma in her 87 years than i in my 39.  i love you!

grace and peace

this is how it really happened

i’ve been asked by several people who read this blog to give an account of the day of the flood.  since today is the 3^rd anniversary i thought i’d try.

i’ll go back a day to saturday, may 1, 2010.  i had just been fired on friday for missing 4 days of work, with a doctor’s note, with bronchitis and pneumonia.  i spent the day on the couch angry and sick.  it rained all day.  HARD.  I-40 east was closed (one route to my aunt and uncles.)

i slept little the night of saturday-sunday.  it rained all night.

i got up before 6 a.m. on sunday morning and knew right away i wouldn’t try to get out for church.  still raining and i felt awful.  power was on and off all day.  i walked the dogs at about 9 a.m. for 10 minutes when the rain let up and talked to some neighbors.  i found that mcgavock was now closed.  there are 2 roads in and out of my neighborhood:  mcgavock and briley.  with mcgavock closed that eliminated my aunt and uncles house to the east and one of the routes south to daddy’s.

the rain continued, i struggled to breathe and thought about where to apply for a job.  outside my backyard fence there is a hill 10-12 feet down that leads to a common area about the size of a football field where our dogs can run without leashes.  in the center of this space there is a slight dip about a foot deep and 30 feet across.  by midday there was water in the hole.  every half hour i went out to look.  it never changed. 

3 p.m. i went out again to walk the dogs (my golden retriever and my pug.)  i learned then that briley parkway was closed, both north and south.  i was officially stuck.  no way out.  daddy lives south, mama west and my brother, north.  no matter – no way out.

no satellite, no power, no way out.

i was getting calls on my cell phone every hour by most family members telling me to leave.  leave?  how?

by 7 p.m. there was no change.  still raining, no power, roads closed, cell phone battery dying, frantic calls.  i, with pneumonia, laid on the couch for lack of anything to do, and slept for 45 minutes.  when i woke i went out back to check and there was water a foot from my fence.  i called my brother and told him i was leaving.  the only thing i could think to do was drive 2 miles to the end of the main road where there is a church on a hill.  almost 2 miles from the river.  oh, i live yards from the river.  the cumberland.  it is just behind the football-size common area behind the house. 

it’s about 8 p.m. now - i grabbed a bag, put in a pair of shorts, a t-shirt, my cell phone, 4 or 5 bibles, my purse and put those in small SUV, a kia sportage.  i got the 2 dog beds, the dog food, the cat food and loaded them, loaded the dogs, went back in one more time for the cat and the one bottle of unopened red wine.  i spoke to a few neighbors and asked where they were going.  everyone was headed to the church.  water was pouring into my street to my right (i’m the 3^rd house on the street.)  it was 2 houses away.  a man in a canoe with a bullhorn was telling us to evacuate:  “you MUST evacuate, it’s a matter of minutes, briley parkway north will be open by the time you get there! EVACUATE!”  water was 4 houses away to my left (now my only way out of the subdivision.  i started the car and drove into the water.  3/10 of a mile from home i turned right 4/10s of a mile from the main road.

50 feet after my turn, i was following a larger SUV, i felt my tires lift off the road and i floated.  and i thought, “this is it, we’re all 4 going to die…right now.”  there is a large pond to my right a good 12-15 below the road but water was well over the tires of the ford expedition in front of me.  i knew we would drown.  if the car in front of me were a sedan, or if i were in a sedan, i don’t think i would have made it.

when i finally got to the main road i felt the tires grip the wet road.  2 miles away i got to briley and headed north.  i was headed to the river.  a half mile from the briley exit my car died.  it was a manual 5-speed and i kept it going another ½ mile.  now my car is dead, my house is under water, i’m a mile from the rapidly rising river.  it’s still raining. 

i couldn’t get through to my brother but i finally got daddy.  he called my brother to pick me up.  he was the only one that lived north and could get to me.  he was 40 miles away.  i was ready to die.  i was afraid that i wouldn’t be able to get out of the car when he came to get me.  i was afraid that we would all be dead.  i though about letting the animals out so they could find higher ground but i couldn’t move.  i just set with my phone in my hand and told the dogs and cat that we would be okay – never believing it.

an hour later he got there and i managed to transfer my few possessions to his car and make it to his house.  when i got there i realized i had no litter box, no toothbrush, no underwear, no corkscrew.  somehow i had the presence of mind to drive to wal-mart a few minutes before midnight and buy a few things.  i didn’t sleep at all and the next morning i saw my house on the news as a man in a boat took home video.  only boats could get in because the river was 5 days away from cresting.

this is what may 2 means to me.

(the red point on the map is pretty close to where my house is.  it’s just a little closer to the river.  this is no way across the river but to drive the 2 miles south to the nearest entrance to briley almost between the country club and park.)

grace and peace and prayers for today

 

 

 

 

cliches

"the only thing we have to fear is...fear itself"  FDR

"it is not death or pain that is to be dreaded, but the fear of pain or death."  ralph waldo emerson

 

it happened yesterday...the dreaded knock at the door.  i hid!

okay, i'm that 1%.  i always have been but since this anxiety took over my life i have lived in utter terror of someone knocking on my door:  being taken by surprise is the fear, i guess.  well, i panicked...but i didn't die.  i was sure i would.  i guess that should be enough to disprove my hypothesis that a knock will bring on a fatal heart attack but today i have tensed at the sound of every car door closing for fear that it's the precursor to the KNOCK.

today i went out (ear packed with an excess of cotton) to walk winston and as i got 2 or 3 paces into the driveway i was approached by a woman i had never seen asking if i had found my missing cat.  it seems her cat has also disappeared.  she admitted to being the big, scary knocker of my door yesterday.  i can't describe both the relief and anger i felt at that moment.  relief that i knew who it was--anger that she could be so callous...(notice the lack of anger at myself that i allowed something so harmless to terrify me and that i was imagining myself beating her to a pulp!)...it was no surprise that she was NOT a flood victim. 

i've not written in a few days because i've been plagued by the worst ear infection of my life.  the only good thing i can say about it is that my anxiety has taken a back burner to the pain.  it's the first time in more than a year that i've had anything on my mind more than my own fears and anxieties.  this week it's been "my ear hurts!, my ear HURTS!, MY EAR HURTS!"  that's it (at least until cat lady knocked.)  i miss my maeve.  i hope both kitties come home!

just a short diatribe about politics, though i don't think health care should be political, i've been thinking a lot this week about the uninsured in this country:  the poor, the unemployed (in my case), the self-employed, the homeless, the unfortunate who for whatever reason can't afford health insurance.  i've suffered with a simple earache but cannot seem to make a dent in the infection without an antibiotic and can't afford either the drug or the doctor's visit it would require to get it.  (my doctor is another thing i lost the week of the flood--he moved his practice out of state--so i don't even have the ability to have him call me in anything and beg, borrow or steal to pay for it!)  i wonder what happens to people who get really sick? 

grace and peace

be still my beating heart

so much of my anxiety is a fear of the unexpected:  a knock at the door, my iphone signalling a text message received, winston barking at a noise only audible to dogs or superheroes.  tonight i was 20 minutes into a movie when i heard the deafening sound of sirens approaching the house.  in the time it took to disengage myself from the pug and the snuggie (no small feat on either front) there were 2 fire engines, 2 police cars and an ambulance parked just across the street. 

the panic was immediate:  my heart started to race, my hands to sweat and shake, lips to tingle and legs to stand unmoved from my front window.  i have never been one of those people who slows down to stare at car accidents on the other side of the highway.  i am not by nature nosy or even inquisitive about other people.  but i stood in that window peaking out like like my very life depended on it.  in fact, that's exactly how it felt.

on the night of the flood i stood in that window while on the phone with my brother saying, "i'm on my way out.  there is a man in a canoe on my street!"  fire trucks had already blocked one of the two entrances to the subdivision closest to me (and closest to the river of course) so there was only one way out. i left here not knowing where to go; the last we had heard all the roads were closed and we were stuck.  seeing those lights again tonight triggered that fear that is always just under the surface waiting to erupt. 

i am concerned for my neighbor who was eventually taken to the hospital in the ambulance.  i don't know her but i do know her husband.  i hope she is well.  but i will admit that the fact that it seemed to be a minor medical issue as opposed to a crime or a fire or something eased my mind more that it should have.

i watched the rest of the movie while fighting off a full-blown panic attack.  now, 2 hours later, i am still trying to calm myself down.  my heart hurts.  i know that tomorrow i won't even remember the name of the movie i watched but i fear i will always remember the fear those sirens bring on.

the chances of me being able to read are slim so i may try to put on a comedy, one that i know by heart, "the breakfast club" or "clue" or something and try to lose myself in the familiar jokes and dialogue.  my heart could some soothing.

grace and peace

 

water torture

after a really nice hike and lunch with a friend today i spent the afternoon in my latest time-wasting effort:  on-line scrabble.  i read some, watched a movie and read some more.

only once on my hike, while crossing a bridge, did the sound of the water racing below make me nervous but tonight i am very anxious about the wind and rain.  i have no idea what kind of storms are expected, and don't care that much, but i got nervous enough that i decided to retire to my bedroom where the rain hitting the skylight in the living room can't be heard as loudly.

problem # 2:  i got my book and cat and dog and moved us one and all when out my bedroom window i saw blue flashing lights (not at all a normal occurrence in my neighborhood) either next door or 2 houses down.  2 of my neighbors that i actually know!  sheer panic!  it was pouring down rain, i was in my pjs, after midnight; i wasn't about to go outside.  but i started to imagine that i had heard loud and suspicious noises (gunshots, car accidents, etc.) when i'm sure i'd heard nothing of the sort.

now i'm back in the living room and i can't tell if the sounds i'm hearing are thunderclaps, howling winds or distortions of my imagination.  the flashes of light are questionable too, "was that lightning or an ambulance?  red or blue or white?!"  i no longer trust my own eyes and ears.  this is one of those times that it would be nice to actually have a guest room like i had pre-flood instead of the storage/exercise/construction-site room i now have.  perhaps i'd be asleep by now...

grace and peace and calm  

reality invades

today fear and anxiety have completely taken over.  panic over my financial situation, not to mention my mental state, has set in hard.  there's nothing new to report re: options concerning the house, etc.  it's just that now with every thing i do and/or use:  the food i consume, the soap i use to wash my hands, changing the cat litter, the electricity used to turn on this computer, a light, my ipod i am reminded that i have no means to replace what is being used.  therefore i eat, shower, live in a constant state of anxiety and feel guilty and scared with every breath i take. 

i feel utterly helpless and alone. i am in shock at being here.  being homeless once was hard enough i can't imagine being able to survive being homeless twice inside of 2 years.  it has become increasing clear that should i lose this house i have nowhere to go. 

the once elusive tears have flowed freely today.  so freely in fact that my face is chapped from walking winston with leaky eyes and nose.  i don't remember the last time i left to house to do more than walk the dog.  i am terrified of using all the gas in the car.  i have several things "planned" for this week:  a family birthday, lunch with a friend, a visit with my little brother who is in town, therapy on friday, but right now none of that seems possible.

maybe sleep would help, maybe some real food would help, maybe posting this will help.  i don't know.  i do know that prayers will help so please keep them coming.

grace and peace  

for want of a rainbow

family drama, money woes, panic attacks, a death in the family, muscle aches, holiday stress, low-grade fever AND i'm out of bananas!!  i'm so overwhelmed i can't imagine ever feeling any different.  i certainly can't imagine ever feeling better. 

i am a loner by nature (and nurture too, i suppose) but there are days like today when i wish i had a husband.  or at least someone who could fight some of these fights, fill out some of this paperwork, do some of the decision making and planning on my behalf.  i'm so tired of having to do it all.  i'm not sure i'll ever find the motivation to get the house finished and i don't care anymore.

my exhaustion and apathy are bone-deep.  i have nothing left to give.  maybe one day the fear and pain i feel will lessen but i know that some of the changes in me are permanent.  the old me and the new me are in an epic battle for my peace of mind (sanity, if you will) and i'm not in tune with either of them enough to know who to root for.  

it's warm here, but rainy.  the animals and i have hunkered down.  i still maintain that winter hibernation is the way to go.  i don't remember the last time i saw the sun.   should i be listening to neil young?  i don't know...the good part of my day was a much-needed phone call from my best friend.  i think i may have even laughed once.  i love you even though you hate neil young!

grace and peace   

three for thursday

1.  today i have severely swollen glands in my neck due to my hideous allergies and sinuses but i have spent all day preparing for a phantom cancer diagnosis;

2.  because the weather is getting cooler i'm spending a lot of time outside and leaving the french doors open almost all day.  good for my tan but bad for the aforementioned allergies and as a result there are so many flies in this house it's like "amityville horror" in here!!!  the bloody mosquitoes (pun intended) are out to get me too; and

3.  because i refuse to cut down the only tree in my front yard i am, yet again, dealing with plumbing problems.  it seems that the roots from said tree have grown into the main line from the house and every so often (way too often) these roots have to be cleaned out by a plumber.  i have no money for this procedure but i also have no clean clothes and no clean dishes as it uses too much water to run the washing machine and/or dishwasher.  i take uncharacteristically short showers and use the water as little as possible since all the drains are now almost 100% clogged.  the plumber will be here tomorrow and i will have to write a check from my pathetically anemic account. 

i remember long ago promising myself that i wouldn't say "it can't get any worse," or "i can't take one more thing," because something else always comes up and i would be reminded that things CAN always get worse.  i never dreamed that i would face a year like i've had or that i would be taking punches even now.  people keep telling me that i will survive this because i'm "stronger than i think" but i'm starting to wonder if maybe it's that i'm so used to "just surviving" that i'm not smart (or equipped) enough to sit down and "feel" or "grieve" or "cope" or any of the things other people do.  i don't know how to do any of that!  i've never known those things and i'm overwhelmed with having to learn them at 37!

grace and peace   

    



food for thought

i have several things on my mind today...

1. why did i wake up singing the theme song to "laverne and shirley?"

2. why am i so afraid to go to the grocery store?

3. why can i not talk myself out of this particular fear?

yes, i am afraid to go places alone, but the grocery store seems to be the most frightening of all destinations.  i can force myself to church alone, i can force myself to therapy alone but i cannot buy my own food.  what is that?!  i'm out of everything.  i'm down to maybe 8 ounces of juice and 2 or 3 tablespoons of peanut butter, oh and a box of organic macaroni and cheese (but no milk with which to mix it.)  i can sit here and type this and accept the irrationality of it but i cannot make myself drive to the store and shop.  the fear of what lies in wait is too overwhelming.  i'm so afraid that i will have a panic attack there and not be able to get home.  i don't know why that terrifies me so, i've never had a panic attack in the store.  maybe i'm afraid of being in line when it comes, maybe it's that i will have to leave my stuff behind and run out before i can pay and that it will have all been for naught.  the fear consumes me.

  

winston and i might have to hit up a drive-thru for lunch then i'll have to work on finding a "volunteer" to accompany me to a store soon.  with all the planning and preparing that entails i'm so exhausted by the time i get to a store that i don't have the energy for panic attacks!     

grace and peace



be careful what you wish for

remember the other day when i said, "i wish that i could cry?"  well, i've been crying all afternoon and i don't feel one iota better so cancel that!

i just have a raw face, a snotty nose, a dry mouth, a headache and a sore throat.  not to mention i'm now down a whole box of kleenex.  as you know by now it's stressful to run out of things around here because i am never sure when i will be able to make it out to replace such things (or where the money will come from for that matter.)

i'm going to turn the lights out and make myself watch a movie. 

grace and peace (yeah, right!)

where i am today

"fear can be headier than whiskey, once man has acquired a taste for it."  donald dowes

i have, for the last 9 or 10 months at least, been operating under the assumption that i am painfully yet seamlessly working my weary way through the 5 stages of grief:  denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.  with the help of my wonderful trauma therapist i have come to the only logical conclusion, which is:  that i haven't even begun these treacherous steps!  i remain precariously perched on the cliff of fear and anxiety and wholly in the grip of the fight to survive.  though the flood and the "actual" danger have long since passed, i am stuck.  STUCK! 

i have been concerned for some time that i haven't cried a lot since the flood or really even been angry; overwhelmed but bordering on numb.  i've said more times than i can count that i feel as if i'm living the world's longest may 2nd.  the last 16 months are one long blur, shot through with fear and anxiety.  none of which further the "grieving" process.

perhaps i can claim, in some small way, that all of this is "denial" and that i will soon be enveloped in the exhausting ecstasy that is "anger."  i hope so.  i hope for things to be better than this.  i hope for a time when the "real amy" will stare back at me in the mirror.  

may you, may i, may we all, feel His

grace and peace