and here it is - panic. i told myself i would write through it but it's really hard. my hands are shaking so bad that every other word is misspelled and my tunnel vision prevents me from seeing the whole laptop screen. i know what's going on: i have a meeting with a friend of a friend tomorrow about a potential job/project. i have to meet her at her house. now, a HUGE part of my anxiety stems from going places alone and going to places i've never been before. thankfully the house is only a couple of blocks from where i used to live so it's familiar territory but i'm terrified.
if this project didn't involve BOOKS i would back out so fast but i have to go. i wonder if this lady would be shocked if i, as a 40 year old college grad with years of professional experience, showed up with my daddy? it is the south, we girls love our daddys! (i already made daddy go grocery shopping with me on friday. i positively couldn't go alone and it was crucial that i stock the pantry.)
my heart hurts and my face and hands are numb! i hate this! the way i remember myself from BEFORE is that i wasn't afraid of much: your garden variety spiders, loud noises and unease in parking garages. now i'm terrified of running water, standing water, rain, sirens, flashing lights, kroger, passing cars, movie theaters, restaurants, people knocking on my front door, repairmen, mailmen, neighbors, outside - basically the outside world. it's all so big and scary and risky. i'm just not comfortable in it anymore.
while i dislike this house something fierce i dislike OUT THERE so much more. breathing is labored and i'm starting to feel the numbness creep up my forearms. and i have to go to this meeting tomorrow afternoon!!!!
anxiety is not for sissies!
grace and peace
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