laughter is the best medicine

"dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which i guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis."  deep thoughts by jack handey

i spent today at my brother's house with the family.  i laughed hard, more than once, at my hilarious niece and nephew.  those kids are too funny.  they are quirky and smart, sarcastic and lovely.  they love me no matter what; no matter how misanthropic and introverted i can be.  i laugh so rarely now that it's a shock to my system.  it feels unnatural even as it's happening.  what a shame!  i hope that one day laughter will be a normal part of my life again and not just an anomaly.  

we watched hours of french open tennis until we turned it to stanley cup hockey.  i learned of many things that i've missed out on because of my lack of TV:  a new 'batman,' a new 'men in black,' a new 'spiderman?'  i had no idea.  just another reminder of how disconnected i am from the world around me.  

my niece made it clear that she would not be spending any time with me over the summer.  her reasoning:  no TV, no meat (i'm a vegetarian) and no sweets.  not for her, she said; i'm boring and weird.  she can't imagine how hard these last 2 years have been and the toll that they've taken.  i hope she never knows.

in the house full of activity, talk, TV, laughing, singing, yelling and fighting i, at times, felt very nervous and overwhelmed.  i don't realize the level of quiet to which i have become accustomed.  i wouldn't trade these days with them for anything though.  when i have a job and am able to see them less i will ache for these days of their childhood spent basking in the light and ease of summer.

this one's for you mackenzie and ben.  i love you!

grace and peace        



memorials

i spent the day with the family - the visit that almost didn't happen.  the headache that i woke up with on friday hung on for days...and days.  finally able to get out today but i came home tired and jumpy.  i once again discovered, almost too late, that i have a dreaded doctor's appointment tomorrow...the nurse practitioner that prescribes my medications.  it takes no more than 15 minutes and involves no more than a dozen questions...the same questions that have been asked of me for the last year and that i have never failed to answer in the same uninspired, anxious tone.

Q:  "how are you feeling right now?" 

A:  "anxious."

Q:  "how is your sleep?" 

A:  "not good."

Q:  "how's the job search?" 

A:  "worse."

Q:  "how's the appetite?" 

A:  "elevated, i'm starving right now!  look at me i'm a house!"

Q:  "these medications all cause weight gain." 

A:  "no kidding!"

i've been resisting picking up the phone and leaving a message that i need to reschedule.  i see them for free so it's not like they would be losing any money if i don't show up but i keep telling myself to go and get it over with because i won't want to do it in a weeks time either.  i don't even remember a time when leaving the house was easy.  so many things are difficult now that it's a wonder i ever manage to show up somewhere.  i'll try in the morning. 

i am thankful for all of the soldiers who have served, past and present, and those who gave their lives so that we might have our freedoms (even those that allow me to sit and complain and worry about if i will be able to drive the 12 miles to the doctor tomorrow!)  God bless all our heroes!

grace and peace

looking back

date and time have been on my mind these days.  the month of may especially:

may 2 - 2nd anniversary of the flood,

may 17 - my grandmother's 95th birthday,

may 22, today - the 20th anniversary of my high school graduation.

i can't help but try to remember who that 18 year old was and what the last 20 years have done to change her.  that, and how very much i still resemble her. 

i am the first to admit that i have never been one for plans, goals, rigidity or preparedness.  i graduated high school with a college scholarship to the only school to which i applied - where i was the third generation of my family to attend.  i never thought much about what classes to take, what to major in or what i wanted to do for a living.  i've never wanted to do anything but write.  the fact that i didn't major in english or journalism has not escaped my notice.  i chose political science and history  barely able to imagine a life of campaigns, waxing poetic about political theory and historical events while making a name for myself writing.  none of that worked.

i made a career in law with no ambition to attend law school.  i continue to write (everything:  fiction, non-fiction, poetry) and go where i go.  now, unemployed for 2 years, and at another crossroads, i have no idea where to go or where i will end up.  part of me figures that i will do what i always do - fly by the seat of my pants.  but another part of me wishes that i could have been and done what came so easily to other people - those of you who have always known what you wanted to do or fell into a job that you love or that fulfills you or pays the bills and doesn't make you want to pull your hair out. 

i never knew anything about what i wanted.  i only knew what i didn't want.  i never wanted children, i never wanted to work only for money, i never wanted to live in a small town again (by graduation i had already been living back in nashville for 6 months and felt very removed from the years living in the small town in which i spent the years 9-17.)

i don't remember much about graduation, just the white dress i wore, the dinner afterward with my family and a couple of parties after that.  i don't remember having any particular fears about what was coming...college...job...life...

now i have fears about everything and i wonder if that's the way life works.  what 18 year old has any idea what awaits them as the years go by?  not a one. 

grace and peace

Rated PTSD

"there are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds."  laurell hamilton

tonight the stress has been all my fault.  i sat down to watch a movie about which i knew nothing.  one of the characters had PTSD and i should have turned it off right then but i was half an hour in before this character walked on.  his pain became mine and mine his.  as i watched him patrol his empty, fenced-in yard, lose himself in far-away memories and disconnect from the man he used to be i started to feel all the troubling signs of a panic attack:  i couldn't sit still, my breath became shallow and my chest began to ache.

terrifying.  the whole thing--PTSD, anxiety, agoraphobia--is so hard to explain.  the only way i know how to describe it is that i am unable to trust my own thoughts.  i suppose one of the reasons that i am so afraid to be out of the house is that i can't trust my feelings; of safety or of danger.  everything feels dangerous and yet i am so disconnected from my own feelings that i'm not sure i can gauge my surroundings in any real way.  it's just easier to stay home.  easier to have a short list of "safe, pre-approved places" and a long list of "unsafe, scary places."

i don't have any enemies, but if i did, i wouldn't wish PTSD on them.  it is painful and exhausting and misunderstood and plain hard!

grace and peace

95 and counting

i spent today celebrating my grandmother's 95th birthday.  she, my 2 aunts, cousin, daddy and i went to eat and then visited for hours on end (as the bradfords are want to do.)  we listened to stories of her 95 years--her first memory (having pneumonia before her 2nd birthday) the first time she rode in a car (her mother's funeral a month before her 5th birthday) the first time she experienced indoor plumbing and electric lights (a trip to ft. worth to visit an aunt with her daddy and sister not long after her mother died.)  those things are invaluable to know.

i have been blessed with close relationships with my grandparents.  my daddy's daddy died the year i graduated from college.  i was 22.  my other 3 grandparents are alive.  i'm 38!  i love to hear the stories of relatives i never knew, the nicknames, the childhood memories (like the fact that 2 of my grandmama's sisters shared the same imaginary friend, harley.)  those are priceless things.

my anxiety has been high the last few days in anticipation of today.  knowing it would mean a long day outside the house and a trip to a public place.  that, and the ever-present, post-flood fear i have of death.  i spent too many hours worried about the phone call that never came telling me that grandmama hadn't lived to 95.  she was tired at the end of the day but she is fine.  i love her with all my heart.

"95, and my kids still can't keep up with me!"

this has never been more true of a 95 year old.  she still washes and dries the dishes after every meal (no dishwashers for her!)  she did say when i asked her the convenience she most appreciated that when granddaddy bought the electric washing machine that it was nice.  i imagine so with a husband and 5 kids...

i love you mildred lehr crownover bradford!  you are the most Godly, precious woman i've ever known.

grace and peace

thanks be to God

so many days i use this forum to share my anxieties, fears and complaints but today i want to give thanks to a great and generous God.  not knowing what to do about the fast-approaching payment dates of most of my bills, last night i reached out to three Godly, loving and caring women at my church with my needs and my prayer requests.  this morning i heard from all 3 of them and have a paid mortgage and car payment.  

these women don't know that when our preacher asked us yesterday morning to give thanks for our "mothers in the faith" that i prayed for all 3 of them by name.  see, this is not the first time they have come to my rescue since the flood.  

even after all this time it's still humbling and sometimes very hard to ask for help.  i have certainly done it enough and will no doubt continue to ask for assistance until employment comes my way.  the most humbling things remain the help that comes without my asking:

the cash i got today in a card from my best friend,

the overly generous birthday gift from a friend,

the dozen or more meals another friend has bought with no thought to when i will be able to pick up the check,

the groceries bought by my mother,

the money from daddy to refill my long-overdue prescriptions,

the monthly check from my best friend's parents,

the therapist who sees me for free,

the hugs,

the willingness to listen,

the 'i'm sorry',

the late night phone calls from my brother,

God's never-ending grace and provision.

i keep repeating a scripture over and over when i begin to worry about what i will eat, drink or wear...

"therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.  each day has enough trouble of its own."  matthew 6:34

grace and peace and thanks

         

growing pains

i don't have anything in particular to talk about today but i felt the need to write.  maybe something will come...i usually feel better after writing and that is no small feat.  i'm struggling with bronchitis, and it is a struggle, it takes all i have to shower, take winston on his short walks and breathe!  last night i nearly killed myself in an attempt to put clean sheets on the bed.  it took nearly an hour to accomplish for having to sit and catch my breath. 

i was in desperate need of sleep and i managed to get a couple of hours.  i think i've had a total of 8 hours of sleep in the last 4 days...i'm hurting now.  sometimes my insomnia doesn't bother me much (when i can read and write and generally enjoy my awake hours) but in the last couple of weeks i've been unable to write and am almost unable to read.  those middle of the night hours aren't fun right now. 

nothing is fun right now.  i had dinner with a friend last night and had another one of those moments...those reminders of how out of touch i am with the real world.  we went to macy's for a few minutes and i was flabbergasted by the price of one piece of clothing.  i feel, in those moments, like a coma patient waking up after years of unconsciousness to find a world full of new things and it's scary.  my near complete exclusion from the pre-flood world has taken it's toll. 

i don't work, i don't shop, i don't have concact with many peole at all, i don't leave the house for days and weeks at a time and it's shocking to realize that the world has moved on without me.  it's like that scene from "growing pains" where mike seaver realizes while he's home sick from school that "'gilligan's island' is on TV whether i'm here to watch it or not."  the realization that the world as we perceive it is just that:  our perception.  it goes on with or without us. 

anyone who has lost a loved one knows that feeling, when you are immersed in grief, and cannot believe that other people are going about business as usual while you mourn and say goodbye to family or friend.  the last 2 years of life have felt like that.  i am in a constant state of shock and grief and everybody else is keeping on:  shopping, planning vacations, celebrating holidays, etc. and here i am.  just stuck.

sometimes i wonder if the world has changed too much for me to ever feel comfortable again.  or have *i* changed that much?

grace and peace  

2 years gone

#s since the flood...

# of years: 2

# of months: 24

# of weeks: 104

# of days: 731

# of hours: 17,544

# of minutes:  1,052,640

# of minutes i feel removed from the flood: 0

# of bills to be paid in may: 10

# of bills which will be paid via automatic withdrawal: 2

($72 car insurance, $8 netflix-which i only have because i don't have a television)

# of dollars left in checking account come may 5: $5.00

# of panic attacks: innumerable

# of new prescription medications i now take: 3

# of medicines i tried before i settled on the current cocktail: 5

# of days remaining before I run out of meds: 1

# of doors left to hang: 6

# of friends who have not spoken to me since the flood: 2

# of friends who have stopped taking my calls: 4

# of resumes sent: 187

# of job interviews: 5

# of books read: 147

# of pages written: 169

# of pets lost since the flood: 2 (sage and maeve)

# of pets adopted since the flood: 2 (kentucky and moxie)

# of pets in need of flea and tick meds: 3

# of $ needed to buy said meds: $50.00

# of days until we run out of pet food:  approx. 4


# of days feeling safe in my own house: 0

# of houses on my street alone that are abandoned: 5

# of $ still promised me by metro: $412.00

# of $ they want me to spend in order to receive $412: $879.00

# of neighbors fired post-flood: 5 that I know of

# of houses foreclosed on: 3 that I know of

# of neighbors that feel "back to normal": 0 that I know of

today i hightailed it to my brother's house so i wouldn't have to be here on the 2 year anniversary of the flood.  his kids always make me feel better, even today.  i vowed not to return until well after dark so i could justify just going to bed--which i am about to do.  i wanted to acknowledge some of the above numbers that are ruling my thoughts these days.  

i can't get my mind around these stats.  i now wonder how long my electricity and my water will stay on once i stop paying.  i wonder how many of my creditors have my home #--since i'm about to have to turn off my home phone.  i wonder how i'm going to at least buy pet food and hopefully get my car payment and cell phone bill paid each month so at least i won't lose everything all over again.  i'm resolved if i lose the house--it's not a big loss to me now.  i hate this house but i don't want to be totally helpless (carless and phoneless.)

i pray everyday that i will get a job and won't have to lose anything but it would be crazy at this point not to acknowledge that i am just a few months from foreclosure.  a few months from bankruptcy.  i can't solve any of it tonight so i'm off to bed.  "after all...tomorrow is another day."

and i could really use a may 3rd as i feel like i've been living may 2, 2010 for 2 straight years!

grace and peace