i don't have anything in particular to talk about today but i felt the need to write. maybe something will come...i usually feel better after writing and that is no small feat. i'm struggling with bronchitis, and it is a struggle, it takes all i have to shower, take winston on his short walks and breathe! last night i nearly killed myself in an attempt to put clean sheets on the bed. it took nearly an hour to accomplish for having to sit and catch my breath.
i was in desperate need of sleep and i managed to get a couple of hours. i think i've had a total of 8 hours of sleep in the last 4 days...i'm hurting now. sometimes my insomnia doesn't bother me much (when i can read and write and generally enjoy my awake hours) but in the last couple of weeks i've been unable to write and am almost unable to read. those middle of the night hours aren't fun right now.
nothing is fun right now. i had dinner with a friend last night and had another one of those moments...those reminders of how out of touch i am with the real world. we went to macy's for a few minutes and i was flabbergasted by the price of one piece of clothing. i feel, in those moments, like a coma patient waking up after years of unconsciousness to find a world full of new things and it's scary. my near complete exclusion from the pre-flood world has taken it's toll.
i don't work, i don't shop, i don't have concact with many peole at all, i don't leave the house for days and weeks at a time and it's shocking to realize that the world has moved on without me. it's like that scene from "growing pains" where mike seaver realizes while he's home sick from school that "'gilligan's island' is on TV whether i'm here to watch it or not." the realization that the world as we perceive it is just that: our perception. it goes on with or without us.
anyone who has lost a loved one knows that feeling, when you are immersed in grief, and cannot believe that other people are going about business as usual while you mourn and say goodbye to family or friend. the last 2 years of life have felt like that. i am in a constant state of shock and grief and everybody else is keeping on: shopping, planning vacations, celebrating holidays, etc. and here i am. just stuck.
sometimes i wonder if the world has changed too much for me to ever feel comfortable again. or have *i* changed that much?
grace and peace
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