Saturday, May 10, 2014

day after day

i feel like i should be writing more often but i've gotten to the point that i just don't know what to say.  it's all the same:  i'm anxious.  i'm exhausted.  i'm broke.  i'm scared.  i'm alone.  i'm angry.  i'm tired of saying the same things and feeling the same things but it's the way things are now.
 
one of the awful effects of PTSD and anxiety (as with depression and physical illnesses, i would imagine) is the inability to imagine life on the other side.  hopelessness:  what if it never gets better?  what if the therapy doesn't work? what if it makes me worse?  what if the medicine stops working?  what if i feel like this FOREVER?!
 
i would like to think that it's the anxiety talking but i've felt it so long that i've begun to think it's just who i am now.  i can no longer separate myself from this "disorder."  i feel like i no longer have PTSD but that i am PTSD. 
 
i hate PTSD!  (but i don't hate myself...so there's that.)
 
grace and peace
   

Friday, May 2, 2014

four and counting

here's the only way i know to describe it:
 
4 years ago tonight i feel as if i was diagnosed with a terminal disease that won't kill me.  i feel like i've just been waiting to die.  not constantly fearing my death - i have a great faith and believe in Heaven and believe 100% that i will spend eternity there - it's a waiting.
 
as if my car tires lifted off the ground as i drove through the raging water and, 4 years later, they have yet to touch ground.  so much of me died that day:  who i was, who i thought i was, my belief in my future, my belief in myself, my sense of safety and security, my fearlessness, my self-assuredness, my ease. 
 
now i'm 4 years removed and it feels as if it's all happening RIGHT NOW!  they describe PTSD as the brain "shutting down" to protect itself therefore keeping itself in the HERE and not allowing it to process memories as the PAST.  so here i am.
 
i'm grateful that i have a have a job to go to - that part of the day passed without fanfare.  now i'm home and the tears won't stop, my heart won't stop pounding, i can't stop pacing, i can't eat, i didn't sleep at all last night.  i don't hold out much hope for tonight.  i wish i were a person who could just let anniversaries pass without dwelling on them but i'm not that person.  i feel them.  i REALLY feel them.
 
3 1/2 years of anxiety (the anxiety didn't start until i moved back into the house in october 2010) and i feel like i'm just waiting to die.  waiting.  to.  die. 
 
it's not a good feeling, it's not a normal feeling, it's just what i feel.  i am grateful for a good many things:  it didn't rain today, i have a good job that i love, i came home to my sweet pets, i have the weekend to process and (hopefully) relax.  i have friends who know EXACTLY what i'm going through because it happened to them too, i have a God who is bigger than my anxiety and i didn't die in the flood (some people did!)
 
grace and peace