food for thought

i have several things on my mind today...

1. why did i wake up singing the theme song to "laverne and shirley?"

2. why am i so afraid to go to the grocery store?

3. why can i not talk myself out of this particular fear?

yes, i am afraid to go places alone, but the grocery store seems to be the most frightening of all destinations.  i can force myself to church alone, i can force myself to therapy alone but i cannot buy my own food.  what is that?!  i'm out of everything.  i'm down to maybe 8 ounces of juice and 2 or 3 tablespoons of peanut butter, oh and a box of organic macaroni and cheese (but no milk with which to mix it.)  i can sit here and type this and accept the irrationality of it but i cannot make myself drive to the store and shop.  the fear of what lies in wait is too overwhelming.  i'm so afraid that i will have a panic attack there and not be able to get home.  i don't know why that terrifies me so, i've never had a panic attack in the store.  maybe i'm afraid of being in line when it comes, maybe it's that i will have to leave my stuff behind and run out before i can pay and that it will have all been for naught.  the fear consumes me.

  

winston and i might have to hit up a drive-thru for lunch then i'll have to work on finding a "volunteer" to accompany me to a store soon.  with all the planning and preparing that entails i'm so exhausted by the time i get to a store that i don't have the energy for panic attacks!     

grace and peace