Wednesday, June 15, 2016

good riddance

tonight is the last night i will sleep in this house.  i’m moving to a house my great-aunt left to my mother in 2013.  it’s not where i want to live but it’s infinitely better than living here.  in hindsight i wish i had not rebuilt the blasted thing after the flood. 
because i’ve recently opened my own business and because daddy died in april and because my money has run out i’m done paying for this place.  since the flood i’ve spent more than 50% of my salary on my mortgage (before utilities) i can no longer afford it and i’m past ready to be out of here.
i’d like to think that some of my anxiety will lessen when i no longer have to come home to the place where my trauma happened.  i expect to always experience some anxiety, as PTSD never goes away completely, but i think being away from here can only help.
i’m faced with the possibility of bankruptcy and having to get a “real” job while somehow still keeping the bookstore open (with the help of my mother who works for me a day or 2 a week for free!) but i think i can avoid foreclosure by letting the bank sell the house through a short sale.  since the flood the house has lost so much of its value that i owe a good deal more than it’s worth so the possibility of me selling it is nil.
i’m outta here tomorrow with the pets and then my brother and i will move the big stuff (bed, dresser, dining room table) later this week.  the rest of the stuff:  all the other furniture, dishes, small appliances will go in the front yard for a yard sale when i can manage it.)  the large appliances—only 6 years old, like everything else I own—will live in my brother’s barn until i need them.
i hope i feel relief.  i can’t imagine what that must feel like.  i know i won’t feel any regret about leaving here!
i wish i weren’t having to do this without daddy!  he would know what to say to make it feel better (at least for minute.) 
grace and peace and goodbye!

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