Friday, June 29, 2012

working girl

my first week of work (with my regular schedule) is over and my first paycheck (for last week's abbreviated schedule) is in the bank.  looking forward to my paycheck in 2 weeks to see what my monthly earnings will be.  it sure felt good to see that deposit in my bank account this morning.  after 2 years of not working it is such a blessing. 

other than tired feet and legs when i get home at night i have no complaints.  and even that is bearable.  it's like the soreness after a good long run or workout--you know you've earned the sore muscles and it's a "good" tired and sore.  the positive thing is that i'm not still sore when i get up in the morning so i feel like i'll adjust to all the standing, etc. 

my anxiety is mutating into other areas now that i have a job.  i remain obsessed with the death toll flashing on all the electronic highway signs.  i'm also becoming more and more anxious about my pets being home alone while i'm out all day.  they are fine, but i'm not.  i worry about them constantly (even when i'm here if they are outside or out of my sight.) 

it seems the anxiety must find an outlet.  it's exhausting!  i'm so tired of not being myself.  afraid that i don't even know the real me anymore.  i wonder if the changes are irrevocable?  will i just have to learn to live with this forever?  will the real me creep back in one day when i've given her up for good?  or is this the damn "new normal" that everyone assures me i can expect?

i just can't solve it.  i suppose everyone feels that way about something, huh?

grace and peace  

Saturday, June 23, 2012

highways and byways

anxiety:  distress or uneasiness of mind caused by fear of danger or misfortune.

what amazes me about my anxiety is that it attaches itself to things i have never thought about before.  i knew that getting a job wouldn't make my anxiety dissipate because this is bigger than any one thing.  yes, i am relieved to be employed but i am still bringing in less money than is going out.  i really love the bookstore, i love the books and the customers and the feeling i get while there:  that i am a part of something special, something fighting for it's very existence in a digital world but thriving in spite of it.

now i am obsessed and anxious about my safety, or lack thereof, while i'm in the car.  in nashville the electronic highway signs have begun to broadcast a running total of road fatalities in tennessee.  each day i see the number tick up and live in absolute fear that i will see the number change while i am driving and that my reaction will one of sheer terror which will cause me to be the next cold, hard number that will be displayed for all drivers to glance at, ignore or grieve for.  it's horrifying to think that with each number increase there is a family, or many families, that mourn that death and have to attach that impersonal number to their loved one for all time.

i am not sure if such tactics make drivers behave differently or if it's a deterrent to any unsafe behavior but i know i have to wage an internal war with my anxiety to get me on the road some days because i don't want to see to what extent the number has increased.  i am reminded daily that things are just not as easy as they used to be.  everything is hard while battling PTSD and anxiety.  i wonder sometimes why i am so exhausted and try to remember that i have fought so hard these last 2 years just to keep my head above water that i have a right to be tired.

i pray for the strength to carry on...

grace and peace 



Sunday, June 17, 2012

gainfully employed

yesterday was my first day of work in more than 2 years.  i got a full-time job in a local, independently-owned, bookstore.  other than the understandably low salary i am thrilled.  if all the bills get paid i'll be thrilled with the money too.  those of you who know me well know how important books are to me.  i love the thought of being surrounded by books and book people again.  the words and works of great writers are much more of a comfort to me than a big bank account. 

i had a full day of training yesterday and am waiting to hear when my regular schedule will start.  i think (and pray) that it will be sometime this week.  the sooner the better.  i spent a few hours with daddy today celebrating father's day.  that was nice.  other than that it's been a quiet day with my book and the scrabble app on my iPad.  

i am so grateful for all the prayers, words of encouragement, positive thoughts and job leads given by friends and family in the last 2 years.  not to mention the financial help which has kept me afloat in a very difficult time and a stagnant economy.  much love and thanks to y'all.

i sure hope that a routine and regular time out of this house will help a little with my anxiety and that working again may help with my very painful and exhausting insomnia. 

grace and peace

    

Friday, June 8, 2012

i'm still...here

i haven't written in a while and it's only because i have NOTHING to report.  still job-hunting, to no avail...still sitting here just an anxiety-ridden mess.  am unable to accept that bankruptcy now looks all but certain.  i've been in contact with 2 different graduate schools today and it's possible that i could be admitted for fall but if money comes in for that, plus living expenses, it won't be until september or october.  i will be foreclosed on long before that.

was also told that i may have a job possibility opening up in the fall.  it's JUNE!  i don't know how to stand it.  i don't know how to fix this!  i pray everyday for a solution and yet i'm no good at waiting for the answer.  i can imagine that working a part-time job for minimum wage may be my new reality but i almost refuse to accept that bankruptcy will be the best thing.  as if *i* would know what's best for me!  i don't.

my nurse practitioner upped my meds to help with my anxiety and more so my sleep deprivation.  now i just feel drugged.  it'll take a few days for that to go away.  until then i am useless.  i feel like i'm trying to run under water. 

finally making myself take the car in for an oil change tomorrow.  i dread it.  i've been putting it off for miles and miles...

grace and peace