a long day

today has been full of anxiety because of a pair of slippers.  let me explain:  i went to cvs this morning before work to buy a toothbrush and a couple of other necessities when i made an impulse purchase of a pair of slippers.  i've been needing slippers since my old ones bought the farm after years of loyal service.  they were on sale at $5.99 from $9.99.  i labored over it but i ultimately decided that walking the pug in my socks wasn't going to be okay in a couple of weeks so i put them in my buggy and paid for them all the while suffering heart palpitations and shallow breath.  

all day long i kept thinking about returning them because i can't afford $5.99 on a luxury item like slippers.  i shed tears over having to let them go but i was ready to take them back because i just couldn't justify the expense. i thought about how different my life is from most people i know.  i thought about what it's like to live on a few hundred dollars a month and how far i've learned to stretch a dollar. 

when i got home i put them on and decided to take them back.  then i decided to keep them.  then i walked the pug and now i have to keep them.  they are comfortable and warm and worth $5.99 but i still feel crazy over them.  

life with anxiety is hard.  life for people who are poor is hard.  life is hard.  be kind.

grace and peace  

gratefulness

i work 6 days a week.   monday is my day off.  every other monday morning i have a therapy appointment which i need to attend for my sanity.  that means i have 2 days a month that a i don't have to set an alarm.

tomorrow is one of those 2 days.  yes, i still have to go to the store to take care of the bookstore kitty but i can do that in my pjs.  i love to have days in which i don't have to leave the house but i don't get those anymore.

i will keep this up as long as i'm blessed enough to have my own business.  and i'll be grateful

grace and peace

happy anniversary to me

today marks one year that my bookstore has been open at its current location.  basically, today is my one-year anniversary because i couldn’t do this full-time until this last move so i consider november 18, 2017 my opening day.  it went by uncelebrated and that’s okay because i knew.  i didn’t want to plan anything or have an event since it’s a holiday week.  i felt sure it would be a slow day and that would just depress me and add to my anxiety and frustration.

i had a good day though.  i had gotten in several books as part of a donation that i knew a customer would want to look at.  i texted and she came by and made a sizeable purchase.  i love doing what i do.  i love knowing my customers wants and interests and contacting them when books surface that they will like.  i had that happen one other time this past week as well and it reinforced why i do what i do.

the used book business is really hard.  i’m in constant competition with big warehouse stores and thrift shops and goodwill but i offer so much more than that.  you can’t walk into one of those places and ask for recommendations or spend literally hours talking about literature or politics or family or music or film or God or anything else.  i do that all day.  i know my customers and i do what i do for them – not just for me.

i don’t know that i will see another anniversary in this business unless something changes.  lots of things are happening in the book world and lots of things are happening in nashville.  it’s a source of pride for me that the store sustains itself but i must pay myself as well and that’s proving to be much more difficult. 

if i’m able to hang on i hope on my 2^nd anniversary then i can have a party!

grace and peace and books

these are the days

yesterday was a good sales day at the store and that always feels encouraging.  unfortunately those days are often followed by days like today - 35 degrees and pouring down rain.  it's dead.  i've had only a handful of customers and fewer buyers.  

i find it hard to reconcile the 2 realities. i'm elated on the good days and downright miserable on the bad days.  normal?  maybe.  exhausting? absolutely.

i love what i do.  i love owning my own business.  i don't love the stress though.  i don't love the uncertainty.  i don't handle the ups and downs with much grace.   

it's a trial by fire and sometimes i feel singed while other times i feel burned.  mostly today i feel tired.

headed out of here in a few minutes to my couch and my pug and my cat.  

grace and peace

vote!

tomorrow we vote.  we vote in 435 congressional races, 35 senate races, 36 gubernatorial races and innumerable state races.  the very future of our country is in OUR hands.  i cannot understand what would make someone choose to not vote.  don't feel like your opinion matters?  feel like they are all crooks?  feel like the decisions they make don't affect your life?  make your voice heard by voting for those you feel are most closely aligned to your values.

if you drive on roads, cross bridges, have your money in a bank, have a child in public school, are paying off a school loan, are working for minimum wage, are working in an "at will" state, are getting older, are hoping to retire, are hoping to travel, then the government affects your life.  HAVE A SAY IN IT...VOTE!

my grandfather died in defense of this country - how could i possibly stay home?  women died to secure my right (less than 100 years ago) - how could i possibly stay home?  people marched, fought, were lynched, were shipped to foreign shores, landed on beaches and buried family and friends for my privilege of VOTING - how could i possibly stay home?

VOTE!

grace and peace and VOTE!    

lost and found

for the last 2 days i've been looking everywhere for a notebook with a good deal of research in it for a writing project i've started but have had neglected for a long while.  i'm really trying to get back to writing on a regular basis which is why you're hearing from me now.  

i've been in a panic about losing months of research when it finally occurred to me this morning while opening the store that the one place i've not looked is in the backseat of my car.  i never have anyone back there and my car is a wasteland for stuff i just can't bear to drag into the house.  don't judge me:  i've moved the store and the house a total of 6 times in the last 2 1/2 years and there're always those last couple of boxes of random stuff that i don't use everyday that i run out of energy to deal with.

when i got home from the store i opened the bag in the floorboard behind the driver's seat and there was the lost notebook with a surge protector and baseball cap.  crisis averted!

and the day was a good one in other ways too.  an unreal list of my friends came to visit today:  ellie, jonathan (my wonderful brother), pattie, rebecca, greta and katie.  what a lovely surprise.  the sales day was good but not great.  my daily need was surpassed but i'm still stressed about the slow overall sales (though the week has been a good one).

to top the day off i talked to my bff in florida and my football and hockey teams both won.  if i were a different person i would feel great but i honestly feel anxious about tomorrow because it's not possible to have 2 days like this in a row.  isn't that terrible?  i should count my blessings and let tomorrow come but i have anxiety and that's hard for me.  i always dread the other shoe dropping.  it's, no doubt, worse now that i own a business because i'm so aware of how everyday has to go in order to keep the business afloat.  ugh.  i'm gonna turn this gadget off, say my prayers and read a bit.  i'll face tomorrow if i'm blessed enough to get it.

grace and peace 

reality

i don't remember what living without anxiety feels like.  

i want to run away and spend all day everyday in art museums and bookstores.  but i also want running water and to eat and to have my pug with me all the time.  so i have to have a place to live and a job.

i love owning my own business but it's hard work and i'm tired. i also don't remember a time when I wasn't tired.

but what do i say?

i told my friend daniel that i felt like writing tonight but i have no idea what i want/need to say.  his blog is always an inspiration to me but he succeeds where i spin.  his writing is focused and mine is a purging.  i sit in front of this empty screen and try to give voice to the anxiety in my brain and the way my body fights and/or gives in.  

tomorrow marks 10 months the bookstore has been open in the new location.  mostly things are great.  money is tight.  the book business has changed.  i'm looking for ways to make more money and stretch the dollars that come in.  luckily the store pays for itself - it's paying me that's the current problem.  as you can imagine, that fact is not an easy one for someone with, at times, debilitating anxiety.

my brother just called - he helps my anxiety though we had to talk politics.  he opened with, "i'm not gonna talk long, but..." because he knows i tend to rant and rave.  today and tomorrow are my days off so i hope to enjoy them and rest a little.

grace and peace

what we owe our boys

reflecting today on what is happening in our society and in our schools.  we absolutely have a gun problem in this country. i don't want to write about that today, i've written about that ad nauseam and i've argued it ad nauseam.  i want to talk about what we teach to our children (full disclosure - i don't have kids) specifically what we teach our boys.  

these schools shooters are almost always boys and almost always white.  why is that?  what are we teaching (or not teaching) our boys?  there seems to be a pattern in the past of these young men - they are almost always obsessed with guns and violent video games, they are almost always bullied in some way, they almost always exhibit violent behavior against women in their lives.  likely they seek fame and infamy in a culture where we glorify killers and give hours and days of 24 hour news coverage to these mass murderers.

what i believe is that we teach our boys (systematically and mostly unconsciously) that the world is theirs, that they can be anything and do anything, that girls are objects of their desire and for their pleasure, that they are special, that they are superior, that they are strong, that they are entitled.

what we don't teach them is that they are part of a community of "others," that the world is not solely theirs, that they WILL be disappointed, that they will be broken-hearted, that they will be scared. we call them "sissies" and "pussies" and "wusses" and "girls" when they show emotion or drop a ball or show vulnerability.  we tell them they "run like a girl" when they lose.  we instill in them that girls are weak and that they should be strong and therefore dominant. 

we don't let them be boys, we don't let them figure it out on their own, we don't let them grow, we don't teach them how to be in touch with their emotions.  we make them angry, we call them names, we tell them they have to "man up." we ply them with video games in which they earn points for the number of prostitutes they kill (grand theft auto) and then we give them easy and almost unfettered access to guns.  what in the world do we think they are going to do?  we've given them no coping mechanisms in which to deal with the hard world we all live in.  entitlement is a killer.  we've seen it 18 times this year alone.      

when is the time?

if now is not the time, when is the time?  if it's "too early" to talk about sane gun laws when will it be too late?

NOW IS THE TIME!  for many kids there will not be a later time.