2 days, 2 walks, 2 snakes

"if man could be crossed with a cat it would improve the man but it would deteriorate the cat."  mark twain

i've been missing my sweet maeve these last few days.  it's been in the 80s here in nashville and as a consequence winston, the overweight and under-motivated pug, has made it clear that he's not interested in long walks with me.  he wants many short walks--the kind that take us only one or two blocks from the house.  the kind that maeve used to take with us.  she walked with us rain or shine.  so many drivers, walkers, bike-riders would stop and ask about her, was she mine?, did she always walk with us?, did she think she was a dog?, did she think she was a person?  i miss her.

both yesterday and today i've seen snakes on my walks.  yesterday a 2-foot long, live one in the middle of the road when i had winston with me.  today a dead one 12-14 inches long on the side of the road (and i was nearly 2 miles from home--no quick getaway!)  yet another reason not to live near a river!

my anxiety has been okay today because i was outside in the sun almost all day.  it helps.  the only real panic was when i heard someone at the door.  i could tell that someone tried to turn the handle on the locked storm door.  i held my breath and felt the initial light-headedness and pounding heart that comes with a panic attack.  no knock!!  i kept myself in check but it was a good half an hour before i worked up the nerve to open the front door to find a flier from a local church stuck in the door.  really dodged a bullet there. 

think i'm going to finish the book i'm reading and head to bed early (hopefully thanks to the benadryl i need to control my sneezing fits).  i'm meeting my brother at early church service tomorrow and i usually mosey on into the late service so we'll see how i manage 9:00 a.m. 

grace and peace

"serenity NOW!"

"but they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength;

they shall mount up with wings as eagles;

they shall run and not be weary;

they shall walk and not faint."  Isaiah 40:31

"...waiting is the hardest part."  tom petty

i'm struggling with two things in particular these last few days:  anger and impatience.  i'm angry at the world and impatient that it will not bend to my will. 

i'm nearly at the end of my rope and i see no safe place to land.  my money situation is growing dire and i seem no closer to a job or to school.  i may get my wish and be relieved of the burden of this house via foreclosure.  i cannot imagine that i'm here and yet i have only one more mortgage payment in the bank and that's it. 

i'm trying really hard to stay positive and tell myself that i am ready to go where God wants me to go and that if that means a job or school or a cardboard box that i will faithfully go. there is peace in that. 

some part of me, though, is afraid that the lack of concern i feel about the impending shift is just another form of denial.  i can no longer tell if my anxiety is protecting my brain from things it can't handle or if it's numbing me to the extent that i really don't care anymore what becomes of this situation.

i don't know how to change anything and i don't know how i will survive losing anything else.  i'm am truly lost.  i pray for patience, for relief, for help, for a loud and resounding command, for deliverance, for peace, for hope and for a pillar of cloud and a pillar of fire.  

grace and peace    



"how high's the water, mama?"

"five feet high and risin'"  johnny cash

wednesday - i started the day with a walk before it got too hot.  by 9:00 am i was 3/4 of a mile in when i had a quick and painful thought:  "all of this was under water!  the water would be over my head right now if it were may 2, 2010!"  it ALWAYS feels like may 2, 2010 to me.  i panicked.  my heart pounded and i fought the urge to run home.  it didn't really matter...the whole neighborhood was under water, my house was under water...nowhere is safe.

i pictured the water rushing over my head in waves.  much to the dismay of those who assure me that because i can swim i had nothing to fear, i say, "that's bullshit!"  the current was so strong that even emergency workers couldn't enter the neighborhood except by boat for 5 days.  i had my first panic attack as i approached the park.  i quickly turned my back to the unseen river and had to stand, hands on knees, gulping air like a marathoner, less than a mile from home.  i got my breathing under control after a few minutes and tried by repeating, "i'm safe, i'm safe, i'm safe...there is NO WATER!" to calm myself down enough to finish.  i managed 2 miles instead of my normal 3 or 3.5.

i got home and found that i was afraid to come inside.  for the last 18 months or so i've been terrified to leave the house (sometimes i am UNABLE to do it) and then i found myself afraid of the house.  i could think of nothing to do but prune the 3 holly bushes out front.  (i did rush in for supplies and RUSH right back out!)  i spent a good while pruning, with my industrial worker's gloves covered in insulation, drywall dust and caulk, then bagging the limbs into industrial triple-thick outside trash bags left over from post-flood clean-up.  there is NOTHING i can do to get away!

i had several more panic attacks throughout the day and spent 2+ hours roaming the city while my yard guy mowed the yard.  i came home before he finished and had to make two extra trips around the area before i finally passed my street and saw that his truck was gone.  yes, that made me feel crazy but i also felt that i absolutely couldn't come home with him here.  no sleep.

thursday - a better day but i've had some lost time and have noticed my shortened attention span and suffered from a tension headache after all the stress and anxiety of yesterday.  i did manage a nap midday which is why i am now posting this, wide awake, at 1:00 am.

i can't understand why something won't happen, like a switch being flipped in my brain.  i know that there is no threat, i know that the flood is "over," i know that i am safe (as safe as anyone is) but i just can't stop the thoughts and the memories from paralyzing me.  i know that's what PTSD is and that all this is "normal" but it sure hurts and it's so exhausting.  i just want something to be easy.  it should be easy to take a walk in my own neighborhood but it's not.  there are reminders of the flood everywhere!

dear God i pray for...

grace and peace 

soundtracking spring

3.5 mile walk today with only 2 anxiety-inducing occurrences:  i was being stalked by a fedex truck and i had to overhear a metro health department worker tell someone at the entrance to the park that he was there doing soil sampling post-flood (almost 23 months after the flood) to measure the level of "contamination."  WHAT contamination?  what was in that river water when it was rushing through my house for 5 days?!  i tried really hard to ignore those things and concentrate on my music.

here's my soundtrack for today:

1.  "mickey" - toni basil (as in..."oh mickey, you're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind, hey mickey (clap-clap, clap-clap) hey mickey (clap-clap, clap-clap)

2.  "angel" - jimi hendrix

3.  "simple man" - lynyrd skynyrd

4.  "pride (in the name of love)" - U2 (the live "rattle and hum" version)

5.  "i want you" - bob dylan

6.  "tupelo honey" - van "the man" morrison

7.  "now i'm here" - queen

8.  "wild horses" - the rolling stones

9.  "over the hills and far away" - led zeppelin

10. "voodoo child" - jimi hendrix

11. "mexicali blues" - the grateful dead

12. "the denial twist" - the white stripes

13. "take me with you" - prince and the revolution

14. "effect and cause" - the white stripes

not bad.  now i have 5 hours in which to prepare my fragile psyche for a dinner out with a friend. 

grace and peace 



anger management, part II

"when angry count to ten before you speak.  if very angry, count to one hundred."  thomas jefferson

"when angry, count to four; when very angry, swear."  mark twain

good advice from both these great men!  while i'm sure they never could have imagined posting on blogs, facebook or twitter the advice holds true.  my struggle today is that i am angry and cannot determine why.  now, anger is a comfortable emotion for me and a good ol' stand-by response if there is little else to turn to.  i've tried as an adult to not resort to anger in every situation and to refrain from expressing it every time i feel it. 

i know some of the reasons for my anger today but this isn't the forum for working those out so i won't belabor the point.  one thing i am pleased with today is the weather--80 degrees and sunny.  heavenly!  one of the things i am angry about is that we are approaching the 2-year mark of the flood and it still rules my life.  i'm tired.  i'm tired of the fight and the mess and the fear.  i'm tired of the constant reminders, questions and invading memories.  i'm tired!

the constant anxiety i live with is exhausting.  the loss of the confident person i once was is a much more harrowing result than the loss of "stuff" and "material possessions" that people are always telling me i'm "lucky" to have "just lost."  as in:  "stuff can be replaced, at least you are okay."  "the house is finished and you've replaced your things." and "aren't you glad it's over and everything is back to normal?"  really?  nothing's over and nothing is back to normal.  invaluable things are gone that can never be replaced and everything i now own is a replacement for something that was ripped from me. 

the road is long and hard.  and i'm tired.  i'm almost 2 years removed and i'm still lost.  i'm still scared.  i'm still replacing things.  i'm still traumatized.  i still think of my life as "pre-flood" and "post-flood."  so those are a few of the things i'm angry about today. 

i need...

grace and peace 

overwhelmed and under pressure

i'm spending this rainy monday recovering from a busy weekend and trying to reassure the pets that i'm in for the day.  they are a little put out with me. 

i had a friend in from out of town on friday night so thursday and friday were spent in the ongoing tug-o'-war that is keeping this house clean and making it not feel like the flood-ravaged, neglected dwelling that it has become.  it was a nice visit (and i'm enjoying the benefit of a cleaner than normal house as a result) but it reminded me something that i've long suspected...that i've lost my ability to easily interact with people.  i think i was okay once she got here but i spent an inordinate amount of time beforehand worried about what to do, how to act, where to sit, how to talk to someone other than myself about anything but me and the flood, etc.

almost immediately after she left i got a dinner invitation from my brother, his son and our nephew at a restaurant that has thousands of square feet of video games, playgrounds, bowling alleys, etc.  (55,000 sq. feet--i just looked it up!)  i reluctantly agreed because i love my brother and nephews that much but dreaded it with dangerous passion.  i arrived on time (stop the presses!) and immediately became convinced that i COULD NOT enter the place.  i stood out front for 5 minutes before i called and texted my brother trying to discern if they were already there.  no response!  my anxiety doesn't allow me to enter places (especially unfamiliar places) alone.  i had just decided that i was going to have to go back and sit in my car when i saw them pull in.  RELIEF!  

hugs all around; i'm sure they could feel my overtaxed heart beating in my chest.  i was SCARED TO DEATH to go in.  we quickly got to a table and, as my brother and i both mentioned, the saving grace was that the tables are far enough apart that it felt safe even in the midst of all the chaos.  (no one sitting too close, no one overhearing our conversation.)  my nephews wouldn't even stay at the table long enough to order supper.  they just came around every half an hour or so to get swings of their cokes!  they live in different states and were spending spring break together so it was a special, special occasion!  my brother and i had a great visit (we laughed a lot!) i was exhausted when i got home and quickly retired to bed with my book and promptly forgot all about daylight savings time. 

yesterday was spent with a dear friend for a much needed girls' day out.  we ate and shopped and talked and laughed.  she's my rock!  i got a little anxious a few times but she is always understanding and supportive and let's me have my crazy moments.  sleep was hard-fought and hard-won last night so today i am recovering with just slow, short walks with winston in between periods of rain and a lot of housekeeping chores by way of bill-paying, resume-sending, job-hunting, etc.

i did get a call today for a job interview on thursday which will necessitate a trip to some kind of clothing store for an interview outfit as all my "work clothes" were either lost in the flood or i have, let's call it, "outgrown" them.  even though i'm walking 3 miles a day at least 5 days a week i'm seeing no weight loss success just yet. 

i have so much going on that i can't even figure out which life-changing event to focus on at any given time...graduate school admission, job hunting, finishing this house, therapy, losing 30 pounds (at least!) paying the IRS (with what money?) and living with PTSD and severe anxiety to boot!!  i would like it all RESOLVED and by someone else!!!!!!!  i'm tired.

the sun DID just come out for the first time today so that's something, right?

grace and peace       

election day woes

i have to go out and vote today and i dread it!  i chickened out of early voting because i could never narrow down a "safe" place to go:  all those scary libaries and community centers!  my anxiety doesn't allow me to go to new places (certainly not by myself) and with my ear infection i haven't felt like lining up reinforcements.  now election day is here and i am faced with a trip to my regular polling place--the local middle school.  yikes!

then i have to go to CVS to pick up my medicine.  by then i will be an utter basketcase.  i saw on-line this morning that it is oreo's 100th birthday today.  oreo is daddy's favorite cookie (mine too, of course) so i think i will buy him a bag and take them over to him since i'll be in his part of town.  i need a hug from him anyway!

a small part of me can remember when leaving the house was easy and running errands was just part of life but most of me is so used to this new constant feeling of panic that i have a hard time remembering what life was like without it.

grace and peace and oreos

anger management

"there was never an angry man that thought his anger unjust."  saint francis de sales

here's the only way i know how to do this...

things i'm angry at today:

1.  tornadoes,

2.  rush limbaugh,

3.  the tax assessor that keeps knocking on my door even though i won't let him in,

4.  gas prices,

5.  the IRS,

6.  my right ear,

7.  the dead mouse on my patio,

8.  my cat who killed said mouse,

9.  the frog that may or may not still be loose in my house,

10. my cat who brought in said frog (the same cat),

11. my dog for barking incessantly at my new cat (NOT the above-mentioned cat),

12. i forgot to buy butter,

13. i got lost again today,

14. despite the time i've recently spent exercising i'm still not losing any weight,

15. republicans,

16. the neighbor who insists on parking on the street instead of in her driveway,

17. my flood-damaged, mud-encrusted mailbox (which belongs to the home owner's association--not me),

18. my own fear that despite the warm winter we are having that a cold snap is just around the corner,

19. this house is a pigsty and yet i cannot make myself clean it,

20. my headaches are so bad that it's hard for me to read,

21. never being able to beat my brother at scrabble,

22. not being able to sleep,

23. PTSD,

24. the world.

grace and peace