they shall mount up with wings as eagles;
they shall run and not be weary;
they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31
"...waiting is the hardest part." tom petty
i'm struggling with two things in particular these last few days: anger and impatience. i'm angry at the world and impatient that it will not bend to my will.
i'm nearly at the end of my rope and i see no safe place to land. my money situation is growing dire and i seem no closer to a job or to school. i may get my wish and be relieved of the burden of this house via foreclosure. i cannot imagine that i'm here and yet i have only one more mortgage payment in the bank and that's it.
i'm trying really hard to stay positive and tell myself that i am ready to go where God wants me to go and that if that means a job or school or a cardboard box that i will faithfully go. there is peace in that.
some part of me, though, is afraid that the lack of concern i feel about the impending shift is just another form of denial. i can no longer tell if my anxiety is protecting my brain from things it can't handle or if it's numbing me to the extent that i really don't care anymore what becomes of this situation.
i don't know how to change anything and i don't know how i will survive losing anything else. i'm am truly lost. i pray for patience, for relief, for help, for a loud and resounding command, for deliverance, for peace, for hope and for a pillar of cloud and a pillar of fire.
grace and peace
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