"five feet high and risin'" johnny cash
wednesday - i started the day with a walk before it got too hot. by 9:00 am i was 3/4 of a mile in when i had a quick and painful thought: "all of this was under water! the water would be over my head right now if it were may 2, 2010!" it ALWAYS feels like may 2, 2010 to me. i panicked. my heart pounded and i fought the urge to run home. it didn't really matter...the whole neighborhood was under water, my house was under water...nowhere is safe.
i pictured the water rushing over my head in waves. much to the dismay of those who assure me that because i can swim i had nothing to fear, i say, "that's bullshit!" the current was so strong that even emergency workers couldn't enter the neighborhood except by boat for 5 days. i had my first panic attack as i approached the park. i quickly turned my back to the unseen river and had to stand, hands on knees, gulping air like a marathoner, less than a mile from home. i got my breathing under control after a few minutes and tried by repeating, "i'm safe, i'm safe, i'm safe...there is NO WATER!" to calm myself down enough to finish. i managed 2 miles instead of my normal 3 or 3.5.
i got home and found that i was afraid to come inside. for the last 18 months or so i've been terrified to leave the house (sometimes i am UNABLE to do it) and then i found myself afraid of the house. i could think of nothing to do but prune the 3 holly bushes out front. (i did rush in for supplies and RUSH right back out!) i spent a good while pruning, with my industrial worker's gloves covered in insulation, drywall dust and caulk, then bagging the limbs into industrial triple-thick outside trash bags left over from post-flood clean-up. there is NOTHING i can do to get away!
i had several more panic attacks throughout the day and spent 2+ hours roaming the city while my yard guy mowed the yard. i came home before he finished and had to make two extra trips around the area before i finally passed my street and saw that his truck was gone. yes, that made me feel crazy but i also felt that i absolutely couldn't come home with him here. no sleep.
thursday - a better day but i've had some lost time and have noticed my shortened attention span and suffered from a tension headache after all the stress and anxiety of yesterday. i did manage a nap midday which is why i am now posting this, wide awake, at 1:00 am.
i can't understand why something won't happen, like a switch being flipped in my brain. i know that there is no threat, i know that the flood is "over," i know that i am safe (as safe as anyone is) but i just can't stop the thoughts and the memories from paralyzing me. i know that's what PTSD is and that all this is "normal" but it sure hurts and it's so exhausting. i just want something to be easy. it should be easy to take a walk in my own neighborhood but it's not. there are reminders of the flood everywhere!
dear God i pray for...
grace and peace
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