i'm spending this rainy monday recovering from a busy weekend and trying to reassure the pets that i'm in for the day. they are a little put out with me.
i had a friend in from out of town on friday night so thursday and friday were spent in the ongoing tug-o'-war that is keeping this house clean and making it not feel like the flood-ravaged, neglected dwelling that it has become. it was a nice visit (and i'm enjoying the benefit of a cleaner than normal house as a result) but it reminded me something that i've long suspected...that i've lost my ability to easily interact with people. i think i was okay once she got here but i spent an inordinate amount of time beforehand worried about what to do, how to act, where to sit, how to talk to someone other than myself about anything but me and the flood, etc.
almost immediately after she left i got a dinner invitation from my brother, his son and our nephew at a restaurant that has thousands of square feet of video games, playgrounds, bowling alleys, etc. (55,000 sq. feet--i just looked it up!) i reluctantly agreed because i love my brother and nephews that much but dreaded it with dangerous passion. i arrived on time (stop the presses!) and immediately became convinced that i COULD NOT enter the place. i stood out front for 5 minutes before i called and texted my brother trying to discern if they were already there. no response! my anxiety doesn't allow me to enter places (especially unfamiliar places) alone. i had just decided that i was going to have to go back and sit in my car when i saw them pull in. RELIEF!
hugs all around; i'm sure they could feel my overtaxed heart beating in my chest. i was SCARED TO DEATH to go in. we quickly got to a table and, as my brother and i both mentioned, the saving grace was that the tables are far enough apart that it felt safe even in the midst of all the chaos. (no one sitting too close, no one overhearing our conversation.) my nephews wouldn't even stay at the table long enough to order supper. they just came around every half an hour or so to get swings of their cokes! they live in different states and were spending spring break together so it was a special, special occasion! my brother and i had a great visit (we laughed a lot!) i was exhausted when i got home and quickly retired to bed with my book and promptly forgot all about daylight savings time.
yesterday was spent with a dear friend for a much needed girls' day out. we ate and shopped and talked and laughed. she's my rock! i got a little anxious a few times but she is always understanding and supportive and let's me have my crazy moments. sleep was hard-fought and hard-won last night so today i am recovering with just slow, short walks with winston in between periods of rain and a lot of housekeeping chores by way of bill-paying, resume-sending, job-hunting, etc.
i did get a call today for a job interview on thursday which will necessitate a trip to some kind of clothing store for an interview outfit as all my "work clothes" were either lost in the flood or i have, let's call it, "outgrown" them. even though i'm walking 3 miles a day at least 5 days a week i'm seeing no weight loss success just yet.
i have so much going on that i can't even figure out which life-changing event to focus on at any given time...graduate school admission, job hunting, finishing this house, therapy, losing 30 pounds (at least!) paying the IRS (with what money?) and living with PTSD and severe anxiety to boot!! i would like it all RESOLVED and by someone else!!!!!!! i'm tired.
the sun DID just come out for the first time today so that's something, right?
grace and peace
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