yesterday i had a horrible day. i learned that a girl i went to school with committed suicide. i didn't really know her but it's a blow. it's desperately sad and inexplicable. my best friend from elementary school killed herself more than a decade ago and it was/is still devastating. the news from yesterday sent me into a deep dark sadness.
with the sadness came intense anxiety. i had one of those days (you women understand) where i was starving. by about 5:00 i had had a bite or two of everything in the house and was left with the knowledge that i had to cook dinner if i were gonna eat. i had no interest in such and wanted to order a pizza.
see, it's not that easy. one of the fears i have is a knock at the door. even leaving the door open so i can see the pizza delivery person through the storm door isn't possible because i'm anxious about strangers approaching the house. no way i could order a pizza! then i began to feel more anxious and desperately uneasy. and hungry.
will this ever change? will i ever be back to who i was before? can i accept this "new normal" that i'm supposed to be embracing? will i ever be able to simply order a pizza? i don't know.
then as the day finally wound down i was thrilled, relieved and so happy to look up and see the sweet little face of my kitty moxie at the french door. she had been gone for more than 3 weeks and i was sure she was gone for good. she's skinny and she has a limp. she's eaten and eaten and eaten and slept. she won't let me out of my sight. i guess she's been locked in somewhere - an outbuilding probably. bless her little heart. i'm in for the day to love on and take care of her.
she may have to go to the vet in the morning but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. she seems to be in no pain but i'm concerned about the limp. i'm so glad she's home. she redeemed my really hard sad day!
grace and peace
