today's four-letter word

lost:  having gone astray or missed the way; bewildered as to place or direction.

there is no other way to describe how i feel today but to say that i am LOST.  i'm having one of those days that i do illogical things and therefore add to my state of bewilderment.  this afternoon i bundled up (the temperature is in the 30s), got winston on his leash and set out the 2 blocks to the mailbox with my netflix movie and one letter to mail.  we got there in a huff, as we hate the cold, before i realized that i had neglected to put a stamp on the letter.  it will have to wait for tomorrow because i am NOT going back.  that, and i can't find my stamps!

for some reason i later felt the overwhelming need to go to the bank.  (the nearest of which has no drive-thru window so that's out.)  i set out the nearly 10 miles to another branch and pulled in to the parking lot before i realized that i had no reason at all to be there.  i had no check to deposit, no money to withdraw, no means or energy with which to rob the place so i sat in the parking lot and tried to come up with a reason for being there.  i looked longingly at the target next door, the pier 1 at the end of the shopping complex and remembered the days that i could just walk into a store by myself and not feel like i would die upon entry.  those days are gone. 

with the gas wasted and the trip for naught i decided i would drive-thru the nearby starbucks (or the dunkin' donuts across the street depending on the length of the line) for a cup of coffee that i didn't need or particularly want.  luckily the starbucks line wasn't too bad so i was able to use a gift card and not spend any "real" money. 

i'm disoriented today.  i've checked my phone to verify the day countless times - i cannot make sense of it being tuesday so i keep having to look at the calendar.  i don't know what difference it makes but losing track of date and time feels scary.  i remember going for lunch and grocery shopping with a friend on sunday afternoon but i have no conscious memory of yesterday at all.  part of that is that i'm not working now so the days all run together but there is so much time that i cannot account for that it leaves me confused, frightened and, yes, LOST!

grace and peace

i bleed orange

it happened today.  my football team lost and we are not eligible for a bowl game.  that means that my college football season is over...in november!  it's awful.  as little southern girls we are taught to love and/or revere certain things, they are:

1.  our daddies;

2.  Jesus;

3.  our college football colors, mascot and coach;

4.  the make of car our daddies drive; and

5.  robert e. lee.

i grew up knowing that i would drive a ford (and i did--a baby blue mustang convertible) until we, as a family, switched to nissan.  i also grew up wearing orange every saturday from august-new years as those were the months that correspond with the university of tennessee volunteers football schedule.  i have untold amounts of orange clothing (and no one really looks good in orange!)  pre-flood i had at least a half dozen bottles of orange toenail polish (those too are orange for fall.)  i now only have one bottle of orange polish (bought for me by daddy shortly after the flood.)

i was food and familied out after the thanksgiving celebrations so i stayed home to watch the game on-line.  it was horrible.  i will never know if they could have pulled it out (we only lost by 3 points) had i driven across town to watch with the family!  we sports fans are a superstitious lot. 

my maternal grandmother is on her way to the hospital tonight with a high fever.  i'm worried about her and am waiting to hear some news.  my mono continues to hang on.  it was a beautiful day here today and we spent a good deal of time outside--rain and cold are expected tomorrow. 

my anxiety hasn't been too bad today.  at least until the sun went down and i started my hunt for the moon.  it's very cloudy now so there's no hope of seeing it tonight but the last 2 nights it's been relatively clear yet i have been unable to spot it.  i know nothing about the phases of the moon, i pay little to no attention to its location, but i have begun to be paranoid about its conspicuous absence since thursday night.  it was clear and i could see innumerable stars (rare this close to downtown) but the moon was MIA.  i haven't seen it since and am feeling a little uneasy about it. 

there is no limit to the wild, irrational thoughts to which i am prone these days.  i feel as if the earth itself has slipped from its orbit and i am the only one who knows it.

grace and peace



d-day

i'm getting ready to leave for the family thanksgiving and i am NOT in a good place to do so.  my anxiety is through the roof this morning.  i love my family, each and every one, but dread interacting with the whole. 

i will not be asked about the flood and my recovery because it happened 18 months ago and to everyone but me--it's over.  i will be asked how the job search is going and i just can't stand the pat reply that i know i will give, "it's a hard market.  there's not much out there.  something will come!"  when what i want to say is "i've had 2 interviews in 18 months, this is the worst economy since the great depression, i am in no shape, mentally, to work right now but that i have no money left!!!!" 

i got a call when i was in the shower asking me to call over there before i leave the house--no doubt someone wants me to stop and pick something up.  i can't go in anywhere alone so now i have to either not call back and say i didn't get the message, call back and make an excuse because being too scared to go to the store to buy butter will not be understood (nor the fact that i have no money to do so!) or call my brother to take care of it for me.  i am thankful for my big brother! 

i'm a wreck and only want to crawl back into bed and hide!!  or get in the car and drive until i run out of gas and start over where ever i end up...

grace and peace and thanksgiving

a walking bullseye

the level to which anxiety has invaded my life still boggles my mind.  this week i've been struggling with a near constant feeling of vulnerability.  i made myself go to dinner with a friend last night but told her that i was sure her van would get flattened by a meteor before night's end.  i feel exposed, as if i'm walking around naked while trying not to draw attention to myself. 

nothing feels safe.  today i've even been unable to watch television.  this week i have encountered 3 episodes of 3 different shows that have left me terribly anxious:  one having to do with a house fire, the 2 others dealing with PTSD and showing brief but realistic panic attacks.  i watched all 3 shows but shoudln't have.  now i'm reluctant to do even that.  i've read a lot and listened to a lot of music today. 

my brother just called and told me to watch the thanksgiving episode of WKRP where they are dropping live turkeys from a helicopter.  HA!  i will watch that tonight!  i'm going to his house tomorrow for a day of football (we celebrate thanksgiving on the day after with the family.)  i wish that i had my copy of "home for the holidays" but i lost it in the flood.  it is my absolute favorite thanksgiving/disfunctional family movie!  it's gone.

i am thankful for many things.  i wish that i were as adept at listing those things as i am at listing the lost things, the scary things, the different things and the new things.

     

for want of a rainbow

family drama, money woes, panic attacks, a death in the family, muscle aches, holiday stress, low-grade fever AND i'm out of bananas!!  i'm so overwhelmed i can't imagine ever feeling any different.  i certainly can't imagine ever feeling better. 

i am a loner by nature (and nurture too, i suppose) but there are days like today when i wish i had a husband.  or at least someone who could fight some of these fights, fill out some of this paperwork, do some of the decision making and planning on my behalf.  i'm so tired of having to do it all.  i'm not sure i'll ever find the motivation to get the house finished and i don't care anymore.

my exhaustion and apathy are bone-deep.  i have nothing left to give.  maybe one day the fear and pain i feel will lessen but i know that some of the changes in me are permanent.  the old me and the new me are in an epic battle for my peace of mind (sanity, if you will) and i'm not in tune with either of them enough to know who to root for.  

it's warm here, but rainy.  the animals and i have hunkered down.  i still maintain that winter hibernation is the way to go.  i don't remember the last time i saw the sun.   should i be listening to neil young?  i don't know...the good part of my day was a much-needed phone call from my best friend.  i think i may have even laughed once.  i love you even though you hate neil young!

grace and peace   

6 weeks of holiday cheer (not in this house!)

it happened today...the Christmas lights at the opryland hotel were lit.  i hate Christmas.  i HATE it!  these lights, all 2 million of them, will be lit 24 hours a day through new year's.  there will be countless people from all over the world who come to see every tree, bush and all 600,000+ square feet of the hotel covered in lights.  i will turn my head and curse it, sometimes under my breath, sometimes out loud, sometimes with the windows rolled down and sometimes to locals and tourists alike.  i live very close to this hotel and there is very little nearby but the damn river, other hotels, numerous steak houses and a mall that has been closed since it was destroyed by the flood. 

i spend every saturday night all year round cursing the tourists here in music city, U.S.A. for the grand ole opry.  i don't listen to country music, i don't like country music and i hate to fight the traffic and tourists all weekend, every weekend.  now they have millions of lights that draw fans of one more institution i despise:  Christmas.  bastards!

i've had an emotional day:  therapy, another hour-long fight with metro about the money promised to me more than a year ago, the imminent death of a great-aunt due to stroke and the dreaded inevitability of an empty bank account.  more money will come within the week but i am worth $5.00 right now.  that's all i have in the world. 

i again feel totally unequipped to cope with any of these things.  if i were at all able to envision or imagine my future i'm sure i would be scared to death but i've lost that particular skill.  i just feel empty and tired.  i have no bigger concern than whether i get a decent nights sleep.  

i spent the afternoon with my beloved cousin and her two precious kids.  i always feel better with her, though i don't feel like myself.  it's kind of like seeing myself interact but not being totally present.  that's the dissociation that i'm trying to tackle in therapy.  that's one of the long laundry list of things to tackle.  no wonder i'm so tired!

grace and peace  

the agony and the ecstasy

agony:  i have a new obsession.  for the last 2 days a man in a silver nissan has parked across the street from my house on numerous occasions throughout the day.  at some point he gets out of the car and disappears but most of the time he sits in the car.  i want to approach him, knock on the window and give him a little of this: 

"you know, we've all been through enough around here and we are all a bundle of raw nerves.  can you please not park here and check your email or ditch your car while you case the neighborhood or walk down the street to have a midday affair because i cannot stand to see this car here!  i'm afraid.  i'm angry and i won't be able to take this much longer!!"

i won't do that for fear that i will scream until i lose my voice, he calls the police or i die of an aneurysm.  i have to go outside to walk winston or i would absolutely not leave this wretched house while he was parked there.  why does he park there?!  where does he go?!  why do i have to put up with one more thing that feels like a threat?!  i just want something to feel normal, something to feel okay, but nothing does. 

ecstasy:  i spent the morning, while not standing at the window checking on the aforementioned car, finishing the new stephen king book.  absolute greatness!  i loved every page of it (nearly 850 pages.)  i remain in awe of his imagination and swoon at his writing ability.  he writes sentences that i would gladly give my eye teeth (ha!) to have written.

my sleep is in "catch up mode" so i am sleeping at weird hours during the day while not sleeping much at night.  i am so tired.  still feeling under the weather and fighting mono (or mono-like affliction.)  my temperature is up tonight and i am readying tonight's bowl of soup for supper. 

i will eat a bite and begin the search for a new novel to read.  i always feel somewhat bad for the book i pick up after a stephen king because it never measures up.  i try to pick something totally different...just to be fair.

grace and peace

differences in perspective

since my last post i have been to therapy, trader joe's and the dreaded lowe's.  none of them were easy.  daddy had to go to lowe's with me, of course.  as i was waiting for him to pull his van around, the lowe's employee waiting to load the purchases asked me if i was "almost done" with the house.  i told him that the load we were picking up is supposed to be my last (new fiberglass front door and new storm door.)  he said, "i've seen you in here hundreds of times since the flood.  are you excited to get the house finished?"  i surprised him by answering a very firm and succinct "no!"  i told him i wanted to get all the stuff done and then "set it on fire!"  he gave a nervous smile and chuckle but quickly realized i was not kidding.  he wanted to know if the whole 18 months had been miserable.  i replied with a simple, "yes."

it is so hard to explain to people who haven't lived this that no matter what the house looks like it feels as if it will never be finished to me.  i still see concrete floors and bare studs where the walls are supposed to be. 

this photo was taken in the guest bedroom looking through what is supposed to be the wall that separates it from the kitchen.

it's impossible to explain that the house is the least significant loss the flood inflicted.  the emotional scars of losing "home" are far greater than losing a house.  the exhaustion of endurance and recovery is more shocking than the loss of any one "thing."  or of many things. 

the realization that trauma can change not just one's address or wardrobe or the color of paint on the walls or the perceived safety of home but that it changes the very idea of oneself.  i know that i am no longer the person who woke up the morning of may 2, 2010, while the rain was still falling, and my home was still "home." 

i'm reminded again and again of hemingway's quote, "the world breaks us all, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places."  while i am not the same, maybe, just maybe, i will survive the brokenness and have a certain strength to show for it. 

grace and peace

  

 

sequence of events

yesterday was a bust.  i began the day with one goal:  to clean my bathroom.  i quickly and easily took care of sink and toilet and sprayed the all-natural, non-toxic, environmentally-friendly shower and tub cleaner into the bathtub.  i had the french doors open in the dining room and sprayed just enough to do the job but it didn't take long for my already sore throat to cry out in agony and my lungs to fill with, albeit "harmless" substances, a foreign concoction not meant for human consumption.  after a few minutes outside, trying to catch my breath, i had to reach for my prescription inhaler (i don't have asthma but am extremely prone to bronchitis and therefore pneumonia.)  the inhaler helps but leaves me with shaking hands, erratic breathing and heart flutters, much like the hateful panic attacks that have plagued me for a year now.  before long i was outside in the spitting rain, doubled over, wheezing and mad as a hornet in the throws of a full-on panic attack. 

the anger comes from the undeniable fact that anything and everything is now so damn hard.  something simple like running a damp sponge over the tub leads to panic on par with grocery store visits and unexpected loud noises.  i was at times sure i couldn't survive it.  i left the tub untouched for hours until i couldn't take it anymore and went in to clean it quickly with a dish towel wrapped around my nose and mouth like an old west train robber.  i then waited at least another hour before i felt like it was safe to shower-at about 3 p.m.  i was up at 6 a.m.-a 9 hour day revolving solely around taking a shower. 

today i've begun the food watch.  i ate the last bowl of cereal with the last 1/2 cup of milk for breakfast this morning.  there was nothing here for lunch-NOTHING.  i will cook some pasta for dinner but i couldn't make myself do that midday.  i opted for going out to grab something at a drive-thru.  not easy for a vegetarian.  i went to starbucks (surprise, surprise!) but i needed coffee and they have a veggie "breakfast sandwich" that i can eat.)  that was lunch.  i will have to work on a grocery store visit in the next day or two but there's no way that i could manage it today. 

i'm angry today too.  it's too cool to be outside though the sunshine is deceiving.  i keep attempting to sit out and read but i only manage to make myself more upset.  fall is here and the sunshine is not enough to keep me warm on a day when the high is in the mid-50s and the wind refuses to die down.  i'm truly in a funk.

grace and peace 

i kinda hate to admit it but...

i'm angry today, very angry.  i have begun to feel extremely angry at the new residents in the neighborhood; those who did not live through the flood.  yes, they have bought homes in a flood zone, but they have new, updated, completed homes with no traumatic memories and no clue what the rest of us are still going through.  those of us recovering are living in the past and can see through our jaded, bloodshot eyes the world move on around us while we remain static.  it's as if our new neighbors are surrounded by force fields of seeming ease and comfort while we wrestle with ongoing construction, endless paperwork and the constant nervousness we feel in our own houses. 

tonight after i walked winston in my pajamas (with post-nap-not really a nap since i didn't sleep-don king hair) i stood talking to my next door neighbor for a few minutes.  we talked about the state of our houses, the foreclosure of the family across the street and the general anxiety of us all as we attempt to adjust to being people we don't want to be.  

the increased sleep i got last week as the result of my new medication has given way to restless, uncomfortable attempts this week.  my anxiety is up and my anger is off the charts.  it's supposed to rain tomorrow and i will try to "catch up" on sleep and get in to my new book (i made myself go out and pick up stephen king's new one today:  "11/22/63".)  i was out of the house not more than 75 minutes but it was exhausting and terrifying.  the bookstore (yes, my friends, we still have actual bookstores for the time being!) could have been on fire and stephen king himself could have checked me out and i wouldn't have noticed.  i have to get crazy "into the zone" before i can go anywhere by myself, so much so that i am unable to interact or remember any of it afterward.  

i do want to congratulate my best friend today for being cast as "kate" (the lead!) in shakespeare's "the taming of the shrew."  and congrats also to another dear friend for having her blog the learning hypothesis featured by a like-minded blogger and parent seeking to educate their kids (and all of us) through a hands-on, interactive, challenging curriculum.  i'm so proud of you both!

grace and peace (of which i am in particular need) 

"dead leaves and the dirty ground"

"i didn't feel so bad till the sun went down"  jack white

today is my least favorite day of the year--the day daylight savings time ends.  all it means to me is that i have a 25 hour day to dread the impending winter as opposed to a regular 24 hour day.  i do not get an extra hour of sleep; i suffer a palpable claustrophobia as the darkness begins to fall before the 5:00 hour. 

those of us with SAD (seasonal affective disorder) mourn the loss of evening sunlight like an old friend.  this year i'm particularly struck by something in my flood-ravaged neighborhood that i didn't notice last year:  the lack of fall colors.  our trees are damaged to the extent that the leaves don't do much but turn brown and fall.  no more are there brilliant reds, oranges and yellows to enjoy.  this picture of a bush in my back yard is a good example: 

 

the dull and dead part comes almost to my shoulders while the top of the bush offers a little bright red at eye-level.  18 months after the flood it seems an apt metaphor for the parts of my life that were lost and the parts that are struggling to survive while there is only a small part that remains untouched.  i don't know if the bush will recover, i don't know if it will ever be as glorious as it once was but i find some small encouragement that it hasn't given up.  

grace and peace    

tooth fairy, you are not welcome here!

i am starting to feel an off-the-charts level of guilt about not writing.  this blog is all that gets written these days.  while that's good, i cannot remember the last time i sat down to bang out a page or two on my latest story.  i continue to do the things i rely on for inspiration:  read stephen king novels, watch woody allen movies, listen to the who, but i cannot get to the place that allows me to produce anything.  my attention span shrinks daily and my motivation is along for the ride.  it's not writer's block, per se; i know what comes next...i just can't get it out.

i don't feel well today (starting to think this may be mono.)  just what i need, right?  cold, rainy and miserable outside and i cannot get warm no matter what i do.  my mood always corresponds closely to the weather and it is foul today!  the sun should be out tomorrow.  

tomorrow...one of two dominant reasons for my anxiety today.  i start EMDR therapy tomorrow for my PTSD.  i'm scared.  EMDR stands for "eye movement desensitization reprocessing."  from what i gather it uses eye movement to connect the right and left hemispheres of the brain to allow the patient (in this case, ME!) to attach feelings and emotions, heretofore unexperienced, to the events surrounding the trauma, in my case, the flood.   PTSD is the brains way of protecting the trauma victim from the event but it leaves the person stuck in the "fight or flight" pattern and does not allow them to experience, process and mourn the event and its many consequences.  

i think the long and the short of it is that i have intellectualized the losses, the events and the memories to the extent that, while i acknowledge their severity, i have avoided what it all "felt" like.  without feeling it all i will continue to be an outsider to my own experience and remain numb.  that's not really working for me.  it keeps me anxious and exhausted.

the second reason for my anxiety today is less clinical and more comical:  i am terrified of losing my teeth.  this thought has lingered for months and has reemerged as the #1 ridiculous fear brought on by the book i am reading.  i admit that there are many ways in which i would benifit if i listened more closely to my best friend.  she always has my back.  she told me years ago not to read stephen king's "the tommyknockers."  her reasons don't matter and my failure to listen doesn't really matter.  what matters is that i had listened i wouldn't be 500 pages into a 750 page novel in which nearly everyone has lost their teeth.  dozens upon dozens of passages concerning teeth and the losing thereof.  i won't stop reading for several reasons:  i'm 2/3 of the way through, it's one of the few king novels i haven't read, i hold out hope it will eventually inspire the above-mentioned need to write.  BUT people keep losing their teeth and it's freaking me out!!  

y'all know that this obsession with my teeth grew worse when my pug, winston, lost a tooth a while back...and now this novel!  i just can't imagine that i will get through all this without some freak tooth-related incident. 

grace and peace      

naptime

i have chronicled my lack of sleep for several weeks now.  yesterday morning my exhaustion reached comedic proportions as i got in the shower with my socks on.  it was upwards of a full minute before i even noticed.  i was able to drive to my doctor's appointment though i don't remember the trip.  the good news was that i was approved for the prescription assistance program that will allow me to get the ridiculously expensive sleeping pill that was impossible for me to afford with no insurance.  even with insurance it is hundreds of dollars a month. 

i don't know what people do that don't have the resources, education, will and abilities that i do.  i can see how it easy it would be to give up and go without.  while i am depleted and overwhelmed i am still able to fill out the paperwork, set up chaperones for trips to the store, read articles and books on PTSD and anxiety disorders, call and arrange for trauma counselling, etc.  knowing that there are so many people out there who wouldn't be able to accomplish these seemingly basic tasks in the best of times, let alone during and after a trauma, is heartbreaking.  

i started out a bleeding-heart liberal and have only had those convictions reinforced in the last 18 months.  in that time i have had to file for and accept unemployment, stand in line at churches for food, clothing and supplies in the aftermath of losing everything in the flood, take money from friends, family, my church, other churches and even strangers.  i am a smart, college-educated, middle-class person who saw for the first time what it is really like to be "in need."  it changes you.  it changed me. 

i've been sleeping most of the day, as a result of my utter exhaustion or the sleeping pill i haven't a clue.  it doesn't matter to me as long as i can get a little sleep.  after a nap (i hope) i need to force myself to clean up a little before the health department makes a visit to this pigsty.

grace and peace