sequence of events

yesterday was a bust.  i began the day with one goal:  to clean my bathroom.  i quickly and easily took care of sink and toilet and sprayed the all-natural, non-toxic, environmentally-friendly shower and tub cleaner into the bathtub.  i had the french doors open in the dining room and sprayed just enough to do the job but it didn't take long for my already sore throat to cry out in agony and my lungs to fill with, albeit "harmless" substances, a foreign concoction not meant for human consumption.  after a few minutes outside, trying to catch my breath, i had to reach for my prescription inhaler (i don't have asthma but am extremely prone to bronchitis and therefore pneumonia.)  the inhaler helps but leaves me with shaking hands, erratic breathing and heart flutters, much like the hateful panic attacks that have plagued me for a year now.  before long i was outside in the spitting rain, doubled over, wheezing and mad as a hornet in the throws of a full-on panic attack. 

the anger comes from the undeniable fact that anything and everything is now so damn hard.  something simple like running a damp sponge over the tub leads to panic on par with grocery store visits and unexpected loud noises.  i was at times sure i couldn't survive it.  i left the tub untouched for hours until i couldn't take it anymore and went in to clean it quickly with a dish towel wrapped around my nose and mouth like an old west train robber.  i then waited at least another hour before i felt like it was safe to shower-at about 3 p.m.  i was up at 6 a.m.-a 9 hour day revolving solely around taking a shower. 

today i've begun the food watch.  i ate the last bowl of cereal with the last 1/2 cup of milk for breakfast this morning.  there was nothing here for lunch-NOTHING.  i will cook some pasta for dinner but i couldn't make myself do that midday.  i opted for going out to grab something at a drive-thru.  not easy for a vegetarian.  i went to starbucks (surprise, surprise!) but i needed coffee and they have a veggie "breakfast sandwich" that i can eat.)  that was lunch.  i will have to work on a grocery store visit in the next day or two but there's no way that i could manage it today. 

i'm angry today too.  it's too cool to be outside though the sunshine is deceiving.  i keep attempting to sit out and read but i only manage to make myself more upset.  fall is here and the sunshine is not enough to keep me warm on a day when the high is in the mid-50s and the wind refuses to die down.  i'm truly in a funk.

grace and peace