since my last post i have been to therapy, trader joe's and the dreaded lowe's. none of them were easy. daddy had to go to lowe's with me, of course. as i was waiting for him to pull his van around, the lowe's employee waiting to load the purchases asked me if i was "almost done" with the house. i told him that the load we were picking up is supposed to be my last (new fiberglass front door and new storm door.) he said, "i've seen you in here hundreds of times since the flood. are you excited to get the house finished?" i surprised him by answering a very firm and succinct "no!" i told him i wanted to get all the stuff done and then "set it on fire!" he gave a nervous smile and chuckle but quickly realized i was not kidding. he wanted to know if the whole 18 months had been miserable. i replied with a simple, "yes."
it is so hard to explain to people who haven't lived this that no matter what the house looks like it feels as if it will never be finished to me. i still see concrete floors and bare studs where the walls are supposed to be.
this photo was taken in the guest bedroom looking through what is supposed to be the wall that separates it from the kitchen.
it's impossible to explain that the house is the least significant loss the flood inflicted. the emotional scars of losing "home" are far greater than losing a house. the exhaustion of endurance and recovery is more shocking than the loss of any one "thing." or of many things.
the realization that trauma can change not just one's address or wardrobe or the color of paint on the walls or the perceived safety of home but that it changes the very idea of oneself. i know that i am no longer the person who woke up the morning of may 2, 2010, while the rain was still falling, and my home was still "home."
i'm reminded again and again of hemingway's quote, "the world breaks us all, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places." while i am not the same, maybe, just maybe, i will survive the brokenness and have a certain strength to show for it.
grace and peace
you know i don't like hemmingway much, but i've always loved that quote.
ReplyDeleteat the very least, you won't have to go to lowes as much now that the major construction is done. and you don't have to see that guy, who doubtlessly has posted your photo in the break room to warn people. :)