Monday, March 30, 2020

more of the same

today i don't feel good.  i mean, i really don't feel good.  i'm not worse i'm just exhausted from the shortness of breath.  i feel like my lungs weigh 100 pounds a piece.  y'all, this virus is no joke.  

i applied for unemployment yesterday.  i wasn't sure i would able to since i'm self-employed but these are extraordinary times.  i hope that it is approved because i can't live without it.  my money is disappearing and i have nothing coming in.  i'm quarantined until at least april 8 and there is a mandatory closure of non-essential businesses until april 15.  i can't imagine for a minute that the date won't get pushed.  we are weeks from the apex of this.

i don't feel well enough to be anxious.  all i can do is concentrate on breathing.  maybe that's a blessing.  i'm unsure about everything right now but i'm not very anxious at the moment.  i am, however, anxious about not being anxious.  i'm worried that it will blindside me when i finally feel better.

i'm gonna try not to borrow trouble and keep doing what i'm doing.  i'm reading a lot of books and watching a lot of movies (and more tv than ever in my life) and listening to a lot of records.  i want to write more than i am but i don't really feel well enough to be creative in that way.  here's hoping it comes before this is over. 

grace and peace           




Thursday, March 26, 2020

virus from hell

well, y'all, is this surreal or what?  i'm having a hard time getting my mind around it.  i've had mild symptoms for about a week now.  my doctor's office is confident i have it and that i picked it up at my bookstore.  i really only spoke with a doctor because i have asthma and i wanted to be sure that i had a new inhaler handy just in case.  he called it in and CVS pharmacy mailed it to me.  i'm now quarantined until at least april 7 - which is my birthday.

i'm glad i closed the store when i did.  i've been closed since i left there on saturday the 14th.  unfortunately i ran a few errands on that weekend, and early last week, to stock up on groceries, etc.  i sure hope i didn't make anyone else sick. 

i'm anxious about the store being closed and no money coming in.  however, for some inexplicable reason, i'm only a little anxious.  maybe it's that i'm sick.  maybe it's that i can't do one single thing about it.  maybe it's that i know that no matter what happens - whether i'm closed a month or whether i never open again - that somehow i will be fine.  see, i've survived worse.

so many people are in my boat right now.  i am confident that we will pull together and survive this.  and there are so many folks who are very sick and dying and so many families who have already lost loved ones that my little bookstore and my chest pain and my shortness of breath seem inconsequential.

i'm angry that people still aren't taking it seriously.  i'm angry that huge corporations are putting profits ahead of people.  i'm angry that the federal government will bail out the corporations and that most of us will get a $1,200 check...in a few months.  how will $1,200 pay for months of my closed store?  how will $1,200 help a family who lost one or both incomes for weeks upon weeks. how will $1,200 help most people when it won't even cover one months rent?  

ugh...i'm exhausted.  take care of yourselves.  wash your hands, keep your distance when you have to go out, stay home as much as you can.

grace and peace 

      


Tuesday, March 3, 2020

disaster relief

a tornado struck nashville overnight:  22 dead and more missing.  i'm feeling a lot today.  there is no way to put into words the thoughts and emotions i'm feeling right now but i feel like i should try.

i wish i could say that sadness was the first emotion but it's not.  i am sad for the loss of life and for the loss of homes and businesses but i'm mostly anxious!  (of course, anxiety is the first emotion i feel on any given day.)  anytime a natural disaster hits i feel so bad for the victims because i know what they are feeling right now.  i know how scared and sad and exhausted they are.  i know they just want to get their hands on their loved ones or one tiny family heirloom and those things might not be possible.  might never be possible again.  they are, in the next few days, going to begin the long hard road of FEMA applications and hotel rooms, clean-up and recovery, tetanus shots and learning to live with everything in their lives being a replacement for something else.  it's devastating.  i hope others are better at it than i was/am.  i'm still not good at it.  

my therapist called and advised that i stay home today.  i had to go vote and check on the store (no damage in my neighborhood).  i put a sign on the door and came home.  i'm mostly anxiously pacing the floor.  i will open tomorrow.  i will hope to have a plan in place to accept donations.

remember that donations to national charities are important but consider giving to local churches or community organizations. local folks who actually put cash and necessities into the hands of those that need help right here in nashville (instead of the red cross or united way who accept donations in nashville but may send that money out of state to other deserving people but won't go to help your neighbors or neighborhoods).

i apologize for the disjointed nature of this post and some questionable grammar choices but my brain and my fingers aren't working as a team right this minute.  

(much needed) grace and peace