upon awakening: week 1

here we go with week 1 of songs that i wake up singing.  (yes, this list is mostly for me but i hope it will help me get back in the habit of blogging on a regular basis.  it really does help my anxiety and this seems like as good a way as any to write consistently.) 

 

for as long as i can remember i've woken up with a song in my head:  this will be a weekly list, friday-thursday:

 

friday 10/24:  "gimme three steps"  lynyrd skynyrd

saturday 10/25:  "take me with you"  prince

sunday 10/26:  "jackson"  johnny and june carter cash

monday 10/27:  "you're so vain"  carly simon

tuesday 10/28:  "temporary ground"  jack white

wednesday 10/29:  "i'll fly away"  hymn

thursday 10/30:  "the ballad of el goodo"  counting crows (cover of big star)

 

not a bad list, huh?

 

grace and peace

live blogging a panic attack

and here it is - panic.  i told myself i would write through it but it's really hard.  my hands are shaking so bad that every other word is misspelled and my tunnel vision prevents me from seeing the whole laptop screen.  i know what's going on:  i have a meeting with a friend of a friend tomorrow about a potential job/project.  i have to meet her at her house.  now, a HUGE part of my anxiety stems from going places alone and going to places i've never been before.  thankfully the house is only a couple of blocks from where i used to live so it's familiar territory but i'm terrified.

 

if this project didn't involve BOOKS i would back out so fast but i have to go.  i wonder if this lady would be shocked if i, as a 40 year old college grad with years of professional experience, showed up with my daddy?  it is the south, we girls love our daddys!  (i already made daddy go grocery shopping with me on friday.  i positively couldn't go alone and it was crucial that i stock the pantry.)

 

my heart hurts and my face and hands are numb!  i hate this!  the way i remember myself from BEFORE is that i wasn't afraid of much:  your garden variety spiders, loud noises and unease in parking garages.  now i'm terrified of running water, standing water, rain, sirens, flashing lights, kroger, passing cars, movie theaters, restaurants, people knocking on my front door, repairmen, mailmen, neighbors, outside - basically the outside world.  it's all so big and scary and risky.  i'm just not comfortable in it anymore.

 

while i dislike this house something fierce i dislike OUT THERE so much more.  breathing is labored and i'm starting to feel the numbness creep up my forearms.  and i have to go to this meeting tomorrow afternoon!!!!  

 

anxiety is not for sissies!

 

grace and peace     

commit me, please!

for more than 4 years i've been waiting for the one thing that would either kill me or drive me crazy.  i've mentioned before that i felt something inside me break when i suffered my last major loss, that of my siamese kitty, kentucky. 

 

i, along with my therapist, have decided that what i'm facing is some inpatient trauma therapy.  i had no idea that these places exist but apparently there are several of them around.  since i don't meet the level of "mentally ill" to check myself into a mental hospital, and since i don't have any addictions, i can't check myself into a rehab center but apparently with a PTSD diagnosis i am eligible for a trauma center.

 

there are several problems, of course, the first being that i don't have health insurance.  second, that means i have to hope and pray that one of these places will take me pro bono.  after several weeks of my therapist making calls it seems this won't be as easy as i had hoped.  the place nearest to home offers scholarships but it seems that's not what it sounds like.  they've turned me down. 

 

i feel like this treatment is necessary.  for almost 4 years i've been in therapy.  i've been seeing a psychiatrist and taking anti-anxiety medications for almost as long and i'm still fighting anxiety with all i have.  my agoraphobia is back with a vengeance since i've been out of work.

 

i started helping a friend at her jewelry store 3 days a week and that helps.  when i HAVE to be somewhere i can get there but on days when i have nowhere to go it's nearly impossible for me to leave the house.  some days i can't even go outside to walk the pug.  luckily for him i have a fenced-in yard.

 

grace and peace

 

   

song of the day

for as long as i remember i've woken up with a song in my head.  usually i cannot figure why the particular song is on my mind but i wake up singing nonetheless.  since i've not been posting a lot lately i thought i would pledge to keep a journal with the songs in my head upon waking.  i will post every thursday with the weeks list. 

 

staring today:

 

"you've got a friend"  james taylor

 

 

"You've Got A Friend"

When you're down and troubled and you need a helping hand
and nothing, whoa, nothing is going right.
Close your eyes and think of me and soon I will be there
to brighten up even your darkest nights.

You just call out my name, and you know where ever I am
I'll come running to see you again.
Winter, spring, summer, or fall, all you have to do is call and I'll be there, yeah, yeah,
you've got a friend.

If the sky above you should turn dark and full of clouds
and that old north wind should begin to blow,
keep your head together and call my name out loud.
Soon I will be knocking upon your door.
You just call out my name, and you know where ever I am
I'll come running to see you again.
Winter, spring, summer, or fall, all you have to do is call and I'll be there.

Hey, ain't it good to know that you've got a friend? People can be so cold.
They'll hurt you and desert you. Well, they'll take your soul if you let them,
oh yeah, but don't you let them.

You just call out my name, and you know where ever I am
I'll come running to see you again.
Winter, spring, summer, or fall, all you have to do is call, Lord, I'll be there, yeah, yeah,
you've got a friend. You've got a friend.
Ain't it good to know you've got a friend. Ain't it good to know you've got a friend.
Oh, yeah, yeah, you've got a friend.



august 1, 2014

while i'm catching things up...there has been some good news.  in fact, GREAT news.  my best friend had a baby.  here is mr. handsome on his birthday!

 

 

i didn't get to meet him until last week when he and his mama were in town for a friend's wedding.  he was 9 weeks old the first time i held him.  i love him,  i'm so thrilled he is in this world!

 

here he is on his last night in nashville, just hanging out on my couch.  i love you aimee and beckett!!

 

 

grace and peace



more of the same

job-hunting, interviewing, making decisions, accepting a job and then...one of my beloved cats, kentucky, got hit and killed by a car and something inside me BROKE.

 

 

whatever it was that's kept me hanging on slipped away and i felt my grip on everything let go.  for 4 1/2 years i've been waiting and worrying about one final thing what would break me, that would finally drive me crazy.  and that once i went crazy i would never be able to get back.

 

i worked for 2 weeks at a job that wasn't at all what they advertised.  the position wasn't the one they promised and my hours were not close to full-time so i had to leave.  i've interviewed at two companies since, to no avail. 

 

more loss.  LOSS:  one of my least favorite words!  that, and CLOSURE!

 

 

grace and peace