"when angry count to ten before you speak. if very angry, count to one hundred." thomas jefferson
"when angry, count to four; when very angry, swear." mark twain
good advice from both these great men! while i'm sure they never could have imagined posting on blogs, facebook or twitter the advice holds true. my struggle today is that i am angry and cannot determine why. now, anger is a comfortable emotion for me and a good ol' stand-by response if there is little else to turn to. i've tried as an adult to not resort to anger in every situation and to refrain from expressing it every time i feel it.
i know some of the reasons for my anger today but this isn't the forum for working those out so i won't belabor the point. one thing i am pleased with today is the weather--80 degrees and sunny. heavenly! one of the things i am angry about is that we are approaching the 2-year mark of the flood and it still rules my life. i'm tired. i'm tired of the fight and the mess and the fear. i'm tired of the constant reminders, questions and invading memories. i'm tired!
the constant anxiety i live with is exhausting. the loss of the confident person i once was is a much more harrowing result than the loss of "stuff" and "material possessions" that people are always telling me i'm "lucky" to have "just lost." as in: "stuff can be replaced, at least you are okay." "the house is finished and you've replaced your things." and "aren't you glad it's over and everything is back to normal?" really? nothing's over and nothing is back to normal. invaluable things are gone that can never be replaced and everything i now own is a replacement for something that was ripped from me.
the road is long and hard. and i'm tired. i'm almost 2 years removed and i'm still lost. i'm still scared. i'm still replacing things. i'm still traumatized. i still think of my life as "pre-flood" and "post-flood." so those are a few of the things i'm angry about today.
i need...
grace and peace
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