here's the only way i know to describe it:
4 years ago tonight i feel as if i was diagnosed with a terminal disease that won't kill me. i feel like i've just been waiting to die. not constantly fearing my death - i have a great faith and believe in Heaven and believe 100% that i will spend eternity there - it's a waiting.
as if my car tires lifted off the ground as i drove through the raging water and, 4 years later, they have yet to touch ground. so much of me died that day: who i was, who i thought i was, my belief in my future, my belief in myself, my sense of safety and security, my fearlessness, my self-assuredness, my ease.
now i'm 4 years removed and it feels as if it's all happening RIGHT NOW! they describe PTSD as the brain "shutting down" to protect itself therefore keeping itself in the HERE and not allowing it to process memories as the PAST. so here i am.
i'm grateful that i have a have a job to go to - that part of the day passed without fanfare. now i'm home and the tears won't stop, my heart won't stop pounding, i can't stop pacing, i can't eat, i didn't sleep at all last night. i don't hold out much hope for tonight. i wish i were a person who could just let anniversaries pass without dwelling on them but i'm not that person. i feel them. i REALLY feel them.
3 1/2 years of anxiety (the anxiety didn't start until i moved back into the house in october 2010) and i feel like i'm just waiting to die. waiting. to. die.
it's not a good feeling, it's not a normal feeling, it's just what i feel. i am grateful for a good many things: it didn't rain today, i have a good job that i love, i came home to my sweet pets, i have the weekend to process and (hopefully) relax. i have friends who know EXACTLY what i'm going through because it happened to them too, i have a God who is bigger than my anxiety and i didn't die in the flood (some people did!)
grace and peace
No comments:
Post a Comment