reality invades

today fear and anxiety have completely taken over.  panic over my financial situation, not to mention my mental state, has set in hard.  there's nothing new to report re: options concerning the house, etc.  it's just that now with every thing i do and/or use:  the food i consume, the soap i use to wash my hands, changing the cat litter, the electricity used to turn on this computer, a light, my ipod i am reminded that i have no means to replace what is being used.  therefore i eat, shower, live in a constant state of anxiety and feel guilty and scared with every breath i take. 

i feel utterly helpless and alone. i am in shock at being here.  being homeless once was hard enough i can't imagine being able to survive being homeless twice inside of 2 years.  it has become increasing clear that should i lose this house i have nowhere to go. 

the once elusive tears have flowed freely today.  so freely in fact that my face is chapped from walking winston with leaky eyes and nose.  i don't remember the last time i left to house to do more than walk the dog.  i am terrified of using all the gas in the car.  i have several things "planned" for this week:  a family birthday, lunch with a friend, a visit with my little brother who is in town, therapy on friday, but right now none of that seems possible.

maybe sleep would help, maybe some real food would help, maybe posting this will help.  i don't know.  i do know that prayers will help so please keep them coming.

grace and peace