well, it's bound to take your life.
there's a bad moon on the rise."
CCR
i bought this house in late march and moved in the first week of april, 2005, subtract the 5 months it was uninhabitable after the flood, that means i've lived here 6 years and 4 months. if my math is right that's 76 months/76 phases of the moon. lately i have noticed these phases more than ever before. my anxiety no longer allows me to sit/lie on the couch in the dark and watch my laptop or read my iPad when the moon is overhead because i can see it in my skylight and it scares me. i see it out of the corner of my eye and i flinch every time.
because i feel like i walk around with a bullseye on my back anyway this only adds to that surreal feeling of being watched over. it's like the famous spotlight-in-the-eye police interrogation from so many movies. only this is the moon--that is always there--that cannot under any circumstance make me talk--and yet it causes so much anxiety. seeing it hang there in all that nothingness that i am forces me to either turn on the lights so it's not so noticeable or get up and retire to the bedroom out of its reach.
the things this anxiety makes me think of, makes me fear, still puzzles me. it can literally attach itself to anything and make everything seem like a threat.
grace and peace and moonless nights
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