the first snowflakes of the season are falling and i am faced with accepting that my cat, maeve, is gone. i told myself i would hold out hope until mid-january and it seems like the time has come to finally let her go. i don't know what happened to her. i just hope she wasn't in pain at the end. i miss her. she was such a sweet girl.
it is so hard to lose a pet. i live alone accept for them and they are my greatest loves. by design i am as close to a hermit as can be and go days/weeks with only my pets for company. i believe that to have pets is to spoil pets and mine rule this house. this is the third pet lost in the last 2 years. i lost an 18 year old cat , maggie, right before the flood then i lost a 17 year old dog, sage, last spring. both were old and sick and i had to make the decision to have them put to sleep. that is a hard choice but the right one when the time comes. this is worse--she was only 7 and i don't know what happened to her.
i feel guilty for leaving her out that night and i feel guilty that my emotions are so stunted (because of the PTSD, the anxiety, the medication, whatever) that i am unable to be as sad as i feel i should be. the numbness that i live with is a defense mechanism but it is also an albatross. i am no longer the person i was and i am unable to feel like i used to. i wonder if that will ever come back?
i know if she had been able to she would have come home. i hope that she's been dead this whole time and not hurt or suffering somewhere.
grace and peace
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