be still my beating heart

so much of my anxiety is a fear of the unexpected:  a knock at the door, my iphone signalling a text message received, winston barking at a noise only audible to dogs or superheroes.  tonight i was 20 minutes into a movie when i heard the deafening sound of sirens approaching the house.  in the time it took to disengage myself from the pug and the snuggie (no small feat on either front) there were 2 fire engines, 2 police cars and an ambulance parked just across the street. 

the panic was immediate:  my heart started to race, my hands to sweat and shake, lips to tingle and legs to stand unmoved from my front window.  i have never been one of those people who slows down to stare at car accidents on the other side of the highway.  i am not by nature nosy or even inquisitive about other people.  but i stood in that window peaking out like like my very life depended on it.  in fact, that's exactly how it felt.

on the night of the flood i stood in that window while on the phone with my brother saying, "i'm on my way out.  there is a man in a canoe on my street!"  fire trucks had already blocked one of the two entrances to the subdivision closest to me (and closest to the river of course) so there was only one way out. i left here not knowing where to go; the last we had heard all the roads were closed and we were stuck.  seeing those lights again tonight triggered that fear that is always just under the surface waiting to erupt. 

i am concerned for my neighbor who was eventually taken to the hospital in the ambulance.  i don't know her but i do know her husband.  i hope she is well.  but i will admit that the fact that it seemed to be a minor medical issue as opposed to a crime or a fire or something eased my mind more that it should have.

i watched the rest of the movie while fighting off a full-blown panic attack.  now, 2 hours later, i am still trying to calm myself down.  my heart hurts.  i know that tomorrow i won't even remember the name of the movie i watched but i fear i will always remember the fear those sirens bring on.

the chances of me being able to read are slim so i may try to put on a comedy, one that i know by heart, "the breakfast club" or "clue" or something and try to lose myself in the familiar jokes and dialogue.  my heart could some soothing.

grace and peace