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"the only thing we have to fear is...fear itself"  FDR

"it is not death or pain that is to be dreaded, but the fear of pain or death."  ralph waldo emerson

 

it happened yesterday...the dreaded knock at the door.  i hid!

okay, i'm that 1%.  i always have been but since this anxiety took over my life i have lived in utter terror of someone knocking on my door:  being taken by surprise is the fear, i guess.  well, i panicked...but i didn't die.  i was sure i would.  i guess that should be enough to disprove my hypothesis that a knock will bring on a fatal heart attack but today i have tensed at the sound of every car door closing for fear that it's the precursor to the KNOCK.

today i went out (ear packed with an excess of cotton) to walk winston and as i got 2 or 3 paces into the driveway i was approached by a woman i had never seen asking if i had found my missing cat.  it seems her cat has also disappeared.  she admitted to being the big, scary knocker of my door yesterday.  i can't describe both the relief and anger i felt at that moment.  relief that i knew who it was--anger that she could be so callous...(notice the lack of anger at myself that i allowed something so harmless to terrify me and that i was imagining myself beating her to a pulp!)...it was no surprise that she was NOT a flood victim. 

i've not written in a few days because i've been plagued by the worst ear infection of my life.  the only good thing i can say about it is that my anxiety has taken a back burner to the pain.  it's the first time in more than a year that i've had anything on my mind more than my own fears and anxieties.  this week it's been "my ear hurts!, my ear HURTS!, MY EAR HURTS!"  that's it (at least until cat lady knocked.)  i miss my maeve.  i hope both kitties come home!

just a short diatribe about politics, though i don't think health care should be political, i've been thinking a lot this week about the uninsured in this country:  the poor, the unemployed (in my case), the self-employed, the homeless, the unfortunate who for whatever reason can't afford health insurance.  i've suffered with a simple earache but cannot seem to make a dent in the infection without an antibiotic and can't afford either the drug or the doctor's visit it would require to get it.  (my doctor is another thing i lost the week of the flood--he moved his practice out of state--so i don't even have the ability to have him call me in anything and beg, borrow or steal to pay for it!)  i wonder what happens to people who get really sick? 

grace and peace