firstly, my little brother's surgeries both went well and he's already out of the hospital. prayers that he will be pain free soon! the time spent at the hospital was anxiety-inducing for me, of course, and i'm now sick as a dog. i got home after monday's surgery and spent all night long lying on the bathroom floor/hugging the toilet. i don't know if it's stress related or if i picked up a bug at the hospital. either way i'm down and out!
none of the anxiety there equalled the panic i felt on saturday when i accompanied my mother to test-drive a car at the nissan dealership where i bought my post-flood car. 5 weeks after the flood i spent an agonizing day buying a car i didn't want (only because my pre-flood car was paid for and in great shape--i like my new car) and i was having to replace it along with EVERYTHING else. i rode with her for one test-drive then left to eat lunch and visit with a friend. on my way back to nashville i stopped by to see the car she decided to buy and was struck with severe panic over the thought of having to step foot into the loan manager's office where i signed all my final papers. i couldn't go in with her instead i sat in the show-room looking crazy both because of my attempt to calm myself with slow, loud, yoga breathing and also my occasional elvis sing-along to the weekly saturday elvis special on the radio (this is tennessee after all!)
upon seeing her car and leaving the dealership i had to pull my nissan over into the mcdonald's parking lot to calm my panic attack before i could get on the interstate for the 50 mile drive home. it was awful. since i had gotten a haircut while in dickson i was itchy from both the anxiety and the hair-covered sweatshirt i was wearing so i jumped in the shower when i got home and stood under the HOT water until my skin was lobster-red and i could breathe evenly. it seems that though my panic attacks are less frequent they are much more intense when they come. perhaps not a good trade-off. i can't tell.
grace and peace
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