retroactive anxiety

i didn't get out today until about 4 pm.  having not slept well last night (of course) i tried all day to nap.  i relished the first day in weeks that i've not been plagued with a headache so i took the opportunity to watch a german documentary on the grandiose, megalomaniacal artistic and architectural visions of hitler and the nazi party, "architecture of doom."  since my head was not hurting i was able to read the subtitles!

finally after an hour long nap (score!) i showered and dressed for a walk with winston.  it's a dreary, depressing february day.  grey and cool though not really cold.  i opened the front door to find a letter taped to my storm door.  immediately i felt panic rise.  someone had been at the door!  it was from my homeowners association.  my guess is they didn't even knock just taped it up.  surely winston would have barked.  i still felt nervous and vulnerable.  i ripped it from the door and pitched it onto the chair by the door where it still sits.  it's like my kryptonite.  i won't touch it.  some stranger was at my door and i don't like it.  the entire walk i glanced at all my neighbors front doors to see if they got it too (just in case!)  they did.  

i have a feeling it's in regard to the "flood preparedness" meeting that was held on thursday night at a church down the street.  i'm sure they meant well and i'm sure some people went and that it helped them but i can't even hear the word "flood" and not flinch.  and what in the hell can one do to be prepared for a flood?!  there is nothing we could have done to prevent the last one and nothing we can do to prevent another one.  though i don't fear another flood (thank goodness because i am still experiencing the last one!) i can't think of anything to do preparation wise.  maybe keep a bag packed in case i have to run for my life again, maybe buy a water-proof, fire-proof lock box for important papers...guess what?  i don't have any important papers anymore...birth certificate-gone...mortgage papers-gone...tax records...gone...

so i panicked.  over a letter taped to my door and a meeting i didn't attend.  it's what i'm calling "retroactive anxiety."  it sucks!  an being outside for 20 minutes brought on a headache.  was it the adrenaline rush or the fact that i'm allergic to EVERYTHING outside?  i don't know, but i see a benadryl in my future...

grace and peace