lost and found

for the last 2 days i've been looking everywhere for a notebook with a good deal of research in it for a writing project i've started but have had neglected for a long while.  i'm really trying to get back to writing on a regular basis which is why you're hearing from me now.  

i've been in a panic about losing months of research when it finally occurred to me this morning while opening the store that the one place i've not looked is in the backseat of my car.  i never have anyone back there and my car is a wasteland for stuff i just can't bear to drag into the house.  don't judge me:  i've moved the store and the house a total of 6 times in the last 2 1/2 years and there're always those last couple of boxes of random stuff that i don't use everyday that i run out of energy to deal with.

when i got home from the store i opened the bag in the floorboard behind the driver's seat and there was the lost notebook with a surge protector and baseball cap.  crisis averted!

and the day was a good one in other ways too.  an unreal list of my friends came to visit today:  ellie, jonathan (my wonderful brother), pattie, rebecca, greta and katie.  what a lovely surprise.  the sales day was good but not great.  my daily need was surpassed but i'm still stressed about the slow overall sales (though the week has been a good one).

to top the day off i talked to my bff in florida and my football and hockey teams both won.  if i were a different person i would feel great but i honestly feel anxious about tomorrow because it's not possible to have 2 days like this in a row.  isn't that terrible?  i should count my blessings and let tomorrow come but i have anxiety and that's hard for me.  i always dread the other shoe dropping.  it's, no doubt, worse now that i own a business because i'm so aware of how everyday has to go in order to keep the business afloat.  ugh.  i'm gonna turn this gadget off, say my prayers and read a bit.  i'll face tomorrow if i'm blessed enough to get it.

grace and peace 

reality

i don't remember what living without anxiety feels like.  

i want to run away and spend all day everyday in art museums and bookstores.  but i also want running water and to eat and to have my pug with me all the time.  so i have to have a place to live and a job.

i love owning my own business but it's hard work and i'm tired. i also don't remember a time when I wasn't tired.

but what do i say?

i told my friend daniel that i felt like writing tonight but i have no idea what i want/need to say.  his blog is always an inspiration to me but he succeeds where i spin.  his writing is focused and mine is a purging.  i sit in front of this empty screen and try to give voice to the anxiety in my brain and the way my body fights and/or gives in.  

tomorrow marks 10 months the bookstore has been open in the new location.  mostly things are great.  money is tight.  the book business has changed.  i'm looking for ways to make more money and stretch the dollars that come in.  luckily the store pays for itself - it's paying me that's the current problem.  as you can imagine, that fact is not an easy one for someone with, at times, debilitating anxiety.

my brother just called - he helps my anxiety though we had to talk politics.  he opened with, "i'm not gonna talk long, but..." because he knows i tend to rant and rave.  today and tomorrow are my days off so i hope to enjoy them and rest a little.

grace and peace

what we owe our boys

reflecting today on what is happening in our society and in our schools.  we absolutely have a gun problem in this country. i don't want to write about that today, i've written about that ad nauseam and i've argued it ad nauseam.  i want to talk about what we teach to our children (full disclosure - i don't have kids) specifically what we teach our boys.  

these schools shooters are almost always boys and almost always white.  why is that?  what are we teaching (or not teaching) our boys?  there seems to be a pattern in the past of these young men - they are almost always obsessed with guns and violent video games, they are almost always bullied in some way, they almost always exhibit violent behavior against women in their lives.  likely they seek fame and infamy in a culture where we glorify killers and give hours and days of 24 hour news coverage to these mass murderers.

what i believe is that we teach our boys (systematically and mostly unconsciously) that the world is theirs, that they can be anything and do anything, that girls are objects of their desire and for their pleasure, that they are special, that they are superior, that they are strong, that they are entitled.

what we don't teach them is that they are part of a community of "others," that the world is not solely theirs, that they WILL be disappointed, that they will be broken-hearted, that they will be scared. we call them "sissies" and "pussies" and "wusses" and "girls" when they show emotion or drop a ball or show vulnerability.  we tell them they "run like a girl" when they lose.  we instill in them that girls are weak and that they should be strong and therefore dominant. 

we don't let them be boys, we don't let them figure it out on their own, we don't let them grow, we don't teach them how to be in touch with their emotions.  we make them angry, we call them names, we tell them they have to "man up." we ply them with video games in which they earn points for the number of prostitutes they kill (grand theft auto) and then we give them easy and almost unfettered access to guns.  what in the world do we think they are going to do?  we've given them no coping mechanisms in which to deal with the hard world we all live in.  entitlement is a killer.  we've seen it 18 times this year alone.      

when is the time?

if now is not the time, when is the time?  if it's "too early" to talk about sane gun laws when will it be too late?

NOW IS THE TIME!  for many kids there will not be a later time.  

another year over

all i can think about today is that somehow, through no effort of my own, i have lived a whole calendar year on this planet without my daddy. when he died i didn't think i would live through the end of that day.  i was so surprised when i woke up the next morning.  i still have a hard time understanding how my heart continues to beat while his doesn't.  

i have hated most of this year but i could at least say, "last year daddy was here."  tomorrow i won't be able to say that anymore and it HURTS!

i got nothing else.

housekeeping

i don't know what to write about today but i feel compelled to write anyway.  i've not felt well this week so my anxiety has been high.  got a couple of days off now and am pleased with how the store is doing but it's hard to feel removed from the goings on there.  i try not to constantly check my phone for info on sales, etc. but mostly i lose that battle.  got my weekly paperwork done already this morning so there's that.

the house is a disaster area so i have to do a few things here before the health department shows up and shuts me down.  i mananged to do the thing i dreaded most first thing this morning:  the kitchen.  what i want to do is sit here under the pug and cat and read a book - that's not likely to happen but a girl can dream.

the dining room table is about to collapse under the weight of all the books stacked on it.  trying to find places for them but in order to do that I have to decide which books can leave the house and make their way to the store and that, my friends, is a sacrifice and a constant struggle.  

i don't watch a lot of tv but i do like a few shows and now that i get home after 8:00 most nights i miss the couple of things i like so i usually catch up on my off days.  vowed not to turn the tv on today until the house is in better shape.  listened to one podcast this a.m. and have to get up and put all the clothes away because they are stacked up on top of the record player that i need to access for today's entertainment.  

off i go.

grace and peace