the anxious mind

my anxiety is very high these days.  the workday is fine but the minute i leave i feel it rise to near-panic attack level.  i can't figure out if it's because i have to keep it together while at work and then i let down when i leave and fall apart or if it's another one of the anxiety-inducing things on my mind.

 

tonight was the first night i drove home in the dark.  that does not make me happy!  reminds me of the undeniable fact that it's almost september, the impending fall and the dreaded winter not far behind.  the death toll on the big, scary electric signs on the interstate now stands at 666.  it went up 5 today! 

 

i had begun to feel like a horrible person because i so dreaded seeing the '666' that i was almost hoping the number would jump to 667 and then i realized what that would mean.  1 more precious life gone.

 

last night on my way home i got so angry when i drove by a little restaurant that i used to visit with some regularity and saw a group of friends visiting in the tiny parking lot.  my immediate reaction was:  i can't do that anymore.  i can't go there - it's too noisy, the tables are too close together, it's not a pre-approved "safe place" now.  i was reminded of how far i have to go.  how much work there is yet to be done.  how tired i am and how different i am.

 

headaches have plagued me this week and i am once again going to attempt an early bedtime and at least a few hours of sleep.

 

grace and peace



cornbread and cat toys

long day at work today.  didn't sit down all day!  it's still hard to get used to.  i'm so thankful for this job.  it's just perfect for me right now.  it's the only job i've ever had that didn't feel like a waste of a good day!  :)  if only the money allowed me to have some breathing room...

tonight i let my aunt feed me dinner (pinto beans and cornbread) and let my dad give me $20 gas money, a jar of peanut butter and a box of crackers to tide me over until payday on friday. 

i'm still struggling daily with my anxiety but it does seem to abate some while i'm at work because i'm busy all day.  today, though, i was worried about my pug because he ate a cat toy over the weekend and it was causing some problems.  i believe we're out of the woods on that score - he's back to himself tonight. 

i think i will turn off all the gadgets and take my book to bed.  i feel a little overwhelmed and exhausted and do not need to spend any time catching up on "news" like i do some nights about this time.  i'll just take the easy way out and watch "the daily show" in the morning.  

grace and peace 

  

unsettled

today is one of those days...

i don't want to read anything, watch anything, listen to anything, go anywhere or otherwise interact.  i thought for a while about going to my brother's to watch the olympics but thought better of it due to my general moodiness and the amount of gas needed for the 70 mile round trip. 

there's no food here and no energy and/or money to rectify the problem.  i have one potato and i thought of mashed potatoes and green beans (somehow i have a can of green beans!) only to remember that i don't own a mixer anymore.  is it possible that i've not cooked mashed potatoes since the flood?  well, i'll have to settle for a baked potato, then!

it's unseasonably cool outide today (low 80s) so i've spent some blocks of time outside sitting, staring directly into the sun, or making winston walk more than he bargained for today.

i guess i'll continue to pick up a book, put it down, turn on music, listen to a song or two and turn it off, try to concentrate long enough to watch an episode of a sitcom and then lose my place or get to the end and realize i've not actually seen it.  ugh!!

i hate these days.  these are the only days when i miss not having a TV.  with a TV at least i could flip channels until midnight and not know where the time went.

grace and peace  

school year blues

this is weird but i'm starting to get really nervous about all my friends going back to work.  they all work at schools and the semester is about to start.  even though i now have a job of my own i feel very nervous about not having access to them during the week.  my anxiety rears it's head all over the place. 

i feel the same sense of dread i did when i was a student being herded back into another school year of less-than-fulfilling classes and busy work.  though my routine won't change i feel cheated by the absence of my friends.

part of my dread may be related to the impending fall (and it's weather) though i won't have to face said fall until october or so here in tennessee.  i hate winter and all that it brings so fall is just an every day reminder of what is to come...

sleep hasn't been coming easy (shocker!) so i'm exhausted tonight.  think i'll take my book and head to bed.

grace and peace

welcome to the world, evans!

i have a new nephew as of 8:24 this morning.  i won't be able to get out of town and see him (and family) until saturday.  i hate that i wasn't there.  i was at the hospital when all 4 of my other nieces and nephews were born.  a new job and other circumstances kept me in nashville today instead of a hospital in mississippi.  can't wait to hold him!

he's beautiful, don't ya think?

grace and peace and gratitude

heat wave

the air conditioning has been on the fritz at work and my brain is a bit fried.  it got fixed today in the nick of time:  i was about to spontaneously combust.  i just wanted to stop in and say hello before retiring to finish my book.  when i'm within 50 pages of the end of a book all things stop until i've finished.  i'm rereading a favorite, "the shadow of the wind", in anticipation of the sequel.  as soon as "stairway to heaven" ends i will turn off the iPod and read.

i love the 4 day work week that i have.  it's amazing to me the difference in a 4 day vs. a 5 day week.  of course, i know the books have a lot to do with it as well.  i'm really enjoying the job (air conditioning crisis notwithstanding.) 

anxiety continues to plague me, but not so much during my work hours so i consider that a blessing.

grace and peace

constantly cloudy skies

i know we need the rain but the constant downpours are starting to make me very uneasy.  winston doesn't want to go out, the cats are angry with me and i am feeling anxious and melancholy.  cleaned up a little this morning only to have the cats track in mud with every attempt at outside play.  they have retired for the day, accepting that the rain has overruled them.  i am still fighting it and anxiously waiting for dark to come so i don't have to look out on the rain-soaked patio/backyard.

i broke down and rented a redbox movie for tonight because i can't stand the constant freezing up of this old computer.  i just want to escape this day with my clean sheets, pets and robert downey, jr. as sherlock holmes.

is 7:00 pm too early to go to bed?

grace and peace and sunny skies (eventually)