i
drove home tonight shaking like a drunk and sweating like a whore in
church.
daddy
came to be with me at work for the last couple of hours – that was a big
help. but the minute i started north
from work i started to feel like i was “under water.”
my
vision began to change, my heart to pound and i had to turn the radio off
because the noise was too much. i just
kept thinking that if i could get in the house and shut out the outside world then
i wouldn’t have to think about it. i could
just eat my dinner and be with my pets.
first
i had to make it there. i almost came
home by the interstate and luckily remembered that if i did that i would have
to drive across the river and i can’t do that – today of all days. i came north on briley and closed my eyes when
the river came into view on my left about a half a mile from my exit. just how would i have explained that
if i had caused an accident?
that
was the least of my worries. my head was
pounding, i was talking to river as if it could hear and understand my anger
and grief. i’ve hated that river for 3
years for what it did to me. but it just
did what rivers do: 20 inches of rain in
36 hours is simply too much, it had to break free. but i still can’t. i’m afraid and i’m anxious and i’m angry and i’m
tired.
there
is so much that day did to me but the worst of it is that it made me into
somebody i’m not. i was never anxious, i
was never afraid of anything. and now i’m
a big coward. i’m afraid of so many
things that make me feel crazy. i’m
afraid of suffering from PTSD my whole life.
i’m afraid that i won’t be able to get better until i can get out of
this house and it’s now worth a whole lot less than i paid for it and whole lot
less than i owe.
i
love my job but i don’t make enough to qualify for an apartment, let alone a
house, even if i were able to unload this heap!
i
lost my safety, my sanity, my boldness, my self-assurance that day. none of the “stuff” – the physical things –
that i lost can compare to the feelings that changed in me and the loss of me.
i’ve
made it to 10:45 and i think i’ll turn out the lights, get into bed and watch
an episode of some mindless tv show. i’ve
earned that much.
grace
and peace
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