imagine with me, if you will, something significant that happened to you in 2010: a special birthday, an anniversary, a birth, death, a book you read, a movie you love; imagine all that's happened to you since then. now imagine that every day of that time - since that one special day or one memorable event - you have had to relive not that special event but the worst thing that's ever happened to you. for 5 years every day has been a constant reminder of the worst time in your life.
that's the only way i realistically know how to convey what PTSD feels like. PTSD steals your life, it steals who you are and keeps your brain stuck in the most terrible of moments. intellectually i know it's 2015 and not 2010 but you can't convince my heart or my gut of that.
may 2 is the hardest day of the year for me in that the calendar is in line with my memory and my emotions. it's about SO much more that one, long ago, may 2. the date conjures the aftermath as well as the events of the actual flood. it's not just the driving through water in my neighborhood and accepting that i would die or sitting on the side of briley parkway waiting to die after my car quit. it's the shock, the visual of all my soaked belongings piled in my front yard, the cuts, bruises, scrapes, sore muscles, tears, rages, standing in line for 5 hours for a building permit, having to take daddy with me for a tetanus shot, the aches, pains, fears, the begging for money, the paperwork, the 16 hour days rebuilding, the many hours at lowes, the decisions, the aloneness, the helplessness, the bills, bills and more bills.
i didn't just lose 36 years of things - i lost the things that really matter: peace, security, comfort, HOME. i lost returning home at the end of the day to the one place that brings respite. i don't have that anymore. 5 years later it's still missing.
today i acknowledge and mourn the lives that were lost. i made it out with my pets and for that i am eternally grateful. 11 lives were lost. i'm glad i don't know the number of animals lost.
i am grateful i had a job to go to today (though i cried for a good deal of the day), i am grateful daddy came to check on me, i am grateful yesterday was payday so i could go to the bookstore after work (today is independent bookstore day - I won't tell how much i spent), i am grateful the pets are safe and happy. i am grateful that the day is almost over, i am grateful tomorrow i celebrate the birthday of one of my dearest, i am grateful for all i have. i pray that i never take one single article for granted.
don't get PTSD. it's not worth it. it hurts.
grace and peace.
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