ten years today since the flood. it feels like a lifetime. it also feels like one continuous event that has a definite beginnning but no discernible end.
in light of the events of the last several weeks i find that some of the anxieties i haven't felt in a while are back: the sensitivity to sirens, the disdain for filling out forms, AKA begging for money, (for unemployment, for a small business loan, for any and all help for which i'm eligible), and an overwhelming agoraphobia.
i've been behind the wheel of my car only 4 times in 6+ weeks. three times i went to my bookstore (1 mile from my home) and once i went to get a COVID-19 test (about 10 miles roundtrip). when i was sick i didn't have the energy to feel my anxiety but now that i'm symptom-free it's here with a vengeance. just in time for this anniversary. ugh. i avoid social media and all local news on this day. it helps. i avoided a breakdown today until the 23rd hour.
at 11:00 pm i happened upon a hill street blues rerun. the music from the opening credits (if you're my age or older you know what i mean!) sent me into an emotional frenzy. once the tears started to flow it took a while to get them to stop.
i'm wrung out. i do my best not to let the day get to me. but my body knows and responds anyway. it's a quarter till midnight. i will watch for the clock to greet may 3 (my best friend's birthday) and i will fall into bed.
grace and peace and more peace, please
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