28 months and counting...

today:  could only leave the house to walk winston even though i desperately needed to go out to the bank.  i did manage to make one of the dreaded phone calls that i've needed to make for weeks re: my school loan.  couldn't get it deferred but i did get the payment reduced.  not that it really matters - i can't pay it.

 

i'm so tired of constantly feeling the effects of the flood.  not just once in a while - but ALL THE TIME.  it still rules my life.  the unfinished house, the unpaid bills, the stress, the anxiety, the feeling of being in danger 24 hours a day, the inability to do the little things, the constant and overwhelming FEAR. 

 

i remain exhausted and i continue to struggle with debilitating headaches (one of the reasons i couldn't go out today, i was afraid to drive with my head hurting this bad.)  i have to go out tomorrow for my therapy appointment and the promised trip to my brother's for the tennessee football game.  here's hoping i can make it. 

 

i keep being reassured that my only mistake in how i'm coping with the flood is the misperception that 2 years is enough time to recover from having everything ripped away in a matter of minutes.  it seems like a ridiculously LONG time but i'm assured that i lost a LIFETIME and that 2 years is only the beginning.  GREAT!

 

grace and peace

headache, day 3

yes, it is only 3:30.  yes, i've already eaten my late lunch/early dinner.  and yes, i may be headed to bed soon.  my headache is still here, my stomach is upset and i want this day to end. 

 

i had an anxious day yesterday in anticipation of today:  i had both my first DAR meeting this morning and a scripture reading (john 1:1-4:42) in front of my church congregation (also streaming live) at 1:00.  i made it through both of those without my anxiety bothering me but now i'm as exhausted as if i had chaired the meeting and written the scripture. 

 

it's so hard to do things that once would have been easy.  when they asked me to say a little bit about myself at the DAR meeting this morning i couldn't think of a thing to say.  i just feel as if i'm going through the motions of this life and that i have nothing left and that i am a shell of my former self.  i managed the requisite, "i was born in raised in nashville, my family has been in tennessee for at least 8 generations, i went to lipscomb, i work at rhino books" and then...nothing.  i don't feel like i have anything to say to "normal" (meaning non-flood victims) people anymore. 

 

i think maybe winston and i will pile up in bed and turn on a movie, it doesn't really matter what.  he's still feeling the aftereffects of his BATH yesterday--meaning he's as exhausted as i am.

 

grace and peace 

the anxious mind

my anxiety is very high these days.  the workday is fine but the minute i leave i feel it rise to near-panic attack level.  i can't figure out if it's because i have to keep it together while at work and then i let down when i leave and fall apart or if it's another one of the anxiety-inducing things on my mind.

 

tonight was the first night i drove home in the dark.  that does not make me happy!  reminds me of the undeniable fact that it's almost september, the impending fall and the dreaded winter not far behind.  the death toll on the big, scary electric signs on the interstate now stands at 666.  it went up 5 today! 

 

i had begun to feel like a horrible person because i so dreaded seeing the '666' that i was almost hoping the number would jump to 667 and then i realized what that would mean.  1 more precious life gone.

 

last night on my way home i got so angry when i drove by a little restaurant that i used to visit with some regularity and saw a group of friends visiting in the tiny parking lot.  my immediate reaction was:  i can't do that anymore.  i can't go there - it's too noisy, the tables are too close together, it's not a pre-approved "safe place" now.  i was reminded of how far i have to go.  how much work there is yet to be done.  how tired i am and how different i am.

 

headaches have plagued me this week and i am once again going to attempt an early bedtime and at least a few hours of sleep.

 

grace and peace



cornbread and cat toys

long day at work today.  didn't sit down all day!  it's still hard to get used to.  i'm so thankful for this job.  it's just perfect for me right now.  it's the only job i've ever had that didn't feel like a waste of a good day!  :)  if only the money allowed me to have some breathing room...

tonight i let my aunt feed me dinner (pinto beans and cornbread) and let my dad give me $20 gas money, a jar of peanut butter and a box of crackers to tide me over until payday on friday. 

i'm still struggling daily with my anxiety but it does seem to abate some while i'm at work because i'm busy all day.  today, though, i was worried about my pug because he ate a cat toy over the weekend and it was causing some problems.  i believe we're out of the woods on that score - he's back to himself tonight. 

i think i will turn off all the gadgets and take my book to bed.  i feel a little overwhelmed and exhausted and do not need to spend any time catching up on "news" like i do some nights about this time.  i'll just take the easy way out and watch "the daily show" in the morning.  

grace and peace 

  

unsettled

today is one of those days...

i don't want to read anything, watch anything, listen to anything, go anywhere or otherwise interact.  i thought for a while about going to my brother's to watch the olympics but thought better of it due to my general moodiness and the amount of gas needed for the 70 mile round trip. 

there's no food here and no energy and/or money to rectify the problem.  i have one potato and i thought of mashed potatoes and green beans (somehow i have a can of green beans!) only to remember that i don't own a mixer anymore.  is it possible that i've not cooked mashed potatoes since the flood?  well, i'll have to settle for a baked potato, then!

it's unseasonably cool outide today (low 80s) so i've spent some blocks of time outside sitting, staring directly into the sun, or making winston walk more than he bargained for today.

i guess i'll continue to pick up a book, put it down, turn on music, listen to a song or two and turn it off, try to concentrate long enough to watch an episode of a sitcom and then lose my place or get to the end and realize i've not actually seen it.  ugh!!

i hate these days.  these are the only days when i miss not having a TV.  with a TV at least i could flip channels until midnight and not know where the time went.

grace and peace  

school year blues

this is weird but i'm starting to get really nervous about all my friends going back to work.  they all work at schools and the semester is about to start.  even though i now have a job of my own i feel very nervous about not having access to them during the week.  my anxiety rears it's head all over the place. 

i feel the same sense of dread i did when i was a student being herded back into another school year of less-than-fulfilling classes and busy work.  though my routine won't change i feel cheated by the absence of my friends.

part of my dread may be related to the impending fall (and it's weather) though i won't have to face said fall until october or so here in tennessee.  i hate winter and all that it brings so fall is just an every day reminder of what is to come...

sleep hasn't been coming easy (shocker!) so i'm exhausted tonight.  think i'll take my book and head to bed.

grace and peace

welcome to the world, evans!

i have a new nephew as of 8:24 this morning.  i won't be able to get out of town and see him (and family) until saturday.  i hate that i wasn't there.  i was at the hospital when all 4 of my other nieces and nephews were born.  a new job and other circumstances kept me in nashville today instead of a hospital in mississippi.  can't wait to hold him!

he's beautiful, don't ya think?

grace and peace and gratitude