versa v. mustang

i should write more, i know.  i just can't seem to get it together.  and anyway it seems that as soon as i get one bill paid another gets behind so i either have phones but no food or electricity and no internet, etc. 

 

i got into a fight with 4 teenage boys in a mustang on the way home tonight and realized i was acting like a kid myself--in my tiny nissan.  why did it matter to me that the driver was showing off?while he was driving irresponsibly i was never in any real danger but i reacted as if i were.  i drove way too fast to get around him, and around him again, and finally got off at my exit (with him in my rearview mirror.)

 

i had a good day at work but my anxiety is ever-present.  i just kept waiting to leave and then realized that i like it better there than i do here.  ugh!  sleep won't come but i'm determined to be in bed early tonight and pray with all my might that i get a good nights sleep.  i could sure use one.

 

be patient with me and i will get back to writing on a regular basis soon...i hope.

 

grace and peace

writer's block

i have never felt less like writing in my life than i do now.  i just can't think of anything to say.  i suppose some of it is that i have fallen back into the routine of work, errands, home, read, pets, sleep, do it all over again. 

 

my grandfather's cancer diagnosis has hit hard.  he's 86 and dying.  his death will be hard, not just his physical absence, but the repercussions for my grandmother and the rest of the family.  i'm still in the frame of mind that one more loss, one more heartbreak, will be able to push me over the edge of sanity and that i will be unable to come back. 

 

intellectually i know that it's unlikely but it sure feels real to me.  i struggle every day to survive and to take care of myself and the pets while holding down a job and trying to pay $10 here and $10 there to all my creditors.  not so much fun.

 

i'm still as tired and as frazzled as i can be. 

 

grace and peace

 

   

i'm back

it's not that i haven't felt like writing it's just that i've had absolutely nothing to say.  yes, i made it through the holidays. they are over for one more year and i'm glad.  nothing's new, nothing's changed, nothing's better nor is it worse.

 

i feel as overwhelmed as always and as anxious.  there is so much to be done and yet after a shower i feel as if i've done all that i can do.  i'm an empty well.  i may not be digging any deeper but i sure can't see a way out.

 

it's an exhausting way to exist.  it certainly doesn't feel like living.

 

i kinda feel like i should stick to the old adage, "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all."

 

grace and peace

worrywart

tonight i'm worried:  worried about the bills i can't pay, worried about the plumbing i can't afford to have fixed, worried about the lack of sleep i continue to survive on, worried about the weight i continue to gain, worried about my ability to ignore the calls of bill collectors, worried about the apathy that plagues me most of the time, worried about the number of 2012 highway fatalities displayed on the signs posted around town - 981 at last count.

 

i don't know how to do anything different than i'm doing.  i don't know how to do more.  i'm so tired.  so stressed.  and so DONE!  a person can only take so much and my limit was reached at least 2 years ago.  things keep limping along and i feel so unprepared to cope.

 

faced with yet another new year and all i can think is that i'm so glad this one's over.  no hope for the new one, no good memories to look back on, just one day after another of SURVIVAL.  no belief that the new one will bring relief - just more of the same.

 

i'm tired of living my life this way but this is all i have right now.  it's not enough but it's what i've got. 

 

i'll keep praying for,

grace and peace

how much more?

"In this world you will have trouble, but take heart!  I have overcome the world."  John 16:33  (emphasis mine)

 

in times like these i know of nothing to do but be grateful that this world and it's pains are temporary.  i grieve, as the nation does, with the victims, families and survivors of the horrible shooting at a connecticut school on friday.  26 innocents shot down in a senseless act of aggression and evil. 

 

i know little of the man who perpetrated this act.  i don't want to know about him.  i want his name to be forgotten in all this and the names and lives of him victims to be remembered and celebrated.  he is not deserving of our attention.

 

yes,  i believe we need not only an open and realistic dialogue about guns but also about mental illness.  i know the guns he used were obtained legally by his mother - one of him many victims.  would stricter gun laws have kept them out of his hands - no.  but could stricter gun laws, a deeper understanding of mental illness, an end to the glorification of violence and saturated media coverage of these events make for fewer of these tragedies in the future - i think so.

 

there will never be an acceptable answer to why this happened.  no matter what we learn about the shooter's childhood, illness or personality will ever satisfy our pain.  as a Christian i continue to try and learn that the "why, God?" questions we have will probably never be answered on this fallen, sinful earth.  our human minds, brains and hearts can't process the evil of the world just like we can't always process the sheer and utter goodness of the world:  the teacher who shields students with their own mortal bodies, the soldier who walks into a firefight, the stranger who donates a kidney. etc. 

 

in the days to come as we are bombarded with news of funerals, protests, the 2nd amendment and the mentally ill let's NOT forget the 26 lives lost. that while the flags are at half-staff and we weep with these reminders let's not forget that for the families of the lost their pain, suffering and trauma is just beginning.  the flags will go back up, the holidays will come and go and all the victims will be stuck on dec. 14 for a long time!

 

we owe it to them and to ourselves to remember.

 

grace and peace

 

  

in the dark

because i'm tired i'm just going to share what i posted on facebook today...

 

"recovering from 2 days with no electricity.  hopefully it will be on when i get home.  i spent a very cold night (46 degrees in the house.)  i made it 2 1/2 years past the flood to actually have something turned off for non-payment.  actually that's not true, i've had my internet turned off a couple of times and i think my cell phone once.  anyway, as i was piled under a sheet and 5 blankets of various thickness and warmth, a pug and one of my 2 cats, reading my book by flashlight i thought how LITTLE it bothered me.  something that would have mortified me and been a HUGE inconvenience just a few years ago seemed like only a minor bump in the VERY bumpy road that i've been on since may, 2010.  save for the best daddy in the world i would be in the dark (literally) until friday, payday.  prayers appreciated while i continue to climb this mountain."

 

"here's hoping that sunday's leftover pasta that's been sitting in an increasingly warm refrigerator for the last 48 hours doesn't make me sick."

 

welcome to post-flood life:  unpaid bills, apathy and the aftermath!

 

grace and peace and electricity!

left behind

i'm behind...behind on writing the blog, behind on my diet, behind on my bills, behind on writing the book, behind on everything.  it's not a new condition - i just thought i'd mention it. 

 

thanksgiving has come and gone and now i'm on the anti-Christmas warpath.  i give praise for the birth of Jesus but i despise what the "holiday" has become.  the consumerism disgusts me.  in my opinion, such as it is, we should aspire to want less stuff not more.  and this is not a post-flood "everything could be gone tomorrow" outlook.  i've been screaming this for 10 years or more.

 

yes, i do think that i've become even more outraged since the flood when i struggle every month to pay the bills (keep in mind most of them aren't paid) and yet continue to hear, "my family has a $50 limit for gifts."  guess what $50 could buy for me?  pet food for the month or gas for the month or my reduced school loan payment.  it's hard.  everything is hard!

 

i'm so tired of living this post-flood, hyper-vigilant, hourly-wage, no health insurance life.  i'm still waiting (2 weeks now) for my inhaler to combat my asthma but the red tape and phone calls and begging for generics, etc. is exhausting and demoralizing.  i have a college degree and i can navigate all this but i feel for those people who don't have the wherewithal to stand up for themselves and accept the first "no" they hear and do without.  this is a hard world for the poor and uninsured.

 

i'm as tired of dealing with this post-flood life as i've ever been.  i'm a different person while nothing around me is different.  things continue on and yet i stay the scared, shocked, angry, exhausted person i've been since may 2, 2010.  2 1/2 years of my life is gone and i have very few memories and even fewer memorable moments to cling to. 

 

i will keep on keeping on for lack of an alternative but i will do it while NOT observing Christmas. 

 

grace and peace