anybody willing to pee on my foot?

i'm a bit worried about my anxiety tonight.  about 2 hours ago the bottom of my right heal began to hurt.  feels like it's on fire.  has gotten more intense as time passes.  here's what the last few hours have sounded like in my head:

 

"ouch!  my foot hurts.  i mean it really hurts!  it's burning.  (poke it) ouch!  why is it burning?  it's on fire.  did i step on something?  (no) did I burn it?  (no)  what's happening?  (heart racing)  (walk to the kitchen for ice) ouch...ouch...ouch...

 

"what did I do?  did i step on broken glass?  (there is no broken glass)  ouch!  (remove sock - poke it!)  ouch!  haven't left the house today...it's a snow day...couldn't have stepped on anything...haven't even worn shoes! 

 

"maybe i stepped on a jellyfish - that stings!  (there is no jellyfish)  maybe this is what a jellyfish sting feels like!  amy, you haven't left the house today and you haven't stepped on a jellyfish in the middle of your house in landlocked, hundreds of miles from any ocean, nashville, tennessee!  but...(no buts!) it's stinging!  it's on fire!  OUCH!  what's happening?

 

"calm down, crazy!  (heart pounding)  maybe there is some insulation in my slippers!  no, there hasn't been any insulation in this house since 6 months after the flood.  well, maybe...(no) and, amy, you wore the slippers yesterday!  jellyfish!!!!!!!?????..."

 

see, that's what anxiety sounds like.  i have no idea what's going on with the foot and my pulse is running at about 150 but i've stopped searching the house for broken glass and jellyfish.

 

grace and peace

how is this not crazy?

was told that i needed to write today but i feel like it will make me worse somehow.  anxiety is through the roof.  can't really pinpoint why.  i guess that's the way anxiety works.

 

worried about all kinds of things:  death, kroger, insanity, fire, strangers being in my house when i'm not here, insanity, bankruptcy, did i mention insanity?

 

trying to constantly remind myself that spring is not far off and that with it comes fresh air, brown skin, bike rides, hikes and promise. 

 

spring come quickly!

 

grace and peace

joy

posted 2 years ago on this date.  i feel the same today...

this week has been a constant reminder of the ups and downs we all encounter in these fragile, glorious lives we lead. 

monday 2/13 would have been my friend joy's 38th birthday.  she and i were inseparable through elementary school and jr. high.  we lost touch after high school but i never stopped thinking of her and never stopped loving her.  the news of her death hit me hard.  her birthday is always a hard day for me.  here's a picture of us in the summer of 1987.  we were 13.

i think this year it's been harder to think of her in light of whitney houston's death.  houston's concert was the first we attended together in 1986 or 87.  our friendship was full of music and concerts but whitney's was the first.

spring come quickly

i feel like i need to write tonight but i have nothing to say.  i'm exhausted after another week of very little sleep.  am looking forward to this weekend with no plans.

 

here it is 8:30 on friday night and i'm trying to decide if i  should just go to bed and tackle tomorrow with a little sleep, hopefully, under my belt.  wishing that i could hibernate until the cold is over and maybe then i would be prepared to face the spring. 

 

i'm still plugging away but am woefully behind on writing, guitar practice and exercise.  "behind" meaning that i am not participating in those things AT ALL right now.  oh spring, please come soon.

 

grace and peace

wasn't yesterday monday?

my day went like this:

 

left the house early because i had to get gas in the freezing temps and the 30 mph wind.  got to the gas station and attempted to pay at the pump 3 different times on 2 different pumps before i had to go inside (not easy for me AT ALL) to pay.  left with the station owing me .24 cents because i could NOT go back inside to get my change.  then off to the dunkin' donuts next door for hot coffee.  i ordered at the drive-thru only to be told when i got to the window that my order had NOT been taken.  i said, "so WHO did i just talk to?!"  finally got my coffee and off to the bank.

 

got inside with the $20 bill for my needed coins (a roll each of quarters, dimes and nickels and 3 ones.)  i told the cashier what i needed, and proceeded to have to argue with her over whether or not i needed pennies!  "i have plenty of pennies, thank you very much!  i can count!  can i have my change, please!?"

 

all this before i got to work.  work went well, as it always does, though the store is cold!  then off to the CVS for my allergy prescription and Q-tips.  not only did my prescription assistance program expire in december, making my allergy medicine $94 compared to $20, but they were out of Q-tips and i had to buy the generic brand witch i HATE.

 

okay, i got home and had a wonderful bowl of leftover chili, which i warmed while on the phone with my terrific aunt, who made said chili, and i also have a warm house and this outlet to vent my frustration.  

 

this blog is a lifesaver!

 

grace and peace.   

and the horse you rode in on

other than 2010 (AKA "the year of the flood") i have never been so ready to bid adieu to year in my life.  that year was full of tangible loss, you know them by now...say it with me...job, house, car, all my belongings but the worst losses were the unquantifiable:  the safe, secure place called "home," the "amy" i used to be, the ease of pre-flood life, the "normal" that was so easy to take for granted.

 

but 2013 has been a year of loss so unquantifiable and so hard that it's given 2010 a run for its money.  the first week of the year came with a surprising (at least for me) cancer diagnosis for my maternal grandfather.  by the second week of april, 6 days after my 39th birthday, he was gone. 

 

my great-aunt, only 9 years my mothers senior, died in may, followed in august by my maternal grandmother (rather unexpectedly.)  my paternal grandmother died just last month at age 96.  in 7 months time i lost 3 grandparents and a great-aunt to whom i was very close.

 

my grandparents (all 4 of them) were instrumental in my life.  almost all of my good memories of childhood took place in their homes.  i didn't have the sanest of childhood homes and my grandparents were saviors.  we relied on them for money, time, a safe place and some normalcy. 

 

i feel rather like an orphan with 2 living parents.

 

the last month of the year came with surgery for 2 of my 3 pets:  winston the pug and moxie the cat.  only kentucky the cat was spared.  they, all 3, are fine and healthy now though we still have to have stiches removed for winston and moxie.  also, i'm recovering from a nasty bout of the flu.  all in all i'd rather the year be in the rearview!

 

grace and peace and hope for a better 2014

no words of my own

i have nothing to say today at all but i just wanted to share a beautiful poem from mary oliver:

 

march

 

there isn't anything in this world but mad love.  not in this world.  no tame love, calm love, mild love, no so-so love.  and, of course, no reasonable love.  also there are a hundred paths through the world that are easier than loving.  but, who wants easier?  we dream of love, we moon about, thinking of romeo and juliet, or tristan, or the lost queen rushing away over the irish sea, all doom and splendor.  today, on the beach, an old man was sitting in the sun.  i called out to him, and he turned.  his face was like an empty pot.  i remember his tall, pale wife; she died long ago.  i remember his daughter-in-law.  when she died, hard, and too young, he wept in the streets.  he picked up pieces of wood, and stones, and anything else that was there, and threw them at the sea.  oh, how he loved his wife.  oh, how he loved young Barbara.  i stood in front of him, not expecting any answer and yet not wanting to pass without some greeting.  but his face had gone back to whatever he was dreaming.  something touched me, lightly, like a knife-blade.  i felt i was bleeding, though just a little, a hint.  inside i flared hot, then cold.  i thought of you.  whom i love, madly.