another year over

all i can think about today is that somehow, through no effort of my own, i have lived a whole calendar year on this planet without my daddy. when he died i didn't think i would live through the end of that day.  i was so surprised when i woke up the next morning.  i still have a hard time understanding how my heart continues to beat while his doesn't.  

i have hated most of this year but i could at least say, "last year daddy was here."  tomorrow i won't be able to say that anymore and it HURTS!

i got nothing else.

housekeeping

i don't know what to write about today but i feel compelled to write anyway.  i've not felt well this week so my anxiety has been high.  got a couple of days off now and am pleased with how the store is doing but it's hard to feel removed from the goings on there.  i try not to constantly check my phone for info on sales, etc. but mostly i lose that battle.  got my weekly paperwork done already this morning so there's that.

the house is a disaster area so i have to do a few things here before the health department shows up and shuts me down.  i mananged to do the thing i dreaded most first thing this morning:  the kitchen.  what i want to do is sit here under the pug and cat and read a book - that's not likely to happen but a girl can dream.

the dining room table is about to collapse under the weight of all the books stacked on it.  trying to find places for them but in order to do that I have to decide which books can leave the house and make their way to the store and that, my friends, is a sacrifice and a constant struggle.  

i don't watch a lot of tv but i do like a few shows and now that i get home after 8:00 most nights i miss the couple of things i like so i usually catch up on my off days.  vowed not to turn the tv on today until the house is in better shape.  listened to one podcast this a.m. and have to get up and put all the clothes away because they are stacked up on top of the record player that i need to access for today's entertainment.  

off i go.

grace and peace

7 years and counting

i didn't write this year on the 7th anniversary of the flood but i had the same kind of day as every other may 2nd i've had since that fateful one in 2010.  i would be remiss in not saying a few things.  i clearly remember being at work and hearing construction going on in the studio next door and feeling my nerves jump inside with each swing on the hammer.  i cried a lot that day and talked about the anniversary with a couple of people.  they comforted me and cried and said all the right things and i felt like i always feel, "this will never be over for me!"  this is not my past.  this is right now.  this is PTSD.

i recently read a few studies that talked about the renaming of PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) to PTSI (post traumatic stress INJURY).  this renaming does not change the classification of either acronym from a mental disorder or illness but it acknowledges that it is not only that but also an actual brain injury.  by whatever name, the stress response to trauma changes the very shape of the brain and changes how those of us who are affected by it respond and cope.  

one part of my brain, the left side, the logical, chronological, fact-based side knows that this is 2017 and that i survived the flood.  while the right side of my brain, the jacked up side, the feelings side that says, "fight or flight or freeze!" is bigger and stronger and much more powerful and in the grip of panic and stress and anxiety.  the right side almost always wins.  it says, "it's may 2, 2010 and you are about to die...now run..."

i am far and away better than i was 6 years ago when i couldn't leave my house and 5 years ago when i was sure i would never be able to work again, etc.  i have infinite hope that by year 9 and year 10, etc. that improvement will have been made.  trauma happens to everyone in this life but we don't all process it the same.  grief is different for everyone and joy is too.  i want to believe that i am not defined by my mental illness but i know that it is part of me just like my DNA and my name.  i can't escape it but i continue the struggle to make peace with it.  

grace and peace

i'm still here

well, i'm still here.  

it's been months since i've written.  the main reason for that is that i've been busy.  also, i took some months off from communication of any type unless it was absolutely necessary.  i've moved, i've moved the store, i'm preparing to move the store AGAIN!  

i've been feeling extra-anxious lately.  the new house (i'm renting a small house) has some moisture issues.  and now there's a hurricane and the resulting flooding in houston and all the thoughts, feelings and memories come rushing back (they are never gone) but seeing the pictures that i try very hard to avoid make it so much harder!

i'm very happy to report to that i'm moving the bookstore to a prime location (where the bookstore i used to manage was) and it should finally allow me to support myself living my dream.  there's some anxiety that goes along with that but i'm feeling positive about it overall.

can't explain how much i wish daddy were here to see all of this!  i miss him to my core.  the grief is terrible!

grace and peace

why i march

if i had been asked to give a speech yesterday at the women’s march this is what i would have said:

we are here, we are angry and we are not going away.  we are here to say that we are NOT a one issue voting demographic.  this is not a march about abortion.  that is not the defining issue of these thousands upon thousands of women, and many, many men.  we are here to say that unobstructed access to healthcare for all matters to women.  climate change matters to women.  education matters to women.  LGBTQ rights matter to women.  science matters to women.  the constitution matters to women.  criminal justice reform matters to women.  unions matter to women.   

we are not a one issue voting demographic.  the black lives matter movement matters to women.  sensible gun control legislation matters to women.  equal pay for equal work matters to women.  fair housing matters to women.  homelessness matters to women.  the plight of indigenous peoples matters to women.  standing rock matters to women.  poverty matters to women.  affordable child care matters to women.  public transportation matters to women.  the tampon tax matters to women.  child brides matter to women.  human trafficking matters to women.  the privatization of prisons matters to women. 

we are not a one issue voting demographic.  paid maternity and paternity leave matters to women.  sexual assault matters to women.  planned parenthood matters to women. immigration matters to women.  the national endowment for the arts matters to women.  a fair tax structure matters to women.  the supreme court matters to women.  respect matters to women.  dignity matters to women.  voting rights matter to women.  the wage gap matters to women.  clean water matters to women.  drug prices matter to women.  international affairs matters to women.  animal rights matter to women.  freedom of the press matters to women.  freedom of religion matters to women.  freedom of speech matters to women.                                                                                                  

EVERYTHING THAT MATTERS TO MEN MATTERS TO WOMEN!  stop treating us as if all liberal and progressive women care about is abortion.  it’s simply not true, it’s unfair and it’s dangerous.  you underestimate us.  some of us are pro-choice and some of us are pro-life.  we are women and we are 51% of this country.

do not let this administration define us.  do not let this country define us.  do not let conservatives define us.  do not let bigotry and misogyny define us.  let our reaction to bigotry and misogyny define us.  let our actions define us.  let what we are willing to do stand up for the rights of all peoples everywhere define us.

grace and peace and march