7 years and counting

i didn't write this year on the 7th anniversary of the flood but i had the same kind of day as every other may 2nd i've had since that fateful one in 2010.  i would be remiss in not saying a few things.  i clearly remember being at work and hearing construction going on in the studio next door and feeling my nerves jump inside with each swing on the hammer.  i cried a lot that day and talked about the anniversary with a couple of people.  they comforted me and cried and said all the right things and i felt like i always feel, "this will never be over for me!"  this is not my past.  this is right now.  this is PTSD.

i recently read a few studies that talked about the renaming of PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) to PTSI (post traumatic stress INJURY).  this renaming does not change the classification of either acronym from a mental disorder or illness but it acknowledges that it is not only that but also an actual brain injury.  by whatever name, the stress response to trauma changes the very shape of the brain and changes how those of us who are affected by it respond and cope.  

one part of my brain, the left side, the logical, chronological, fact-based side knows that this is 2017 and that i survived the flood.  while the right side of my brain, the jacked up side, the feelings side that says, "fight or flight or freeze!" is bigger and stronger and much more powerful and in the grip of panic and stress and anxiety.  the right side almost always wins.  it says, "it's may 2, 2010 and you are about to die...now run..."

i am far and away better than i was 6 years ago when i couldn't leave my house and 5 years ago when i was sure i would never be able to work again, etc.  i have infinite hope that by year 9 and year 10, etc. that improvement will have been made.  trauma happens to everyone in this life but we don't all process it the same.  grief is different for everyone and joy is too.  i want to believe that i am not defined by my mental illness but i know that it is part of me just like my DNA and my name.  i can't escape it but i continue the struggle to make peace with it.  

grace and peace