for obvious reasons i'm anxious. my grandfather died yesterday morning. i have to leave the house in about an hour to head to the visitation at the funeral home. yes, it will be mainly family but some will be people that i haven't seen in years and years. certainly not since the flood. since my anxiety can now be registered on the richter scale i find it frightening as hell to have to go stand in a room full of people and grieve. i just want to be left alone to do it on my own.
i've never been one of those people who are freaked out by dead bodies or won't go to the casket or anything like that but i find the whole thing...being laid out in front of people...covered in tammy faye baker makeup...dead...quite ridiculous and unnecessary. i know some people need all that to accept that their loved ones are really gone but i know he's gone. he's no more gone to me by standing over his body.
i've always wanted to be cremated and i refuse to have any kind of funeral. if people want to get together and remember me..fine..but don't you dare let them do it in a funeral home!!!!! i always find it to be a hinderance to the grieving process and i can't wait for tomorrow to be over.
much needed grace and peace
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