be kind: please rewind

for those of us who grew up in the 80s you know what this title means.  for the youngsters: this phrase was found on VHS tapes (for our top-loading $600 VCRs) as a reminder to rewind the movie we had driven to the video store to rent, paid for, driven home and watched - assuming it was a good copy - and then were fined for if we returned it the next day without having rewound it.

 

tonight as i was watching "skyfall," the latest james bond film, i was thinking about this phrase.  i had to hurry and watch so i could get it back to the mcdonald's redbox before 9:00 and was anxious about it.  i didn't want to go out.  i was wishing i hadn't gone out yesterday to get it.  i was thinking that pre-flood i would never have missed a james bond movie in the theater.  now i can't go to movies and i hardly ever think to rent them. 

 

i was thinking that i wanted to REWIND to yesterday and stay home therefore not having the pressure of today.  the "have to go out" stress i now live with.  (truth the told, that's always been stress for me it's just much worse now.)  then i thought if i could REWIND to the time in which the movie was in theaters then i could have retroactively avoided any stress today.  however, if i could REWIND that far, how about just REWINDING to my pre-flood life.  

 

the trouble with that, and i know i repeat myself, is that i have no memory of that time or me in that time.  i feel so different than that person - the pre-flood amy.

 

i know we don't get do-overs and i know that we have to live and play with the cards we are dealt.  i'm just not sure how to do that and ever find this elusive "new normal" i keep hearing about.

 

grace and peace (and don't forget to REWIND!)  

halftime

today is july 1.  half the year is gone.  i wish i could say that i am 6 months closer to well or that this first half of the year has been better than the last but none of that is true.  yes, i love my job but i am still anxious all the time.  i'm still afraid all the time.  i still feel like someone else all the time.  i don't even know what being amy would feel like anymore.

 

it's exhausting to always have to try so hard just to function.  it's amazing to me the things i neglect that i NEVER would have pre-flood.  i just don't always care about sheets on the bed or clean clothes or food to eat.

 

all i want to do is read books and play the guitar (learn to play the guitar, that is.)

 

grace and peace  

highs and lows

yesterday i had a horrible day.  i learned that a girl i went to school with committed suicide.  i didn't really know her but it's a blow.  it's desperately sad and inexplicable.  my best friend from elementary school killed herself more than a decade ago and it was/is still devastating.  the news from yesterday sent me into a deep dark sadness. 

 

with the sadness came intense anxiety.  i had one of those days (you women understand) where i was starving.  by about 5:00 i had had a bite or two of everything in the house and was left with the knowledge that i had to cook dinner if i were gonna eat.  i had no interest in such and wanted to order a pizza.

 

see, it's not that easy.  one of the fears i have is a knock at the door.  even leaving the door open so i can see the pizza delivery person through the storm door isn't possible because i'm anxious about strangers approaching the house.  no way i could order a pizza!  then i began to feel more anxious and desperately uneasy.  and hungry. 

 

will this ever change?  will i ever be back to who i was before?  can i accept this "new normal" that i'm supposed to be embracing?  will i ever be able to simply order a pizza?  i don't know.

 

then as the day finally wound down i was thrilled, relieved and so happy to look up and see the sweet little face of my kitty moxie at the french door.  she had been gone for more than 3 weeks and i was sure she was gone for good.  she's skinny and she has a limp.  she's eaten and eaten and eaten and slept.  she won't let me out of my sight.  i guess she's been locked in somewhere - an outbuilding probably.  bless her little heart.  i'm in for the day to love on and take care of her. 

 

she may have to go to the vet in the morning but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.  she seems to be in no pain but i'm concerned about the limp.  i'm so glad she's home.  she redeemed my really hard sad day!

 

grace and peace

my kingdom for a vacation

yesterday:  drug store before work and grocery store after work.

 

today:  therapy before work and walk after work.

 

i'm tired and upset that even though i'm busy i'm still very anxious.  i'm feeling a lot of stress these days about death.  not mine.  everyone else's.  since anxiety has become a large part of my life i've spent a lot of time thinking/expecting/waiting for everyone around me to die.  all at once.  on the same day.  

 

since i have had a couple of hard losses lately i am again obsessed with this thought.  it's exhausting.

 

having one of those nights where i just want to hide under the covers and sleep for 6 months.  that's something coming from an insomniac who can't even sleep 6 hours!   

 

grace an peace

season 4

what i should do tomorrow:  fill up my gas tank, go to church, go put in an hour of work on the store bank accounts, wash my car, give winston a bath, trim the holly bushes in the front yard, wash at least 2 loads of laundry, fold the clean clothes that are sitting in a pile on the dryer (don't judge - i'm not the only one!), cook pasta for supper (enough for leftovers for a few nights), run the dishwasher, change my sheets and try for a good night's sleep. 

 

what i will probably do:  watch "arrested development."

 

no doubt what i'll be saying on monday morning, "i've made a huge mistake."

 

grace and peace (and much needed laughter)



maximum capacity

i've begun to wonder if there will come a point when my ability to feel loss will cease to exist.  can i shut down any more than i already have?  i've lived a life of numbness - will it always be this way?

 

in 3 years i've lost a job, a house, a car, all my belongings, a dog, 2 cats, an aunt, a grandfather, a great-aunt, my safety, my sanity, my will, my independence, my security, my figure, my new man, most of my friends, my energy, my interests, myself.

 

the losses keep coming and i keep going.  i don't want to, i don't want to feel the loss and the pain, but there is no alternative.  i have to keep going.  i do have a job i love but it's not enough money to live.  i have 2 beloved pets left and i continue to spoil them as much as i can.

 

i'm so tired of the way things are but it's the way things are.

 

grace and peace

there'll be days like this

how's my day been, you ask?

 

i had a therapy appointment before work.  left the house an hour early, got there on time (always a WIN) and made it to work on time.  a decent day in a good week.  i love selling books.

 

i had my worst cash register discrepancy ever.  finally figured it out but i was work an extra 45 minutes.  there went my walk.  by the time i got home it was well after 8 i was starving.  at this point my day is 2 hours longer than normal.  inside and NO POWER!  did i pay the bill?  i thought so but i had NO POWER.  i called.  yes, i paid PART of the bill but not all the bill.  hottest day of the year so far, pug inside, NO POWER.  winston the pug was hot and i was mad.  i paid the $189 over the phone but now i can't pay my mortgage.  that's next week so i won't worry about it tonight.  (just call me scarlett!)

 

i was warned that it may take up to 4 hours for the power to be restored.  remember, i was starving and all i had that didn't have to be cooked was a banana.  that wouldn't do.  only had $5 and the closest place to get food is mcdonald's.  remember i'm a vegetarian.  luckily the power was back on in about 45 minutes and i whipped up a quick dinner of couscous and veggies.

 

now i'm broke(r). and tired.  and i have to work a full day tomorrow at my store instead of the shorter day at the store i usually work on fridays.  luckily this house is small and it doesn't take much time to cool off.  oh, there was a big puddle of water in the kitchen where the ice melted out of the ice maker.  i almost fell in that which would have been icing on the cake.  i cleaned it up while i was on the phone with NES in a kitchen lit by my key chain flashlight.  

 

maybe tomorrow will be better.

 

grace and peace