more of the same

sorry i've been MIA for a while.  there are a few reasons for this:  torturous and persistent headaches, a serious medical crisis for one of my best friends and a similar yet less serious medical crisis in my family, a couple of job interviews (neither of which i've heard from) and a general feeling of unease and melancholy. 

i struggle with a constant lack of motivation where my writing is concerned.  i cannot get my muddled thoughts out in any concise manner and so i just avoid the whole charade.  i always write (or not) like this.  it comes in strong and crashing waves and then trickles so slowly that i think i may indeed die of wanting.  it's like the quote i read years ago, i don't remember who said it, but the writer stated that "i write so slowly that i could write in my own blood and not bleed to death."  that's me!  i just keep reading and waiting for inspiration.

i'm job-hunting and praying and those activities keep me pretty busy.  i listen to a lot of music and try to convince myself that the house doesn't need any straightening...it does.  so that's what i do:  avoid any work and immerse myself in other people's words and chords and hope that i can hold out long enough to contribute my own.

grace and peace

Happy Easter

when i reflect on the last year, as one is want to do at birthday time, i’m reminded of how hard it was.  at the time of my birthday i was spending nearly every day at a local rehab center where both my grandmothers were recovering, one from a fall and one from complications due to pneumonia.  neither of them was able to be alone.  my mother’s mother, then 84, was watched over by my mother, my aunt and me.  my father’s mother, then 93, was watched over by my dad, 2 of his sisters and me.  there were times when i was the only one able to be there and i had to run back and forth from room to room.  luckily for me they were on the same floor.  my paternal grandmother was there for 4 weeks and my maternal grandmother there for 6.  in the meantime i was traveling back and forth, 180 miles round trip; to be with my dad’s other sister who was in the last stages of cancer.  she would die before either of my grandmothers’ left the center.  My 93 year old grandmother would not be able to attend her daughter’s funeral.  i was tired and frazzled beyond what i thought was possible.  after surviving 2010 and the bronchitis, the pneumonia, the firing, the flood, the loss of my house, car, my possessions and possibly my life i didn’t think i would ever recover.  i would soon lose a 17 year old dog as well.  i was one big, raw nerve.

when i think of the last 2 years i cannot remember a day that i didn’t feel exhausted, a day when i didn’t feel helpless in some way, a day when i wasn’t terrified of the next catastrophe awaiting me.  i still feel that way, but i am grateful that this birthday was spent in a more peaceful place, every little bit helps.  my life is still in limbo as i await the changes yet to come, the completion of the house, the inevitability of a new job or school, the subsequent plan to escape this anxiety-inducing heap of a house and go somewhere else—anywhere else; a place where i can relax, a place where i can leave the house and not have to see this wretched river that is now my arch-enemy, a place without torturous memories.

so i experienced my birthday as not much more than the marking of time.  one big red “X” on the 37^th year of my life.  then i woke up this morning, Easter—day 2 of my 38^th year—and was reminded that i was to celebrate the best thing to have ever happened in human history:  the resurrection of Jesus.  the thing that makes all that we suffer in this world worth it.  the thing that gives us Christians hope in the painless and tearless Heaven that awaits us.  the thing that proves to me that the pain is not the end of the story but a necessary means to an end that is greater than anything we can imagine in this fallen, sinful world.  praise be to God for being bigger, better, kinder, more merciful and more loving than our human minds can comprehend. 

Happy Easter!

grace and peace

Good Friday/Passover

the plan for today was:  family function, walk, shower, church for Good Friday service tonight at 7:00. 

the reality of today was:  family function...

i've been struck with a monstrous headache, whether from allergies, as a result of being outside all day, or from going too long between my breakfast of 2 homemade pancakes and my supper of leftover pasta i'm not sure.  probably a combination of both.

by the time i got home and walked winston i was too hungry and in too much pain to do anything but eat a bite and lie down.  now it's too cool and dark for me to start a walk and it's 5 till 7:00.  and my head still hurts! 

i think i will turn off this computer, read the crucifixion story in all 4 Gospels and spend some time in prayer in lieu of church.  then it doesn't really matter what else the night brings.  i will be ready to celebrate Easter on sunday. 

He is risen!

grace and peace

unrealistic expectations

as you all know by now, i don't have a television, so i will admit that i am one of those people that gets news almost exclusively from "the daily show with jon stewart."  i visit only 4 websites with any regularity:  blogger, facebook, netflix and hulu.

so this morning as i was watching "the daily show" from earlier in the week i was first exposed to the jessica simpson pregnancy weight gain issue on the "moment of zen" segment.  i have a few things to say here...

1.  the only person who should tell if a pregnant woman has gained too much weight should be that woman's doctor.

2.  the obsession that we as a culture have with weight (perfection) is harmful at best and vile at worst.

3.  50 years ago the average woman was a size 8.

4.  the average model was also a size 8.

5.  today the average american woman is a size 14 and 5'4".

6.  the average model is a size 0 and 5'11"-6'

7.  fashion designers design clothes for these size 0s (that's why we have a hard time shopping guys!).

8.  the average movie star is a 2 or 4.

9.  besides the jessica simpson story i remember 2 recent stories about women and their weight that bothered me as much:  adele called fat by a fashion designer and michelle obama called fat by, grade-A #1 windbag, rush limbaugh.

10. the fact that so many women, but more importantly young girls and teenagers, compare themselves to 6' tall size 0 models who are surgically-enhanced, digitally-enhanced and airbrushed beyond recognition is appalling. 

11. the fact that 2 of these 3 beautiful women were called out by men (jessica simpson's weight being called out by a female ob/gyn) is disgusting.  men do not face the same exposure, expectations or difficulty losing weight that women face.

12. besides isn't it men that are always screaming that "size doesn't matter!"

size 12 and 14

size 0

who looks healthier to you?

2 days, 2 walks, 2 snakes

"if man could be crossed with a cat it would improve the man but it would deteriorate the cat."  mark twain

i've been missing my sweet maeve these last few days.  it's been in the 80s here in nashville and as a consequence winston, the overweight and under-motivated pug, has made it clear that he's not interested in long walks with me.  he wants many short walks--the kind that take us only one or two blocks from the house.  the kind that maeve used to take with us.  she walked with us rain or shine.  so many drivers, walkers, bike-riders would stop and ask about her, was she mine?, did she always walk with us?, did she think she was a dog?, did she think she was a person?  i miss her.

both yesterday and today i've seen snakes on my walks.  yesterday a 2-foot long, live one in the middle of the road when i had winston with me.  today a dead one 12-14 inches long on the side of the road (and i was nearly 2 miles from home--no quick getaway!)  yet another reason not to live near a river!

my anxiety has been okay today because i was outside in the sun almost all day.  it helps.  the only real panic was when i heard someone at the door.  i could tell that someone tried to turn the handle on the locked storm door.  i held my breath and felt the initial light-headedness and pounding heart that comes with a panic attack.  no knock!!  i kept myself in check but it was a good half an hour before i worked up the nerve to open the front door to find a flier from a local church stuck in the door.  really dodged a bullet there. 

think i'm going to finish the book i'm reading and head to bed early (hopefully thanks to the benadryl i need to control my sneezing fits).  i'm meeting my brother at early church service tomorrow and i usually mosey on into the late service so we'll see how i manage 9:00 a.m. 

grace and peace

"serenity NOW!"

"but they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength;

they shall mount up with wings as eagles;

they shall run and not be weary;

they shall walk and not faint."  Isaiah 40:31

"...waiting is the hardest part."  tom petty

i'm struggling with two things in particular these last few days:  anger and impatience.  i'm angry at the world and impatient that it will not bend to my will. 

i'm nearly at the end of my rope and i see no safe place to land.  my money situation is growing dire and i seem no closer to a job or to school.  i may get my wish and be relieved of the burden of this house via foreclosure.  i cannot imagine that i'm here and yet i have only one more mortgage payment in the bank and that's it. 

i'm trying really hard to stay positive and tell myself that i am ready to go where God wants me to go and that if that means a job or school or a cardboard box that i will faithfully go. there is peace in that. 

some part of me, though, is afraid that the lack of concern i feel about the impending shift is just another form of denial.  i can no longer tell if my anxiety is protecting my brain from things it can't handle or if it's numbing me to the extent that i really don't care anymore what becomes of this situation.

i don't know how to change anything and i don't know how i will survive losing anything else.  i'm am truly lost.  i pray for patience, for relief, for help, for a loud and resounding command, for deliverance, for peace, for hope and for a pillar of cloud and a pillar of fire.  

grace and peace    



"how high's the water, mama?"

"five feet high and risin'"  johnny cash

wednesday - i started the day with a walk before it got too hot.  by 9:00 am i was 3/4 of a mile in when i had a quick and painful thought:  "all of this was under water!  the water would be over my head right now if it were may 2, 2010!"  it ALWAYS feels like may 2, 2010 to me.  i panicked.  my heart pounded and i fought the urge to run home.  it didn't really matter...the whole neighborhood was under water, my house was under water...nowhere is safe.

i pictured the water rushing over my head in waves.  much to the dismay of those who assure me that because i can swim i had nothing to fear, i say, "that's bullshit!"  the current was so strong that even emergency workers couldn't enter the neighborhood except by boat for 5 days.  i had my first panic attack as i approached the park.  i quickly turned my back to the unseen river and had to stand, hands on knees, gulping air like a marathoner, less than a mile from home.  i got my breathing under control after a few minutes and tried by repeating, "i'm safe, i'm safe, i'm safe...there is NO WATER!" to calm myself down enough to finish.  i managed 2 miles instead of my normal 3 or 3.5.

i got home and found that i was afraid to come inside.  for the last 18 months or so i've been terrified to leave the house (sometimes i am UNABLE to do it) and then i found myself afraid of the house.  i could think of nothing to do but prune the 3 holly bushes out front.  (i did rush in for supplies and RUSH right back out!)  i spent a good while pruning, with my industrial worker's gloves covered in insulation, drywall dust and caulk, then bagging the limbs into industrial triple-thick outside trash bags left over from post-flood clean-up.  there is NOTHING i can do to get away!

i had several more panic attacks throughout the day and spent 2+ hours roaming the city while my yard guy mowed the yard.  i came home before he finished and had to make two extra trips around the area before i finally passed my street and saw that his truck was gone.  yes, that made me feel crazy but i also felt that i absolutely couldn't come home with him here.  no sleep.

thursday - a better day but i've had some lost time and have noticed my shortened attention span and suffered from a tension headache after all the stress and anxiety of yesterday.  i did manage a nap midday which is why i am now posting this, wide awake, at 1:00 am.

i can't understand why something won't happen, like a switch being flipped in my brain.  i know that there is no threat, i know that the flood is "over," i know that i am safe (as safe as anyone is) but i just can't stop the thoughts and the memories from paralyzing me.  i know that's what PTSD is and that all this is "normal" but it sure hurts and it's so exhausting.  i just want something to be easy.  it should be easy to take a walk in my own neighborhood but it's not.  there are reminders of the flood everywhere!

dear God i pray for...

grace and peace